Are Blood Ties More Important?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Your stories are moving and I will share them with my first friend. (I’m sure that some of you have guessed that I am actually the other friend. I was trying not to give away my opinion or slant the thread.)

Dangerosa, judging from your post, you are certainly well qualified on all fronts to compare and contrast blood ties and non-blood ties. You are so fortunate to have so many people to love! To me, that’s the most important thing. Love for one doesn’t diminish love for another and we don’t have to quibble with anyone about what is real.

No, she has never had step relations that I know of. I don’t think that she means to be insensitive. She was not able to be around her grandchildren much when they were growing up and I think she missed out on a lot because of it. But she has strong feelings for her granddaughter anyway even though she rarely sees her or hears from her. The granddaughter is so precious to her that she can’t imagine anyone loving a non-blood relation quite as much. She’s just inexperienced in that one way.

What a beautiful, beautiful final gift that is to her.

You have done some extraordinary parenting that your child can feel comfortable in sharing that with you. And I understand what you mean when you say that in a way, you miss her too. I married a widower who was married to a lovely woman. We had mutual friends, even though we didn’t know about each other. Her family is so incredible that I know I would have loved her. So sometimes I miss her too. I try to do things to honor her.

I’m sorry for his suffering and your grief. I admire your ferocity and devotion! You have reminded me that the man who most closely filled the traditional role of grandfather for me was the man who was married to my father’s half-sister. They didn’t have children, but they did have lots of love to share. Two of my grandparents were gone before I was born. I loved my maternal grandfather, but he died when I was six and I remember being very sad when he was gone. My maternal grandmother was more distant. Aunts and uncles were very nurturing. I didn’t think that much about which one was the blood relation.

Surreal, those statistics are grusome. I wonder if that tells us more about sociopaths than it does about relationships in general. (I will go to read the link as soon as I post this.)

Goodness! You’ve nailed it!

presidebt, the Richard Bach quote is perfect! It reminded me of this excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams:

(The lines that follow are even better, and if you haven’t read the book, it’s pure gold!)

Thank you all very much.

22

My step-great-grandma was a loving, kind person. I’m sorry I wasn’t related to her. Her husband, my great grandpa, was dangerous and drunk and filled with anger and jealousy and hate.

23

Perhaps your friend will get lucky and get to know the joy of a “step” or “adopted” child in her life, like my father in laws mother did the last few years of her life.

Perhaps she should consider how she would feel if her own darling grandchild chose to share her love with an adopted child.

There is a constant theme in new adoptive parent talks - not everyone - but often enough. Which is “we know we will love our child just as much as any bio child, but we are worried about our parents.” I will say that sometimes people can’t overcome the “no blood” hurdle, but most of the time a baby’s smile or a toddlers hug and kiss will overcome any reluctance.

24

Oh, and thanks for the compliment on my parenting skills, but he’s five. He’s comfortable sharing poop jokes with me and announcing he’s farted in a loud voice and telling me every inconvience his little sister caused him - I don’t think its my parenting that’s made him comfortable, just that he still has very few filters on what he expresses.

But if you watch my kids play together - a little five year old Korean boy and his four year old blonde blue eyed sister - you know they are “real” siblings. They fight in the car, yell “Mommmmmm! She TOUCHED me.” Have sleepovers in each others rooms. Give each other hugs and kisses when the other gets hurt. Look after each other and ask the grocery store lady for “one more sucker, 'cause I have a brother at home.” Sometimes they are both “bad winners” (hahahahahaha, I I I won!), but I’ve seen my son throw a game so that his sister would win. They both - although particularly my daughter - refer to each other by “title” rather than name on occation “Brother, would you like me to get you a cookie.” Just being around my kids has caused a few “conversions” to the “you can be ‘real’ without blood ties” school of thought - because people come up to me after watching them on the playground to tell me. Often they don’t say it “that way” (but they have) - its usually “are those your kids? Gee they play together so well and love each other so much.”

25

you tell my Momma that she is not a Grandmomma to my sister’s kids 'cause my sister was adopted and she’ll cut ya. I guarantee it.

26

Not only have I read it, I have the Rabbit Ears Radio version read by Meryl Streep, with the piano stylings of George Winton. Good stuff, that. I highly recommend it.

27

A cousin of my mother adopted two daughters from an orphanage in South Korea. So what if my second cousins look different than the rest of us? By golly their names are on our family tree! And if it had been the other way around and, say, I’d given up a child for adoption that later found me, that child would not be on the tree with my second cousins.

28

My maternal grandfather died several months before I was born. My grandmother remarried when I was three. My step-grandfather is as close to me and my three cousins as he is to his “blood” grandchildren. However, I was taught to call him Mr. HisLastName rather than Grandpa Percy. I always thought this was stiff and formal and never liked it. I suppose it’s because Mom feels uncomfortable calling him by his first name and feels she can’t call him Daddy (what she called her father). But I refer to him and my grandmother as my grandparents.
Similarly, my paternal grandmother died years before I was born (when my dad was a teenager, actually). My grandfather remarried and my dad and uncle called my step-grandmother by her first name–after all, she was only about 12 and 16 years older than them, respectively. I called her Grandma Jean and my cousins called her Nana. For some reason I never felt that close to her, but that wasn’t because she wasn’t a blood relative.

29

I only have five cousins who are related to me by blood. Four of them I don’t know very well, and the fifth I don’t like at all.

My other cousin, my cousin by choice, is one of my most favorite people ever. She is tan with blue eyes and long straight blonde hair, and I am pale with dark eyes and curly short dark hair. We share no DNA, but I am closer to her than to any of my blood cousins.

Blood isn’t what makes a family.

30

I am stealing this. I am tempted to send it to certain people with emphasis on “respect” and “joy”, but I think I am going to just hang on to it for me for a while.

Thank you.

31

bonded by blood: little choice but to stick together through thick or thin, good or bad, for better or for worst. even if you split you cannot change the fact that you are related.

bonded by choice: you can always divorce and change the locks.

just to toss in something contrary, not necessarily IMHO.

32

Having been abandoned by my father and a large portion of his family, I’d have to say no.

33

Whenever someone says that step/adopted families aren’t “real” families, I tell them about my Uncle Ric’s family. Uncle Ric has four adult children – a biological son and daughter from his first marriage (Keith and Carolyn) and two stepdaughters (Eva and Kerry) from his marriage to my Aunt Connie. He’s Dad (my (step)cousin Kerry actually still calls him Daddy) to all four of them, even though he wasn’t a part of Kerry and Eva’s life until they were teenagers. Kerry’s three children all know him as Grandpa. One of Kerry’s daughters is technically her stepdaughter – even further removed from my uncle in terms of blood ties – and out of the three kids, she’s probably the closest with her Grandpa. Uncle Ric loves Eva, Kerry, and Kerry’s children just as much as he loves Keith and Carolyn; I think he’d do just about anything to ensure their wellbeing and happiness.

As many other posters have already said, family isn’t about blood, it’s about love.