Don’t get me wrong: I’m not Miz Sophistication myself. I like rodoes, country music, and fishing. I like a big bowl of chili-Cheese Whiz dip as much as the next guy. But my god, my cousins are the biggest bunch of redneck hillbillies ever to have staggered out of a trailer park.
The father, let’s call him Able, has five children, three by his first wife, the waitress (who, to be fair, no longer works at a truck stop), and two by his second wife, Crazy-Ass. All of the three older (grown) kids have children out of wedlock. The oldest daughter got drunk and laid and pregnant, and didn’t want Able to think she was loose, so said she had been raped but then told everyone else she hadn’t been. She has a boy. The second daughter is hooked up with a meth dealer who beats her, so they are in the repeating Cops loop of her calling the police, screaming and crying about how he beat her up, and then when they cuff and stuff him, screaming and cursing them not to take her man. She has a girl. She also has a bad relationship with Able, who keeps threatening to drive to the town she lives in and shoot the meth dealer. Able’s son had a daughter in high school who was given up for adoption, and then had a son two years ago. He claimed the boy wasn’t his until DNA proved it. He thinks the mother is just a bitch who wants child support to spite him, so he works construction for Able and Able pays him under the table so that his wages don’t get garnished. The baby-momma comes by periodically and screams at him for being a fucking deadbeat (true) until he coughs up some diaper money. He and Able work together and go out drinking together. The son was riding shot-gun in the truck when Able got a DUI last year. He also was along when Able got arrested a couple years ago for shooting an elk and tagging it with a forged tag.
Crazy-Ass’s two kids are still in school. Able and Crazy-Ass have been: married and then divorced; then lived together (but not married) and then broken up; then common-law married and then divorced; then living together and now are breaking up. She says they were common-law married again and wants the house; he says they weren’t and the house is in his name. She’s currently living in the house with the two kids and they’re in court fighting about whether they were married or not. Both kids want to live with Able, 'cause Mom’s ass is crazy, but C-A has a restraining order against Able alleging physical violence so he can’t come within 300 feet of the house.
We just found out that when their relationship was deteriorating this last time, Crazy-Ass took out a million dollar life-insurance policy on Able, to which she forged his signature. The agent told her the policy would not be in force until Able had a physical exam to confirm his health. So then she alternated between having these knock-down fights with him (including clocking him with a cast-iron frying pan), and asking him to go get a physical because she was concerned about him. He just got a call from the agent reminidng him that “his” policy could not take effect until he got his physical; that’s how he found out she had taken out the policy. Now Able thinks Crazy-Ass was trying to poison him, and the Insurance Commission is investigating Crazy-Ass for attempted insurance fraud. She says Able knew about the policy all along, told her to sign it for him, and is now just trying to get her in trouble because of the divorce (non-divorce) court case.
It’s like As The World Turns with Bud Lite and chicken fingers. I don’t understand how these completely fucked-up people could have come from the same family as my dear old dad. This is not a remote off-shoot of the family tree, either; Able and I are first cousins.
Surely I’m not the only one with redneck relatives. Right? Right???