Anybody else related to The Clampetts, or is it just me?

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not Miz Sophistication myself. I like rodoes, country music, and fishing. I like a big bowl of chili-Cheese Whiz dip as much as the next guy. But my god, my cousins are the biggest bunch of redneck hillbillies ever to have staggered out of a trailer park.

The father, let’s call him Able, has five children, three by his first wife, the waitress (who, to be fair, no longer works at a truck stop), and two by his second wife, Crazy-Ass. All of the three older (grown) kids have children out of wedlock. The oldest daughter got drunk and laid and pregnant, and didn’t want Able to think she was loose, so said she had been raped but then told everyone else she hadn’t been. She has a boy. The second daughter is hooked up with a meth dealer who beats her, so they are in the repeating Cops loop of her calling the police, screaming and crying about how he beat her up, and then when they cuff and stuff him, screaming and cursing them not to take her man. She has a girl. She also has a bad relationship with Able, who keeps threatening to drive to the town she lives in and shoot the meth dealer. Able’s son had a daughter in high school who was given up for adoption, and then had a son two years ago. He claimed the boy wasn’t his until DNA proved it. He thinks the mother is just a bitch who wants child support to spite him, so he works construction for Able and Able pays him under the table so that his wages don’t get garnished. The baby-momma comes by periodically and screams at him for being a fucking deadbeat (true) until he coughs up some diaper money. He and Able work together and go out drinking together. The son was riding shot-gun in the truck when Able got a DUI last year. He also was along when Able got arrested a couple years ago for shooting an elk and tagging it with a forged tag.

Crazy-Ass’s two kids are still in school. Able and Crazy-Ass have been: married and then divorced; then lived together (but not married) and then broken up; then common-law married and then divorced; then living together and now are breaking up. She says they were common-law married again and wants the house; he says they weren’t and the house is in his name. She’s currently living in the house with the two kids and they’re in court fighting about whether they were married or not. Both kids want to live with Able, 'cause Mom’s ass is crazy, but C-A has a restraining order against Able alleging physical violence so he can’t come within 300 feet of the house.

We just found out that when their relationship was deteriorating this last time, Crazy-Ass took out a million dollar life-insurance policy on Able, to which she forged his signature. The agent told her the policy would not be in force until Able had a physical exam to confirm his health. So then she alternated between having these knock-down fights with him (including clocking him with a cast-iron frying pan), and asking him to go get a physical because she was concerned about him. He just got a call from the agent reminidng him that “his” policy could not take effect until he got his physical; that’s how he found out she had taken out the policy. Now Able thinks Crazy-Ass was trying to poison him, and the Insurance Commission is investigating Crazy-Ass for attempted insurance fraud. She says Able knew about the policy all along, told her to sign it for him, and is now just trying to get her in trouble because of the divorce (non-divorce) court case.

It’s like As The World Turns with Bud Lite and chicken fingers. I don’t understand how these completely fucked-up people could have come from the same family as my dear old dad. This is not a remote off-shoot of the family tree, either; Able and I are first cousins.

Surely I’m not the only one with redneck relatives. Right? Right???

#2

Dude, that’s awesome :slight_smile:

What are your family functions like? Do these people show up? I want to know more about Crazy-Ass and Able!

#3

Bud Lite and Chicken Fingers? Shit, you’re at the Busch Beer and Fried Turkey level.

#4

Hi-fucking-larious! My family seems like the Waltons now. Thank you.

#5

That would be heavy metal poisoning?

Thankfully most of my relatives tend to have low key weirdnesses. Either that, or I don’t get the details. :stuck_out_tongue:

#6

Jodi, dear, you’re the doper I’d probably have voted least likely to be able to post a story like this with any veracity, yet here we are! So… what is legalese for Yeehaw? Heh, this left me grinnin’ from ear to mountaineer.

#7

Well, you’re certainly not the only one with redneck relatives. But redneck relatives out of “Deliverance”?

Seriously, when I was a newspaper reporter, I did ride-alongs with the cops, and we saw these people all the time. My pop-psychology analysis is that they are really unhappy about their lives and, for reasons you may not want to know about, have really low self-esteem. In fact, the phrase “self-loathing” comes to mind. Seriously. Their mistakes are always somebody else’s fault; failure anywhere in the family reminds each family member of his/her inadequacies (perceived or real) thus engendering anger toward the failure-of-the-moment. Individually and collectively they are trapped in a cycle of denial, rage, realization and escape leading back to denial.

Either your father is more like the rest of the family, and Able is the one who went down the drain, dragging his wives and offspring with him, thus starting a cycle of abuse, self-hatred, failure and more abuse; or, your dad was able to escape the death spiral and become a responsible human being who, to our good fortune, produced you.

#8

You’re not alone.

Father is an acoholic. Mother is just plain nuts. When they divorced, Father got custody of my brother and me - I was 5, but he dumped us on his parents. Grandfather wasn’t happy with the situation, but we were raised by them. Brother and I grew up with crawfish boils, squirrel stew, cock fights and regular whoopins.

Father continued drinking, got a phd in American History and married three other women over the years. I don’t know of any half-siblings, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few.

Mother has been in and out of the hospital for various reasons: mental health, cancer, mental health again. She has moments of voilent rages. Her usual technique is to get right up into someone’s face, scream insults at them, dare them to hit her and them scream “victim” when they retaliate.

The day I graduated from High School, Mother and Father had a fist fight on our front porch and the cops had to be called.

Brother became a father at 17. He’s 28 now and has been hospitalized twice with heart problems. Smoking cigarettes since middle school, weed since high school and drinking booze from dusk til dusk has hurt his ticker. He’d rather take meds than change his lifestyle.

Oh yeah. Mother is very protective of brother. When his girlfriend left him, there was a court date to determine custody of their son. Mother made a scene in the courtroom about how unfair all of this was to her little boy. The judge threw her out of the room. When she came back in, he had her placed in a cell!

Also, Mother has three master’s degrees. I’ve mentioned Father’s phd. Being ejumakated doesn’t make you any less of a red neck.

#9

I don’t think mine is anywhere on par with the stories that have been shared, but my step family- as nice as they may be- are as Arkansas as you can get.

Let’s see. . . Oh, they live in a big ol’ plot o’ land with two double wide trailers for (I think) 10 people. They’ve been living there for over a decade (again, I think), but just recently got a septic tank. :eek: They now have plumbing and other such modern conveniences.

I was recently told a story about how someone shot their dog. See, the neighbor- he’s an asshole, you see- he said that their dog was on his land chasin’ his chickens. But there’s no way that dog was chasin’ his chickens because he was asleep under the porch! Neighbor just wanted an excuse to shoot their dog! Now they’re going to shoot his chickens to get him back or something. Reminds me of this, it does.

My step cousin is a couple of years older than me and ever since my mom married my step dad, my step grandmother has tried to get me to date my (step) cousin. When I would sheepishly point out that we’re RELATED, she’d reply with, “Well, y’all ain’t blood, y’all are just kin!” Well, when you put it like that . . . But yeah, in the end, he ended up marrying a girl who looks suspiciously like me.

#10

They shot Deliverance on what used to be my family’s land. Lots of them still live up there. So no. No, you’re definitely not the only one with redneck relatives.

#11

My husband’s uncle (the one that took up with his his niece – Mr. K’s sister) lived right next door to Mr. K’s family for 50 years.

They had a small camper that they parked along the fence. There was just enough room for the dog to get stuck between the camper and the fence.

No one noticed it was gone until one hot day when they found Ol’ Roy liquifying on the fence. They had to pull his body out piece by piece.

How’s that for some down-home family pride??!!

#12

My two first cousins are gay and seem to be quite elegant and tasteful so I don’t think they qualify.

My parents, OTOH, are basically Jewish White Trash. My father was thrown out of the army, spent thirty years in the Post Office getting mad at all supervisors and drinking and gambling on his days off. My mother was a Teacher’s Aide for many years before finally getting her degree and complaining about education at every turn. They have appropriately retired to Las Vegas where they go to buffets and call me to gloat about the weather and how they can swim in February right outside their condo.

#13

Hey! That’s my family!
I am a Hatfield.

#14

There were a lot of things about my father I didn’t like. Many of them would qualify for the “Clampett” designation. But he was a hard worker, he loved me and tried hard to make my life good - and so I think I will remember that about him instead of the other things.

#15

Wow! Do you even need to watch Springer? You should put video cams everywhere.

#16

Well, she does have a point there. There is no blood relation. Lord knows if I had a hot step cousin and she was digging me I would be all over that. Am I right fellas? Fellas?

#17

The Clampetts would be insulted at the comparison. They weren’t alcoholic, crazy, or slutty. (I’m pretty sure Ellie May was a virgin.)

#18

But. . .still. I mean, we might not be blood related, but he’s still my cousin . . . and they’re from Arkansas, for cryin’ outloud! :stuck_out_tongue:

#19

Georgia, a redneck-prone State, is where the Yerkes Primate Reseach Centre is located.
…I’m just sayin’!

:smiley:

#20

Tough bunch here. I thought my liquifying dog / incest story would be a real crowd pleaser!