Completely opposite situation that involves an uncle of mine. He was married, had two kids and lived life as a fairly devout Catholic. At the age of 42 his wife died suddenly and it really hurt him badly for several years, and then he said he felt a calling to do greater things within the Church. He quit his job as a fairly successful CPA and is now a priest.
Wow. I could have written this exact thing. Well, my mom mentioned that she wanted to be a nun as a child. Apparently it wasn’t what she expected or something.
My friends father is actually a monk and he doesn’t claim her or really acknowledge her because monks are not supposed to have children. She went to visit him once and he tried to give her money to leave–she was very sad and rightfully so.
Well I’m not, but all my friends and family members are. 
Two Uncles on my Mothers side are priests. One is dead now and one is retired. Couple fop great Aunt’s were Nun’s Some of my school friends became Nun’s and Priests.
I know several ex-nuns and 2 ex-priests.
I find no stereotype among them at all.
YMMV
How do you folks (at least the Catholics) only seem to know one or two? I know a dozen or more. (I probably hang around with the wrong crowd.)
Among those I know, only one seems to have been pressured into the priesthood trying to please his “sainted mother.” Within one year of her death, he was out of the priesthood and married. (Unfortunately, he was fertile; he married one of the ditziest women I’ve ever encountered–and he was no prize–and they successfully bred. Fortunately, he is no longer messing up people and parishes around metro Detroit with his faux spirituality and general idiocy, although I do feel sorry for the customers of whatever product he’s currently pushing.)
Among the rest, the reasons for entering the seminary or convent were usually a desire to serve God. The reasons for leaving were as varied as the person: several guys left after constant fights with their bishop in which they felt that they were being given punitive assignments that prevented them from being effective ministers. (Under the same bishop, several more guys signed up to be military chaplains because they had the same experiences, did not want to leave the priesthood, and found that that was the only assignment that that bishop would sign the permission for a move out of the diocese.) Several guys from the 1960s through the very early 1980s decided that they had fallen in love and just had to get married. (Among the guys I know, that experience has been far more rare since the 1980s.) I’ve known a couple of guys who simply found they’d made a bad choice and could not take the strain of trying to follow a path that made them hate getting up each morning.
One interesting thing that I have observed: [anecdote alert: I have no documented numbers] it seems to me that the guys who have left either stay very active in the church as laymen or they reject the church (and often a belief in God) entirely. They never seem to just settle down to be Sunday Catholics.
Among the women I know who’ve left the convent, it seems to have generally been simply a matter of the convent (or that particular order) just not being a good “fit.” Of course, it is easier for them to slip out with less fanfare, especially up through their early 30s because in most orders, women do not take final or permanent vows right out of school, “signing up” for periods of three years or seven years at a time before making their final commitment.
I don’t know if the same exit experience I mentioned is true for women. The former sisters I know tend to be active in their parishes, but I tend to know that they were sisters because it comes out in discussions at church. There might be any number of such women who only show up in the pews on Sunday and then go home and I would not know them.
(On the other hand, I do not have much experience with brothers and neither know what their experiences are like nor the rules of their entry and exit.)
Can’t believe I’m the first to say this, but I know an ex-priest who left the ministry to pursue openly homosexual relationships. We’re not extremely close friends (I know him mainly through his boyfriend), but here’s what I gather: He joined the priesthood because of his desire to serve God and the Church and because it was a pretty good option for a young gay Catholic man. However, later in life, horrible depression, alcohol abuse, and other Bad Things led him to the fact that he couldn’t just run away from The Gay. He is still involved with Chuch stuff in a limited capacity and is somewhat of an activist. He’s a wonderful guy; I’m glad he’s doing what makes him happy.
I thought this pattern was more common, but given that nobody else has mentioned LBGT-related reasons for leaving the clergy, maybe it’s not…
Oh sorry, yes - one of the two nuns I mentioned went on to have a relationship with a woman. The other one got married to a bloke, and all the former priests or seminarians are in heterosexual relationships now.
Continuing the hijack, I refused to believe my aunt was a nun when I was very little, because where was the singing? Where was the dramatic gothic stone cloister? The head-to-toe flowing black habit? My aunt wore pantsuits and drove to work.
She’s still a nun, so sadly that doesn’t help the OP. Of the other people I know who are former religous, it’s hard to make generalizations about why and how they left. As far as I know, they believed they had a genuine vocation, or at least a calling to find out for sure if they had a vocation. Just about everyone I know in this position is still pretty active in the Church. I personally don’t know anyone who left because they had a crisis of faith (as opposed to crisis of vocation).
One interesting thing I remember about the (former nun) mother of one of my childhood friends is that she still socialized with a lot of the sisters, which makes sense because those were her friends from her young adult years. One time my friend’s parents went out of town – we were contemplating whether or not to have a party at her house, and another friend said (in disgust) “But it’s not any fun to break the rules in your house, it’s a NUN HANGOUT.”
When I was a catholic, and wished there were more clergy, I always thought that the church should have something similar to the ROTC program for priests and nuns. I figured there were plenty of pious individuals who would be glad to devote five or seven years to the church, but would eventually like to move on to an ordinary life. And they would certainly be very active in their parishes afterwards, and become the people who are the backbone of a good congregation. They would also have an investment in the future of the church, as well as an understanding of how difficult the ministry is.
Now, of course, the whole corrupt institution can’t collapse under its own weight fast enough for me.
Depends how you’re looking at it. Two of the guys I know are gay, (well, one, the other has died), but neither of them left to pursue a relationship. The one who died had a lot of personality/psych issues and wound up with lots of drug and alcohol problems and destroyed his health. I’d put him in the “hate to get up” category. (Yeah, he did die of AIDS, but his health was already seriously broken before 1980.) The other was one of the guys in conflict with the bishop over his ministry. Neither of them left to get civilly united.
1. Why did you (they) get into religious orders? For example, a genuine calling? Pushed into it by family?
The nun was/is my mom. I found out about the exact reasons of just why she wanted to join the convent and…well…sit down kiddies… Back in 1944, December, her class graduated early so the boys could go off and fight in the war. My mom, being a hot potato, was proposed to by one of the many guy friends she had. My mom, not opting for any normal excuse like, " Ummmm, no." or " I can’t, I’m washing my hair." Said " I can’t. I’m becoming a nun." Yes, her spinelessness was apparent in the early years. YAY MOM!
**2. How and why did you get out of religious orders?**Her reasoning that it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be came from receiving no mail during lent and on Easter Sunday 1945, receiving scads of letters from friends telling her which friends were killed in war. This left my sheltered mother in tears and the Mother Superior chided her for crying on the Lord’s Day. Ummm, yeah. And the small fact that they were only allowed to bath once a week ( saturdays) and then that afternoon had to weed the cemetary.
By June of 1945, my mother realized the entire convent wasn’t any fun and, I dunno, got out. I’ll have to ask. I can’t imagine her having a back bone to tell someone she was unhappy.
3. Did you have a loss or alteration of faith when you left religious orders? No, she still needs a man-centered advice and to be told what to do.
I know of one other ex-nun who was my mom’s first cousin ( there were three first cousins that became nuns. One is still a nun and quite the upstart, if you ask me, even though she is nearly 80.) The ex-nun was a nun for something like 30-40 years and left to get married at the age of 60 something to a wonderful man who was a widower with adult kids. I don’t know of many men who get married a second time in life who get a virgin the second time around that is the same age.)
Anywho, this cousin, caused quite a ruckus in Yee Olde Catholic Family for leaving, but really, it is no one elses business and she got the blessing of my grandpa
( the big cheif hoo ha) and the rest was history. She died not long ago. Nice, nice, nice lady.
Oh, and I had two great uncles that were priests. Not to brag. One was a pretty big whatever for a cardinal in Toronto and was behind the scenes at Vatican II.
His brother was a priest too. ( funny-bizarre story about him becoming a priest.)
Back when Father Vin was born ( 1898 maybe, dunno.) he was a sickly baby as kids were back then and even probably worse since they were in rural Ontario (Walkerton). He was the last child of 5 or 6 kids.
My Great Grandmother (Mom’s Dad Mom, y’follow?) made a deal with God. If God let little Vincent live, Vincent would become a Preist.
:eek:
When I was told this not so long ago, I think my mouth just hit the floor. “Maaaa! Ummmm What if Father Vin didn’t want to be a priest? What if he wanted to be a plumber or something?!!”
“He never questioned it.” and a load of Kids didn’t question their parents authority and did as they were told and our parents were right. You didn’t have a choice…blah blah blah… crapola until my optical nerve snaps from rolling my eyes back in my head.
It turned out to work for the better as this young son ( as well as his other priestly brother.) had a photographic memory and he would have never gotten the education that someone of his intelligence deserves being a farm kid from Canuckistan. He ended up being a cunning linguist (HA!) with a fluency in something like 12 languages and traveled the world doing the mooch off the parish and parishioners program. (I feel safe to say it wasn’t because of pedophilia cause…uh…fark…I dunno. My mom vouches for him.) Somehow he helped discover some Saint’s tomb (Not sure if it was like an Indiana Jones’ kinda adventure or he was able to crack the linguistics.) and is in a book of who’s who somewhere.
His brother was a priest for something like 60 years. Taught at the seminary to all the young priests back when the church had to turn away young men because they didn’t have enough room. He also taught college for years (including his neice, my mom, and was a very tough teacher.)
As a side note, there was no one faster at a meal than Father Leon. He’d show up for Sunday dinner minutes before the food was on the table, do the blessing, eat and be gone within minutes of the dinner’s completion.
I’ll shut up now.
I have an exchange Father from Germany who was a Protestant Minister but left the trappings of that life to become a respected Professor of Theology, head editor of a religion magazine, and author (both children and adult books). I think he said his reason for leaving the Ministry was that he was too much like Martin Luther- he liked women, wine, and controversy too much. 
I don’t doubt this is true for your former neighbor – but I feel compelled to point out for anyone who might be thinking that Religious life precludes academia that I went to a Catholic college and had three Sisters for professors. All were Ph.D’s in their fields.
Hit “post” too soon!
My very own father was a seminarian. The seminary he attended also operated a high school at that time (I don’t know if they still do; I doubt it). The idea was, a boy would get his secondary education and then go on to become a priest. My father, like many others, began this path but quickly realized that it was not for him. He left St. Meinrad and enrolled in college. He graduated with a law degree and became a small-town lawyer and prosecutor. He did remain an active, devout Catholic in service for the remainder of his life, and at the time of his death was in the Diaconate program, the completion of which would have made him an ordained Deacon.
Slightly outside the OP, but if I were Catholic, I might’ve become a nun. For about three months during my senior year of college, I felt a strong calling to join a religious order. I wanted a quiet, contemplative, simple life. “Wanted” is a bit weak; “yearning” might be more descriptive, but it sounds melodramatic. Anyway, I think there was more to it than that, but I’m not sure what it was. I decided not to pursue it mainly becuase I’m fairly certain there’s no religious order that sufficiently corresponds with my personal faith.
My step-dad’s father was a priest. He left the seminary when he met step-dad’s mother. I’m afraid he died before I was born, so I can’t answer your questions.
My grandfather was an Episcopal priest. He doesn’t disguise that fact, but I’ve never heard him talk about either why he entered or left. That information comes from my mother, who isn’t what I’d call a reliable source, but according to her, he became a priest to please his mother, and then was forced to leave when he divorced his first wife. He has never given any indication of any kind of faith, but that’s another thing I’ve never actually discussed with him. My mother thinks he lost his faith when his second wife (my grandmother) died, but as I said, her perceptions of things are not nessecarily accurate.
I’m not an ex-priest, but I’m a priest who has considered becoming an ex-priest from time to time, and I can offer some thoughts on why I’d be inclined to leave.
First off, is family. I’m in a denomination that allows its priests to be married, so I’ve been able to answer both vocations, but there remains the fact that the job of being a priest isn’t always easy to integrate with family life. Not that there aren’t plenty of other professions where this is the case, but for sheer unpredictablity of hours being a priest has got to be high on the list. I’ve missed many of my kids’ athletic events at the last moment because of parish business.
From the perspective of family finances, being a priest also creates challenges. I’m always amused by folks who post on these lists who make some comment about how much money the church makes. It may be true in other places, but I’ve never been empoyed by a place like that. Where I serve we’ve got a minimum salary guideline for full-time clergy and I make a bit above that, but I’ve been in this profession for over twenty years and as a person with a four-year undergrad degree and seven years of post grad work and two post-grad degrees I could have gone into some other more lucrative profession and supported my family much more comfortably. One of my kids will be starting college next year and where the money will come from isn’t as clear as we’d like it to be.
Family considerations are important, but in all honesty if there’s ever one thing that makes me seek another profession it will probably be church people. Most are wonderful, but in every congregation I’ve ever served there have always been a few who like to keep things stirred up. Years ago when I was ordained the person who gave the sermon at the service said that down the road I’d meet, among others, little old ladies who were “frail of body and vicious of spirit.” They haven’t all been old ladies and they haven’t all been frail, but every time I’ve encountered that genuine viciousness it’s been s shock. It’s all part of the job,m true, but it’s a particularly unpleasant part. In general, I think people who are called to the ministry tend to be people who enjoy approval, and when disapproval comes, particularly when it seems umerited, it’s difficult to accept.
Just recently I discovered that I had some stress-related health problems and it’s made me reevaluate my lifestyle, including my profession. I’m not planning to leave, but if I ever do I would guess that I’d probably choose some line of work that involves making things. I’d like to do something that was quantifiable and that used different parts of my brain. I’m deeply attracted by a lifestyle that would allow me to look back at my day and say this is what I accomplished today. My current profession rarely allows that.
Curate