Well, if it had been the dog having sex and your uncle found stuck to a fence…
Just sayin’.
:rolleyes: Like that’s never happened before.
For some reason I thought it was your uncle who was liquefied.
Must . . . Read . . . Carefully . . .
My first cousin was caught going through our purses at a family Christmas party if that gives you any indication. And none of the lot can catch a break. Every single time they’ve been thrown in jail, it’s because one of their good for nothing friends “set them up.” If you don’t believe me, ask Aunt D. She’ll tell you. With a completely straight face.
Well, in a way he was. But he did it with booze as opposed to the hot, humid Chicago summer liquification the dog got.
I’ve been to family reunions over the years for both my dad’s side of the family and my mom’s side and remember thinking at both “Thank GOD my parents and grandparents made some genetic right turns”.
My father’s family (on his paternal side) is about half Holyroller and half Jehovah’s Witness and there’s a bit of a holy war between them, and at the reunion one delegate from each said a blessing and the ice in my drink literally melted before the prayers were over. Harmonicas were passed out for a sing-along and play-along at the reunion. Most of the men were in overalls which surprised me because they had come from church.
One of my father’s uncles left home as a young man, joined the army, and eventually settled in a town in south Alabama where he married well, built a successful store and rental property business, became well to do for the time and place, and his kids were looked down on as snobs by the rest of the family because, to quote my mother, “they had the nerve to live like folks”, but he always sent money home to his mother and sisters and never lost touch. Half a century later my brother moved to the same town (coincidentally- it happened to be where he was offered the best paying job) and was so shocked to learn that the family surname there was extremely respected (and of course he started contacting cousins and dropping the name all the time) where in the part of the state where he grew up it meant two things: po’white cotton farmers and my father (who was an oddity unto himself).
My mother’s family is divided into flatlanders and flat-out-hillbillies. She had 70 first cousins on her father’s side, her father had more than 100 first cousins on his mother’s side alone [his grandfather had 18 children who lived to adulthood] and at least half-that on his father’s side, everybody’s related to everybody 16 different ways and you have to literally do genealogical charts before you can date to make sure that your branch of the surname and their branch of the surname aren’t more than 3rd cousins and if so how many ways are they’re distant cousins (cause if she’s your 4th cousin 5 different ways you still don’t want to risk it).
My grandfather had first cousins who were also his aunts/uncles [taking out the ‘half’] because his step-grandmother was also his great-aunt and his paternal grandmother was also his maternal step-great-grandmother AND his maternal step-great-great-grandmother (I kid you not- she married three times and had kids with all the husbands and some of her bio-kids married some of her step-kids and step-grandkids and etc and all were fertile so it’s a huge mess but not really as inbred as it sounds (last documented first cousin marriage was almost 200 years ago and at that time it was a very common practice in the U.S. and in Europe).
Anyway, because everyone of my mother’s ancestors had the ability to reproduce just by counting to ten and rubbing a piece of velvet and they’re all so interrelated, there are miles and miles and miles of hill country where every mailbox is one of three surnames. Also, since her ancestors settled the foothills of the Appalachians in central Alabama and some moved slightly north and some moved slightly south and some stayed put, the hillbilly v. flatlander contingent became distinctive and the reunions are usually held on the ancestral homesites that now contains a dozen houses and several trailers belonging to various descendants. At this reunion there were banjos and squaredancing [to recorded calling], and this was as recently as 2001 or so. One of the things that scared me the most was that on one of the dirt roads leading to the reunion site (which had HUNDREDS of people present, incidentally, and amazingly my mother recognized everyone over about 50 and they all knew her, and they’re almost ALL blonde and blue eyed) we passed a trailer that had, probably due to a storm or tornado, fallen on its back and obviously some while ago- it was rusty and clearly hadn’t been upright (or at least not lived in) for years. The scary thing- some of the many kids present were climbing out its door and windows (which were now skylights) and one of the old women present remarked “They jist luv that thang, they use it fer a playhouse, and the sink and commodes being all upside down jist tickle 'em pink”.
Sorry- short story long and then summarized, yeah- I’ve got lots of Clampetts at the second cousin and greater level. If my paternal grandfather hadn’t married my grandmother (whose family was not rich or particularly aristocratic but was mostly educated professionals- doctors, lawyers, and teachers) he probably never would have had a son who wanted to go to college, and since it was my father who insisted my mother go to college she probably wouldn’t have gone, so were it not for that one very unhappy marriage of my grandparents I’d probably be shootin’ at some food myself.
Yes, literalists, I know that technically i wouldn’t exist at all were it not for that union, but whoever my grandfather reproduced with or my mother reproduced with would probably have resulted in far more Elly Mae & Jethro chirren than my immediate family.
Well at least you guys can say they’re cousins.
My older brother was featured on our local equivalent of America’s Most Wanted. Just. Three. Weeks. Ago. If anyone remembers my wedding thread, yeah that brother.
The same two women have been fighting over one of my younger brothers since High School, he’s 37; he has girls by both. I forget which one he’s with now and since it can change at any moment …
The one younger than him is pretty normal other than his tendency to crash every single vehicle he’s owned. I think he’s indestructible. I’ve actually seen him do high speed cart wheels in two mustangs, crash a Ninja into the rear of a tractor trailer and this past thanksgiving he went over the handlebars of his Harley.
My youngest brother is married with two kids. I only bring him up because he managed to get a job where he can carry firearms a couple of months after shooting the previously mentioned brother. He also once threw a meat cleaver at the same brother while I was standing a foot away. I thought he deserved an honorable mention.
If I started telling some of the stories we laugh about all the time, you people would think me a liar.
We read Sampiro postings all the time and I think the worst he’s ever been subjected to is disbelief :dubious: . So unless you can top him, you’re in no danger of being thought a liar.
Family reunions with banjoes, harmonicas, and square dancing; I’m jealous.
Jodi, all I’m going to say about this is, no, you’re not the only one with redneck relatives.
Well, my sisters’ ex husband “dated” his half sister for a few years.
Does that count?
I personally don’t have any redneck relatives but my husband does. They are ‘white trash’ in the classic sense.
No one from that side of the family got invited to our wedding, because DH wanted it that way.
The last I heard of them, my BIL called up to tell DH, “Guess what? Remember Cousin D. (not a blood cousin, thankfully, but the recent ex-wife of a blood cousin)? Well, she’s Aunt D. now - she married Uncle R. last weekend.” When your spouse divorces you and marries your dad - yeah, that’s pretty bad.
Yup.
[Peanut voice] …damn… [/pv]
“You win” says the Tennessean. 
I can see why they drink.
My husband’s uncle was a Hell’s Angel. He got his vocal chords burned when he crashed his Harley (drunk and spun out at the time, of course). He could have had the scar tissue excised but chose to keep them that way because “I sound scary”. I met him once and he did indeed sound very scary. During a rough patch of luck my husband’s family had to live with his Uncle; they left after he got drunk one night and emptied his .45 into the kitchen floor.
He committed suicide a few years ago when his wife called the cops on him for domestic violence. Having done hard time and something of a reputation with the police, he fled the scene and the whole thing dissolved into a man hunt. He blew his head off with a 12 gauge when they started closing in on him. I guess he really didn’t want to go back to prison.
I could get into it with my BiL, but it raises my blood pressure too much to post about him. Suffice it to say he suffers severely from methamphetamine psychosis and is no longer allowed in my presence.
I guess he didn’t sound scary enough when it counted.
All you people who are posting teasers just get with the programme and entertain us already.
I’m now very thankful that my family seem so normal (and take care of their dogs properly!).
There are some rather interesting people in my husband’s family. There’s one relative who is currently in the throes of a nasty divorce and child custody battle. The divorce was precipitated by her (the relative) being caught playing Hide the Salami with her husband’s brother.
You gotta hand it to her and her brother-in-law, nothing like destroying multiple family relationships in one swell foop. So much more efficient that way.