To Zsofia and Antigen (and any other women having their first babies): totally do not feel guilty about any emotions you have about your babies, now or after they’re born. The whole thing really is bigger than you, all you can do is ride the waves. I bet that at least one of you* isn’t* going to have that sparkling, breathtaking, life-altering feeling the first time you see your son. But in time you’ll learn to love 'em so, so much. You will.
The first time I saw my daughter, her face was really squished from having been engaged and facing the wrong direction for several weeks. My first feeling was disappointment. My first thought was “she’s funny looking, but I will love her anyway.” And I did, right from the start… it’s just that at the start that love takes the form of “I went through hell to get you here, I’m not letting anything hurt you now”. Only later did it turn into “aww you’re so cute and squishy and come give mommy kisses mwah mwah mwah!”
This. You love this little human who becomes a big human. It’s YOUR human. A child that you have bonded with and done your best by. You love who they are and when you don’t like who they are in the moment you work hard to figure out why, and what to do about it.
You’ll be fine! Totally normal! With my daughter, I wanted a girl and all the girly clothes! By the time she was one, I was buying half her clothes in the boys department, I was SO sick of the butterflies and flowers and ruffles, not to mention leopard print! Bought her the cutest “boy” overalls with crocodiles on them, which she later passed down to her little brother. She also LOVED trains and was most upset that there were no Thomas the Tank Engine underwear for girls. So she wore the boy ones - with a little “pocket” in front.
Your kids are never what you pictured. My girl - she was going to have my big eyes, my flexibility, be a dancer or a gymnast like me… HA HA. She looks JUST like my husband and MIL. She’s a tomboy, soccer player, kicks ass at hockey on the boys’ team, and can’t touch her toes.
Now that I have one of each, I appreciate how they are each their own unique person. They fit some of the stereotypes - Girl - Books, Music, Singing! Boy - Mud, Bugs, Eating boogers! In other ways they don’t. My boy was the one who potty-trained before he was 2 - easy, peasy. With my daughter it was m&ms, bribery, drama!
Your reaction is normal and you will love that baby! Enjoy!
I discovered I was pregnant right after we adopted. And I was convinced I had boy twins. We had adopted a boy, and we were planning on adopting a girl later.
It did turn out to be a girl - and just one - but yeah - you get something in your head and it doesn’t match. She also came out bald, blonde (what hair she had) with blue eyes - she is still blonde with blue eyes (my husband and I both have dark hair and eyes).
You’ll adapt - to be astounded by how many more times your child doesn’t live up to your expectations (or your own ability to parent doesn’t).
The sprog, who is now eleven, is the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever met. (He comes by it honestly. :D) He’s picky, opinionated, mouthy, and stubborn, and that’s on a good day. But he’s also kind, funny, loving, and his good qualities more than make up for the bad ones. And he reads. A lot. He’s plowed through all of Harry Potter, just about all of the mythology books Rick Riordan ever wrote, and buys books with his own money. And, of course, he loves his mother and would walk on water for me. My point being that it doesn’t matter what I wanted, I’m thrilled with the one I got.
He can post here legally in another year and a half. The first true second-generation Doper.
I so rarely post these days, can’t resist, he’s Bomb Bay Doors if I remember correctly.
For the op, I wanted boys and got them so I can’t fairly speak to the gender disappointment. I can assure you that there is a huge difference between “a baby boy” and your boy. He will not meet your expectations in so many ways you haven’t even thought of yet. And he will exceed them in so, so many more.
Agree with the others who say it’s okay to grieve and yes, you’re insane right now, but insane is normal at this point in pregnancy so I hope you will forgive yourself.
And yes, they do pee in their mouth once until you learn and remember to tent the wipe, they fart at will it seems, and oh my word but do their rooms (even when clean) stink the foulest for YEARS from puberty through teens.
But I would not trade any of that for the sort of problems and vitriolic angry, sneaky, manipulative, attitude, disrespect and meanness my brother got with all of his five girls. I’ll take that stinky room, the fart and burp jokes and my sweet boys (and now the two grand boys) thank you very much.
Parenthood is so crazy. Even though I was expecting boys both pregnancies, I loved my daughters instantly, to the point where I would have quite literally killed someone who tried to harm them.
So relax. It’ll all come together when you meet your baby for the first time. They have this sneaky way of stealing your heart (and then later stealing all your money).
Zsofia, how do you feel about the name Milo? That was our runner-up boy’s name. I also like Henry a lot, but I think it might be trendy right now.
You also never realize how many people think they get a vote until you start talking about names. So many people hated the name we thought of for my daughter, but once she was here, everyone agreed that it suited her.
I haven’t read all the replies, but the OP describes my state nearly exactly about a week ago, when we had our 18-week ultrasound. I really thought this one was a girl because with my son, I craved meat throughout the pregnancy, and this time I have a complete sweet tooth. Yeah, that whole “girls are sugar and spice” thing is all a total myth, and it looks like we’re having a boy. I was a little sad because I’m not planning on having more children at the moment, and now it looks like I’m not getting the daughter I wanted. I wanted to buy dresses and take her to ballets and musicals. I have a name all picked out that I’ll never get to use (that one hurts a lot - Selena is just such a beautiful name). And there’s something primal about wanting a mini-me running around, right? But then I thought about my son, and how much he looked like me when he was born (even had a little of my dad in him) and he still does. I also realized that ALL infant clothes are cute, not just the dresses. And now that he’s a toddler, we go to a music class that he LOVES . . . so maybe I’ll get him to a musical yet! Oh, and also, he’s much better behaved than some of the other girls in the class, neater and less crazy.
Gender matters so much before baby’s born because you don’t know what baby will be like and you’re trying to picture him. Once he’s born, your only thought is, wow, there he is, this is him.
On a side note, hormonal emotional surges or not, your thoughts are still yours. Don’t let anyone tell you, oh, you’re just pregnant and emotional. Of course you’re emotional, but that doesn’t make the thoughts you’re thinking any less valid.
(And while we’re on the topic . . . do NOT watch West Side Story while pregnant. Not unless you want to cry for an hour. I don’t know what I was thinking!)
I have two girls. They chose Pokemon over Barbie, soccer over ballet, and Japanese anime over Anne of Green Gables. When my oldest daughter decided to study abroad, she picked South Korea instead of Europe. IOW, you can dream all you want, but you never know what you’re going to get. They’re their own persons, from the day they are conceived. It’s actually a wonderful thing if you can get over your own preconceptions.
What a treat to see you posting here again !! Welcome back
Yep, that name sounds spot-on. I wonder if he’s going to post when he’s of age, or if he thinks that’s what his parents do and wouldn’t be caught for anything posting to the Dope.
I was convinced I was going to have a daughter and was glad when I was right, but you know, I had a 50/50 chance so it wasn’t like I actually had foreknowledge. Even though I had some practical reasons - no father or even reliable uncle around - most of it was just that I’d pictured me with my daughter. I was just so sure. I’d already bonded with my daughter-to-be and it felt like I’d have had to start over again with a boy.
There’s just so little you can know about your unborn child, and so much you want to know, that you can’t help fantasising, and it’s hard not to assign a gender in those fantasies.
Rufus is the name we have picked out for our next kid if it’s a boy (and if we have one). In England, it wouldn’t stand out at all for babies born now; “names that you would have used for your cat” are incredibly popular.
Rufus is a Roman name; one of the main dignitaries we know of from pompeii was a Rufus.
I remember being advised against Gabriel for my first child when I was pregnant. My friends sniggered and said the kid would be picked on. My daughter (not Gabriel) now has a friend called Gabriel and I’ve taught a couple. It doesn’t have a nice shortening, though, which is also a problem with Rufus.
