I’ve come to the conclusion that I must be a terrorist. Why, you might ask would this late 20, tall, blonde, blue eyed, fishbelly-whiteskinned woman be considered a terrorist. Well, it’s the logical conclusion when I ALWAYS get searched at the damned airport. And usually I get searched at both the inital security point and by the individual airline folks before boarding?!
Fine, national gaddamn security, blah blah blah I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT!
Some background:
I travel a lot, both for fun and work. Many times I use Southwest as they have a regional hub here in Dallas. I always carry my luggage on. I am a very adept packer and can fit all my stuff in a carry-on.
Inevitably, when going through security, they pick me to do the search–the physical one, not for my bag. Mind you I NEVER set off the metal detector, yet they still pick ME. So it’s spread-em whil they use the hand wand. Yes, it’s usually a woman doing it, but the men like to stand and leer–esepecially when it comes to making sure the metal on your brastraps is in fact on your brastraps (the little buckle thingy). I suspect that they do this thing to all of the well-built female passengers. No, I don’t have an ego-complex. I am pretty and I am BUILT (I work goddamned HARD at it). It happens about 90% of the time to me.
Then, for some reason on Southwest, if you buy a one-way ticket or buy a ticket within an hour of departure, there is an almost guaranteed chance of getting searched. Moreover, once you get your ticket, you know you’re going to be searched if you have a checkerboard pattern. Here’s a clue you fuckwhistles, you’ve had this policy in effect almost since 9/11 do you think even the most dimwitted of terrorists wouldn’t CATCH ON?!?!
Not only is there a physical search, but there’s also a bag search, too. Again, the hand wand search with touching of metal beneath my clothes (buckles on belts, too) but now you are GOING TO GO THROUGH MY STUFF IN ALMOST FULL VIEW OF EVERY OTHER PASSENGER?! Do I fucking have ANY privacy to pack what I want? And I’ve had them comment on what I have in my luggage…
Well this past Monday was the last straw…
I had driven down to Austin with my boyfriend for the weekend and flew back EARLY Monday morning on Southwest. Inevitably, I was checked at the inital checkpoint, then I looked at my ticket…there was the FLURKING checkerboard pattern indicating that I was to be checked again. ARGH! But this time, there was a problem…
Note that I mentioned a weekend in Austin with my boyfriend. It was a FUN weekend…both in and out of bed. I had brought a few toys with me…namely my mini vibrator (small but phallus shaped) and my…
wait for it
Thai Jelly Butt Beads
Mid you they aren’t exactly like the Baby Jesus Butt Plug, but they are purple and hard (no string just smaller jelly in between the beads). It is DAMN clear what these are for.
So I call the boyfriend, “What do I do, they’re going to search me, they’ll find IT.” I frantically whisper into my cell phone. The woman next to me is trying VERY hard to appear NOT to be listening…I glance at her and then see the sign next to me “REPORT ALL SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY TO AIRPORT SECURITY” and she is pulling out her cell phone.
FUCK, the airport security is coming to get me.
Oh God, it’s going to be like the Delta incident with the womans dildo, OGOD.
Boyfriend tells me to throw IT away. However, now any trashing of something from my luggage will GUARANTEE that this woman calls security.
Then, I decided to FUCK IT, no not IT, I just decided not to care. So as the female searcher was searching my person, the male searcher searched my bag and placed everything out on the table…including IT. Several gasps could be heard, but I stood tall, proud of my anal fetish. It was eventually replaced in my bag and returned to me sans eye contact from him. He immediatley changed gloves (it WAS clean) and then watched me from the corner of his eye while I boarded.
In an almost full plane, I sat alone on my row…no one dared sit next to me.
So, when you hear about a crazy woman lawyer getting arrested at the airport for failure to allow a search, you’ll know that it was me, and that, most likely, I had ummmm toys in my bag.