My step-mother wrote it. She’s a lovely person and somehow she loved the big jerk, although no one quite understands how.
That’s what I was going to say. You can spin someone’s life any number of ways.
For example, you could have spun one of my grandfathers as a good Christian man who was a member of the Rotary Club in his city, a vice-president & chief loan officer of his bank who helped people achieve their dreams and found any number of small businesses in the area by , and who during his spare time, showed movies to the children in the hospital.
Or, I imagine, some people could describe him as that dick who wouldn’t give them a loan.
That may be a lie, but I can see why someone might want to tell the world good things about their deceased loved one. If someone was so horrible, what good comes of telling everyone? It could well upset someone who did care about them, and it’s not going to make anyone feel good to read that. It just seems petty and unnecessary.
My Mother-In-Law wrote out a rough draft of her own a few years back. When she passed, I took what she had outlined and just polished it into readable form, but the same information. Yes, they are expensive to run.
I’d like to add that the last five years of a person’s life might not always be the best years to judge them by. However, usually the last five years are about all we can remember.
I’ve seen one in which the family made the point that the young man had died from his drug problem. They seemed to be making the point to the reader of the dangers of drugs. I thought it was a better use of the obit than papering over the problem.
I wrote my father’s obituary and while he was a wonderful man who I think about every day and miss very much, not everyone liked him. I thought that was important to include in the otherwise laudatory piece I wrote. Here is the pertinent passage:
“He leaves a legacy as a brilliant and talented man, whose many accomplishments include horticulture, photography, dancing and cooking. His quick wit and exceptional intellect endeared him to many: to be fair, others found his honesty abrasive.”
I wish more obituaries would include a more nuanced picture of the person, but I understand why they don’t.
Palo Verde, did you end up seeing your father before he died? (You never updated your earlier thread.)
‘Passed away when his death occured unexpectedly at his home’ was the way my local paper put it when one of my friends was brutally murdered by a crack-cocaine dealer.
When the homeless and alcoholic son of a friend of my mother’s was beaten to death while he was sleeping in Golden Gate Park, I ended up writing the obituary.
It was accurate, but misleading.
In my understanding (and personal training) in the news industry, obituaries are staff-written. In fact, writing and updating obits of living is a time-honored task for beginning staffers–for famous people, it’s pretty sure that an obit will be needed someday but almost certainly not today, so the young staffers’ style and accuracy can be checked at some expoerienced staffer’s leisure. They are NEVER (in my experience) written by amateurs or by people who knew the deceased personally. “Death notices” on the other hand are often composed by family members, and are published in a separate part of the paper, certainly on the NY Times. Are some people in this thread using them interchangibly?
I was, yes, so thanks for the correction.
And staff written obituaries are not paid for, are - unless you live in a pretty small town with a newspaper - reserved only for the relatively famous. They lay out the facts of a persons life without - generally - too much commentary. Although when someone really famous dies (Reagan) you often get analysis on their life as well as commentary.
Death notices (which are commonly calls obituaries, hence the confusion) almost always are merely a few lines saying who the survivors are and giving funeral directions. They may include a few brief lines about the deceased (long time employee of General Motors, World War II vet) or the cause of death (lost his struggle with cancer). And may include phrases like “beloved” to describe the deceased. But being paid notices, the family can put in more if they wish. And being paid, lack of information should not be take for being a lesser life, or lying about it. It just means the family didn’t want to set themselves back $200 stating the cause of death, mentioning the Lodge, and listing all the grandkids.
And LOTS of people die without putting any notice in the paper at all.
It is the antithesis of class to insult someone publicly after they’ve died and can’t respond.
In 99% of the cases out there, there is no reason to be brutally honest about your personal hatred of a family member in the newspaper once he or she is dead. Why would you? Just so everyone can know that they were somehow wrong about liking the person?
What’s the purpose of an obituary? I think an obit is an opportunity to tell the world what we’ve lost. In the case of my parents, there was no BS–they really were wonderful people. I’ve seen some that are works of fiction, like that of a generally belligerent man who repeatedly threw his arrogant daughter out of the house: the obituary said she was “Daddy’s little girl” and that they were quite close. :rolleyes: In those cases, it’s more a matter of bragging and exaggeration, of showing the person to the world the way we want the world to see the deceased and, what’s probably more important to them, the family.
People also get squeamish about speaking ill of the dead. Not many people would be willing to write, “He was a cantankerous old coot who once chased the milkman with a meat axe,” though that would be infinitely more entertaining.
Another issue with obituaries that I don’t think I’ve seen mentioned yet are the photos. I’m always amazed at the number of women in their 70’s and 80’s (and sometimes men too but not as often) who will have an obituary photo that looks like a high school graduation picture. I always think of that as being a tad dishonest. (I’ve told my wife that when I die, I want her to use one of my baby pictures in my obit. :))
So as others have said, of course they leave out the bad stuff, and with good reason. What would you rather the obit to say? “Joe Bob: Dickhead.”?
In my local paper (the Memphis Commercial Appeal), the staff only writes a perfunctory obit with name of the decedent, his or her age, and the location of the funeral home: a maximum of two or three lines. Survivors can pay for longer notices; when my mother died, my sisters insisted on one that filled up about 10 column inches. (I ended up being irrationally annoyed by several things in it, but kept it to myself.) I think (though I’d have to check to be sure) that those are still listed under the Obituary heading.
I agree that death notices and obituaries are properly two different things.
Why is it dishonest? No one thinks that such a picture represents the deceased as she or he was at death – only as they were at one point in life.
Are you me? 
My Dad was quite honestly a good man, did many good things for the town and county, was hugely active in both his retired military organization and boy scouts, very active in the local business community even after retirement and was highly enough missed that there is a small memorial garden and a scholarship from one business organization and a local award named after him. His public face and private face were the same.
I went to see him and he died shortly before I arrived.