We have this family living above us, and they have a toddler. Every Saturday and Sunday morning, the mom brings the toddler down to the laundry room. This kid screams bloody murder. I don’t just mean normal crying or yelling. The kid screams. We lived below them while the kid was teething, for crying out loud, and he never cried so damn much. The last couple of days she’s had the kid down here every afternoon and evening as well. We can hear him screaming in his own place, he screams outside our door, he screams all the time!
So, I need to borrow a small child. I would like to babysit your child for several Saturdays and Sundays in a row. Mr. Jeannie and I will take great care of your child. You don’t even have to pay us. All we ask is that we can wake up your child no later than 8:00 am on the weekends, bring him or her upstairs to the hallway, and let him/her scream at the top of their lungs right outside my neighbor’s door. Any takers?
We seriously have no problems with kids. We love them. We’re trying to have one of our own. We completely understand that kids make noise. But this is getting ridiculous!
I’ve got one for you: a darling six-year-old girl who we affectionately refer to as “The Drama Queen”. Just stand her in the hallway and tell her that she can’t watch Scooby Doo or play with her Barbies. The screeches and wails will astonish and amaze your upstairs neighbors. Our neighbors used to think that we were strapping her to the wall and beating her with nail-studded 2 x 4’s until they got to know her.
I have one that would be perfect. Cranky Jr. is at an age where he has a mind of his own. He wants to go places that he can’t be, and since he can’t eloquently plead his case to us (he’s too little to talk well), he SHRIEKS at the top of his lungs. We’ve coped with this by pretty much never taking him anywhere in public until this passes. However, we’re lucky in that we don’t have to go to a common laundry room or laundromat to get clean undies for the family. We’ve got the ability to not subject others to his ear-splitting protests. We know how hard it is to put up with when the kid ain’t yours–we love our little banshee and it’s more than we can endure sometimes.
So… sure, I’ve got just the kid for you. But I’ve also got sympathy for the parents of the screaming spawn. It’s just a phase that is well-nigh unavoidable (with some kids, anyway), and if they don’t have a way to keep the monster behind closed doors while they do necessary errands, other people have to suffer along with with them. This too shall pass, hopefully, and your weekend mornings will get more peaceful.
What’s your address? Suppose I can get away with FedExing the little guy? I’d love to have a little peace around here.
I think Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor has the best answer (and easiest). However, if you’re dedicated to the idea of doing this ‘live,’ then I submit my children’s resumes to you. Now, they’re a little older than you stipulated (13 and 14)… but, I’d be willing to pit their noise-making ability against any cranky 3 year old’s any time. My son (the 14 year old) favors loud dystonic singing – usually of peculiar and obscure songs. You haven’t had an ear-bleed until you’ve heard Nick’s off-key rendition of “Jeremiah was a bull-frog…” including a foot-stomping, head-thrashing air-guitar solo during the “if I was the king of the world…” part. His 13 year old sister is somewhat quieter, but she does walk with crutches, and between the left crutch (which is getting rattle-ey) and her extremely heavy gait, she sounds like a heard of gimpy elephants walking around the house. Maybe you’ll want her on the floor above your neighbors, and Nick outside their door. Of course, if you station them both outside the door, you’ll have the added benefit of one of their patented LOUD arguments, as well…
Nick: “Jeremiah WAS a BULL-frog… Ugh, ugh, UGH!”
Dori rattle, THUMP, rattle, THUMP: “NICK! NICK! Cut it OUT!”
Nick: “He WAS a GOOD friend of MI-INE! Ugh, ugh, UGH!”
Dori: “NICK! I’m TRYING to watch 7th Heaven! STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!!!” Rattle, THUMP, rattle, THUMP, rattle THUMP
Really, I think they’ll give satisfaction. When do you want them?
If you really want to be vicious, place an anonymous call to the police: “My god! It sounds as if someone is murdering a child! Come quickly! Bring an ambulance!”
Of course, the call will be placed on the parents’ record: “Suspected child abuse. Watch them.” Even if the charge is totally baseless, the mere fact that the police were called can cause them problems.
On second thought, this is too evil. Don’t do it.
How about an anonymous letter left on their door? A letter to the manager? And then there’s the tape recorder thing…
I think Jess has the right idea, but the wrong ammunition.
The correct selection, of course, is my nearly 17 year old son. He’s 6’1", 170 lbs, currently bald (last big swim meet of the season), and since he shaved nearly all of his body hair as well, you can see the scar on his scalp and the manly looking one on his leg from the “arrow incident”.
He comes complete with bass guitar and amp, and musical taste that runs from Donovan, to the Doors to Type O Negative to whatever the hell is playing on the top 3 and 1/2 radio station.
His voice is deep, booming and has the singular ability to screen out all adult voices.
Because of his size and age, his stamia does in fact surpass the stamina of the average toddler.
AND, toddlers adore him. in awed, reverant silence.
So, I submit to you, Ben is the answer to all your prayers, and fortunately for you, quite available. (quite. really. he’s due to take his drivers test next week. :eek: )
Ours don’t need to be awakened by anyone. The baby, the three year old and the eight year old were all up between four and five this morning. If you think one child can make noise try three. The ten year old was the only one who decided that sleeping as late as possible was a good idea.
Bad idea? Waking me up at four thirty with the word “Pokemon”.
If you like that opening line, I submit my three sons. Aged 6, 8 & 10, these wonderful kids favorite game is “Let’s Drive Dad Nut’s”. The 6 y/o’s screaming can rival a jet liner. The 8 y/o’s favorite game is inducing this scream. The 10 y/o specializes in singing off key REALLY LOUD, and prefers motown. Oh and as an added incentive, give the 8 y/o a ball. Within mere minutes he will find whichever wall has the best potential for reverberating sound throughout a structure.
One question. Does the kid’s screaming and crying sound like the typical spoiled brat cry or does it sound like he is really in some pain.
I only ask because my friend’s 3 year old son recently died from stomach cancer that had spread throughout his body. Before he got too weak to cry, he was almost constantly screaming and crying because of the horrendous pain he was experiencing. It was heartbreaking.
Do you know these neighbors? My suggestion would be to talk to them directly letting them know that you have noticed their child constantly crying. You can even look like the good neighbor and ask if there is a problem you can help with. Does the mother need a break from this noise monster? If there isn’t anything physically wrong with the child and the parents don’t seem too concerned about keeping him quiet, I suggest you start up a large daycare.
Wow…this thread is great! “My kid’s worse than your kid!” Seriously though. My next door neighbors are yours, I’ll even pay you to get the brats out of the building! One’s about 2, the other’s 7 or 8. Have you ever awkened to the sound of screaming Hungarians? They’re good. Actually, if you could just take their father, you’d be better off…the guy would possibly put them in shock. Hell, he scares me, and I’m 19!
I have a 12 year old that comes complete with his own trumpet. I’ll gladly send him over to practice, my neighbors will appreciate it. Or you can have my 8 year old…he’s a screamer from way back. His father once said that he is certain that the screamers testicles must go north to his tummy when he makes that high pitched noise - even the dog runs away.
Take your pick or I’ll cut you a special deal on the package of two AND as a bonus (if you act quickly) I’ll throw in my SO’s 12 year old son who specializes in making the screamer go off the deep end about 120 times a day.
Diane, thanks for the suggestions. I don’t know them well at all. They’re in general kind of rude. (They never say hi, she’ll pull my clothes out of the drier mid-cycle to put hers in, they generally can be really noisy, etc…) I know that she has some sort of daycare thing going on. From what we can tell, she and a few other moms take turns watching all of their kids each day. There’s also an older woman who’s been around a lot lately, and I think she’s a babysitter.
The cries to me sound like a the kid’s literally being beaten. In fact, a couple of times, I have watched out the peephole in our door to see what’s going on. She’s not even touching the kid. What bothers me is that, when the kid screams, she doesn’t even seem to notice at all. I feel like she should be comforting the kid. It could reasonably be bratty screams, in which case, I could see the point of ignoring. My humble opinion is that he just has a really loud scream that sounds like he’s being beaten.
I’m so sorry about your friend’s child. That sounds awful.
I’m not really angry at these people about this. I just have honestly never heard such constant screaming. I don’t think they’re bad parents or anything, and I know that kids make noise. I just cannot believe that this much noise can come from such a little person.
Oh, and thanks for all the offers! I’ll run these past Mr. Jeannie and we’ll get back to you all later
I like sleep. I enjoy it a lot. We are due with our first July 5th or so. Do the math. When you get her to sleep through the night…send her back. That is all.
Set your alarm for 4:00 one morning, stand outside their door and give 'em the old primal scream therapy. Just make sure you leave before the police arrive.
– Spoffy
