Anyone wishing to be killed by The Mango, please sign up here.

So, in this Pit thread, I vented my spleen about a potential massage client who cancelled her appointment because she had a health condition which I felt might contraindicate massage and asked her for a doctor’s OK before I worked on her.

The responses I got were very interesting indeed.

Four out of six posters seemed to feel that dying during or immediately after a massage, if not a thing to be desired, was, at very least, not a bad thing.

So, I’m thinking, potential business opportunity here.

The deal is this.

If you have any of the following health conditions:

extremely high blood pressure
congestive heart failure
severe varicose veins which might be harboring blood clots
and are willing to pay enough to compensate me for the utter destruction of my as-yet unestablished professional reputation, the intense guilt I, being a somewhat ethical person, would feel over the death of a client on my table, and possible prison time if my nefarious activities were ever discovered by the proper authorities, I’m thinking about $1,000,000 ought to cover it, then you can contact me and make an appointment, and I will cause your death by heart attack, pulmonary embolism, or ruptured aneurysm during the course of a massage.

It’s the ultimate in niche marketing. Any takers?

Would I have to pay up-front? And if I request a ruptured aneurysm, but have a heart attack instead, will you put a credit on my account?

Can you give me a small heart attack so I can see if I like it?

Up until now, I never understood the following line in Phish’s lyrics.

“Your hands and feet are mangoes;
you’re gonna be a genius anyway.”


Now I do.

I would rather think they were referring to ‘la petite morte’, if you follow my meaning. Wink wink, nudge nudge. :wink:

I’d rather go during a massage than, say, being stabbed in the eye with a rusty fork while being gored by a dyspeptic bison. But that’s just me.

Aww, I only have moderately high blood pressure. Shucks. Though if I take Sudafed for a week, apparently it rises to near-stroke levels… as discovered recently.

But if the bison’s stomach were steady, then you’d prefer that route, eh?

Let’s see; I’d rather go during a massage than being rent into tiny pieces by neo-Luddites determined to eliminate all Oracle programmers from the face of the earth, while simultaneously being forced to listen to Britney Spears talk about politics.

But that’s just me.

I definitely expect payment up-front. Bereaved relatives might become suspicious if I billed the estated a mil for a massage that you received on the date of your demise. You may, however, pay on an installment plan, and set an appointment for your fatal massage when you have made your second-to-last payment and bring the final payment with you. I do expect to get the money before the massage. It’s very tacky to go through a dead person’s pockets in search of money.

And no, I will not be accepting requests as to which particular part of your circulatory system should fail. The goal is death by massage, period. If I succeed only in permanently disabling you, I will refund 50% of my fee.

Ginger, I like to think that my clients prefer their la petite mortes happen when they are in the arms of someone they deeply care for and will make breakfast for in the morning. Also, I really, really like to think that my fellow Dopers would not solicit a legitamate massage therapist for that kind of activity.

I would like to think they would as well… but a girlfriend of mine who is also a massage therapist, has found out otherwise.

It sure is! I, for one, think that sounds like a perfect Path O’ Doom. Think about the sympathy points you’ll have garnered for the afterlife!

The Asbestos Mango, I’m sorry to have to bow out. After consulting with my wife, I have been forced to concede that my demise will be entirely a family affair.

I could live with that, accept it, even embrace it. But why are they drawing lots right now?