As your family dies off...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

…you start to wonder just how much longer you have on this earth.

My family is not known for longevity. Well, at least not my immediate family and to a lesser but still noticeable extent, my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins…).

It is now ten years since my older brother died of a massive heart attack. Making me the oldest surviving member of my immediate family. My mother died of stomach cancer at the age of 49, when I was 13 years old. My father died four years later at the age of 52 of a stroke. He’d had his first heart attack at the age of 38 when I was just a toddler. And in the interim, he’d had one or two more heart attacks. My older brother (the oldest of four siblings, of which I was the only female) had his first heart attack at the age of 40. He was 55 when his next heart attack killed him. I have two surviving brothers, both younger than me.

So, I started out pretty young thinking that I probably would not have a particularly long life. Both of my grandfathers were dead before I was even born and my paternal grandmother died in her mid-sixties of a heart attack. I did have a maternal grandmother who lived until the age of 86 and I have a maternal aunt who is still going strong at 88. But she is the only surviving member of her immediate family of seven siblings (and she is not the youngest) all of whom are gone now.

All of my father’s siblings (he also had seven) are long gone with the exception of his youngest sister - and since I have been out of touch with that side of the family for many years, I’m not entirely sure about her.

So…I’m not yet 63 and I have for many years now, felt like I’m living on borrowed time. This is a sobering thought. There is a tendency toward a certain resignation - since medical care did not save my parents or my brother, I have always had an aversion to prophylactic medical care. (Unfortunately…or not, who knows? this aversion is only exacerbated by the fact that I presently have no health insurance). I have a thyroid disorder which predisposes me to high cholesterol, but I have repeatedly declined statins from my doctor. She also thinks I should take blood pressure meds, even though my bp is only high (and just borderline high at that) when I’m in her office - ‘white coat hypertension’. I have declined bp meds as well. My doctor thinks I’m an idiot. In large part due to the fact that I smoke, as do both of my brothers, who probably share my feeling of resignation to early death.

Still, I often become pensive, wondering every year just how much longer I have…

And the ultimate irony would be if I die of an equally likely cause like a car accident or such.

The older I get and the farther away I get from where my parents and my brother died, the more I think that death must surely be imminent. And since my life has not been so successful that it would seem ‘worth it’, the more I wonder how much it really matters…everybody dies!

Not looking for advice here, just being pensive and wondering, wondering…

2

I’ve found myself pondering my mortality, but from a slightly different angle.

I’m 58. Everyone of my grandparents’ generation are dead - paternal grandfather at 72, paternal grandmother at 74, maternal grandmother at 84 maternal grandfather at 86. Their assorted siblings have all died, mostly in their 70s and 80s.

Of my parents’ generation, on my dad’s side, the only one still alive is my uncle (by marriage) who just turned 90. My mom’s 3 sibs are still alive (she’s the oldest at 78, the youngest is 66) but they all have health issues.

That makes my tier the next in line. One cousin has already died at (I think) 64 - she was very overweight, very inactive, and she had a really hard life apart from that - I think she just wore out. So of those of us in this generation, the oldest is a cousin who’s in her early 70s, and the youngest is a cousin I haven’t seen since my grandfather’s funeral - and I think she may be early 40s. And we’re next.

That’s what swirls around in my brain. The older generation is just about gone. So we, “the kids,” are next. The funerals will not be for the old folks - they will be for our contemporaries, more or less. We’re now the old folks. The cousin who was a cheerleader for the Baltimore Colts back in the 60s is herself in her mid-60s. The cousin I used to help feed and diaper is a grandmother now.

And what strikes me even more - we’re not as close as we were way back them. We’ve moved over the years, maybe seeing each other at funerals, but not always because for some, the distance was too much. I’m not even certain where some of these cousins live now. And would I even go to their funerals… not that I don’t care, but I really don’t know them any more.

And one day, I may have a great-great-grandchild thinking the same things. Ah, mortality.

3

An odd, but unforunately not too uncommon place to be. Personally I am in a kind of weird place myself. Some family members seem nearly immortal. Others drop dead way early. So which genetic fate do I have? Am I on borrowed time, have plenty of time, or just so so?

4

Mine isn’t particularly, either. My longest lived grandparent was in her 80s but the rest died in their early 70s or earlier (I did have one g-gparent that was in her 90s but I hardly knew her.)

Unfortunately it was complicated by the fact that all of them smoked at one point or were alcoholic. So I don’t know if I could live to my 90s if I take care of myself or if I will also keel over at 70 no matter what I do.

5

You need to take care of yourself because no one else will. Both of my parents passed away in the last 4 years due to chronic health issues resulting from earlier neglect. Mom was 69 and Dad 74. My paternal grandparents both lived into their mid-90s. Nothing is written in stone.

Consider your doctor’s advice on things and take some action - if you do not take care of yourself when you are able, there will come a day when you are unable to help yourself and no medicine will help. I saw this with my parents.

6

Well, smoking is a major risk factor for stomach cancer as well as stroke and heart disease. If either of your parents were smokers, that may have played a role in why they died so young, and that’s something you have control over in your own life.

What is it that concerns you about taking statins? Is it just the cost, or are you worried they would hurt you in some way?

I doubt that you are genetically destined to die young, but you may indeed be putting yourself in an early grave based on attitudes that you’ve inherited from your other family members about lifestyle issues like smoking.
People in my own family have tended to die young as well. However, they were also prone to smoking and didn’t like going to doctors. Since I have control over those things, not to mention that medical science has advanced a lot over the years (even in the last 10 years), I don’t see my own early death as inevitable. There are no guarantees for anyone, of course, but we have some control in reducing risk.
While I may not live as long as I would like to, it’s been my observation that people who make poor lifestyle choices often have worse quality of life in the years leading up to their death than those who try to live a healthy life. Losing quality years is just as bad as losing quantity of years.

I know it’s really hard to make changes (since my father, who I loved very much, was a hardcore smoker for many years even though it caused catastrophic health problems and an early death for him). However, I think you still have time to make positive changes and possibly live a longer, better life if you want to.

7

I had a maternal great grandmother who died at the age of 97. Her daughter, my grandmother, is still alive at 107. My mother is now 80. I hope to live to a good age, but as has been said, nothing is written in stone.

8

I have one close relative left, a 91-year-old uncle. He was the epitome of health. Turned 91 last June on a Danube River cruise. Played golf regularly. A few weeks ago after finishing 18 holes of golf, he started having fainting spells. Ended up having a double bypass about a month ago, a procedure the doctor said was not normally done on patients my uncle’s age, but he was made an exception due to his good health. He’s back home resting now.

I still have a couple of aunts by marriage including my uncle’s (relatively younger) wife and loads of cousins. But I don’t really know my cousins, and when my uncle goes, that will be quite a milestone. I’m in my 50s; my father died at age 69, but all of his siblings including my uncle made it into their 80s. Hopefully I still have a ways to go.

9

I am in this boat.

I first got my driver’s license at 16 years old. Shortly thereafter, my buddy and I were goofing around in the living room watching TV when we heard a crash come from my mother’s bedroom. It seemed she had fallen down in the shower and crashed through the shower door (plastic, not glass). As it turned out, she had a heart attack. I went into crisis mode and picked her up, put a towel over her and carried her to the car. Then we drove to the hospital where I literally skidded to a halt and screamed at the staff at the door of the E/R for help. She was about 42. After a few days in the hospital, they let her go and she was okay.

Fast forward to today: Her history: She’s had 2 heart attacks and 3 strokes. She’s now 75 and talks all the time about how “she’s not long for this world”. Two out of her three brothers are now dead from various heart-related reasons. (I don’t get a lot of details from mom; we’ve been apart for years.) I have no info from my father’s side of the family, but I’m sure it’s not good.

I’m just waiting for my first heart attack. Family history and medical history doesn’t seem to be in my favor. It would seem that most of the men in this family don’t live to be a great old age. I try to keep healthy and (sometimes) exercise, but I’d bet green money it’s just a matter of time. I’m hoping to get a good job with insurance, just in case.

I’m over 40, btw.

It would seem the women hold the longevity card in this family. Most of the women in this family live to almost 100. Most of the men die before 60.

10

**lavenderviolet **wrote a great post. I know you’re not asking for advice, but you must know that smoking causes your blood vessels to constrict, leading to heart attacks and strokes. You write that you have an aversion to prophylactic medical care, but you owe it to yourself to at least not be encouraging your early death, especially given your family history.

11

Thank you for your response - It was an excellent example of concern without judgment!

As far as statins go…well, here is my understanding, and it may be flawed as I am hardly an expert. Although I don’t necessarily consider most doctors to be that much of an expert either…

High cholesterol has been shown to have a definite correlation to heart disease. And taking statins will certainly lower your cholesterol. However, the correlation between taking statins and a reduced incidence of heart disease is less clear. From what I understand, the only positive effect that has been shown between taking statins and minimizing the risk of heart attack, is for people who have already had a significant cardiac incident. For those who have never had a heart attack, the benefit has not been proven. Especially for women. And like most drugs, there exists a definite possibility of adverse side effects, in the case of statins I believe liver damage is one significant possibility.

I don’t have cites for this, it’s information that I have gleaned from a lot of reading. And I’m not trying to convince anyone. If taking statins makes you feel better about your overall health care, then go for it. I choose not to do so. I’m not convinced of the benefit.

I’m not sure about the genetic component - it would certainly seem that minimizing risk through lifestyle choices would be a good idea, if I want to prolong my life. On the other hand, although I spoke of the inevitability of early death due to genetics, if nothing else…at the same time, part of me thinks that I am already long past the point of what would be called ‘early death’ in my family. I’m 14 years older than my mother ever lived to, I’m almost 11 years older than my dad ever lived to, I’m nearly 8 years older than my older brother ever lived to. I’ve already outlived all of my immediate family. By a long shot, really. So if I dropped dead tomorrow, I don’t think it would really qualify as ‘premature’.

In other words, once you reach the point where, psychologically, you feel that you are already on borrowed time, it becomes that much harder to justify sacrificing the small pleasures of life (and yeah, I know its not politically correct to say so, but smoking is a small pleasure) in the hopes of gaining a little more time. You really can’t minimize the psychological component…

Because, we won’t live forever and most of us wouldn’t want to - sooner or later, everybody dies…

12

I’m 63. My mom died three years ago at age 98. My brother died in 1977. That leaves my sister and me. Neither one of us have or will have children, so this branch of the family will die when I do (unless I adopt, and that’s not likely).

And yeah, there are times when the thought will cross my mind that a lot - a whole lot - of the things that make up my memories happened a long damn time ago, and the clock is ticking.

13

My grandparents, parents and one sibling are dead, so I have one brother (Whos mentally ill) left now.

But as I didn’t actually expect to live anywhere near this long, (Male members of my family tend to die off young due to life style related events) it doesn’t sober me more then my ever present fear of death normally does.

I just hope that its quick and of the suddenly hit by a bus sort, rather then a long lingering one from a terminal disese.

14

well…I guess that’s what we all hope for, isn’t it? No one wants to linger on, being a burden on our loved ones…but, still - I remember…

I remember being a shy, timid, fearful 17 year old motherless child, whose father woke up from a nap around christmastime…and my bright, smart, articulate and adored father suddenly could not speak! He would try to speak, but nothing but gibberish would come forth. He would try to write, but the only thing he could manage was a shaky, very shaky, ‘I am drunk’. This was so baffling to me 'cuz I knew he was not drunk, my dad seldom drank and certainly had not had anything to drink that day.

Well, he was not drunk, and after being hospitalized for a few days, it was determined that he’d had a small stroke. He recovered from it within a few days and he later explained to me that he wrote that because that is how he felt - drunk! But that was the beginning of the end - a month later, a much more massive stroke hospitalized him and a few days later he died.

So yeah…especially since I am now so much older than he was at that time, I sometimes imagine just lying down for a nap and waking up not being able to speak or communicate. It’s a scary thought. So we have no guarantees, do we? Not even if we abandon as much as we know of our ‘bad habits’.

Life is funny, isn’t it? And death, though inevitable…is so unpredictable.

15

I’m way too young to be thinking about this stuff… only 27. But all 5 of my grandparents (including 1 step-grandpa) are dead now, so my mom & dad’s generation is next. They’re both 50+ and still alive, and none of their contemporaries have died yet. But I honestly have NO idea how long I can expect to live, genetically-speaking. Most of my grandparents died of accidents:

My dad’s mom died of esophageal cancer due to untreated GERD, but if she had treated her GERD she might still be alive. Hers is literally the ONLY incidence of cancer in my entire extended family.
Mom’s mom died in a fire.
Dad’s dad died in a car accident.
Mom’s dad died due to an embolism that traveled from a blood clot after he broke his leg in an industrial accident.

I’m not sure what to expect! And I like it that way.