Asinine disclaimers in commercials

[Mean_Mr.Mustard]

Steve Martin had an article some years back in The New Yorker that nicely dealt with this topic:

Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you.

Link to full article
mmm

[fachverwirrt]

I enjoy it when sleep aids include the admonishment “may cause drowsiness.”

I certainly hope so.

@Ambivalid

Not really in the spirit of the OP but I always got a kick out of the neighborhood street signs that said: “Slow children at play”. There was no division between “slow” and “children”, so it read as though it was saying there were a bunch of mentally challenged children out and about in the 'hood.

When I see the sign “DRIVE SLOW CHILDREN” I always mentally punctuate it “DRIVE! SLOW CHILDREN.”

[Jackmannii]

There’s one block in my area where they’ve put up a sign reading “Drive slowly - we love our children”.

I figure that means I can speed up in the next block, where they don’t give a rat’s ass.

[Malthus]

@fachverwirrt

I enjoy it when sleep aids include the admonishment “may cause drowsiness.”

I certainly hope so.

When I see the sign “DRIVE SLOW CHILDREN” I always mentally punctuate it “DRIVE! SLOW CHILDREN.”

Not nearly as alarming as a sign in my old neighbourhood: “BEWARE OF ELDERLY PEDESTRIANS”. :eek:

[Ludovic]

Beware? If you don’t keep up speed they’re gonna carjack ya?

[Malthus]

@Ludovic

Beware? If you don’t keep up speed they’re gonna carjack ya?

The threat is left unspecified, and all the more alarming for that.

[DrFidelius]

@Malthus

The threat is left unspecified, and all the more alarming for that.

Hell’s Grannies, from the classic British documentary series “Monty Python’s Flying Cricus.”

[Fugazi]

I can’t remember the comedian (it might have been Gallagher) who was talking about the warning on a bottle of sleeping pills.

Warning - do not operate heavy machinery

I don’t know about you, but I always slip into my pajamas, pop a couple of sleeping pills, then fire up the ol’ bulldozer and level off the back 40.

[Enderw24]

There’s one car commercial where the grandson picks his grandfather up from the retirement home and they take a drive. The grandfather’s in the passenger seat, rolls down the window and puts his hand outside, waving it along with the wind.

Disclaimer: Closed course, do not attempt.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@freckafree

I once saw a charcoal grill in a store with the warning “Watch children and pets while burning.”

You bet I will!

@Fugazi

I can’t remember the comedian (it might have been Gallagher) who was talking about the warning on a bottle of sleeping pills.

Warning - do not operate heavy machinery

I don’t know about you, but I always slip into my pajamas, pop a couple of sleeping pills, then fire up the ol’ bulldozer and level off the back 40.

You too, eh? I thought it was just me.

I remembered an old warning on dremel tools - “Do not use for home dentistry.” Yes, we know it looks a lot like the tool your dentist uses to drill your fillings (and for all I know, it actually is), but you must resist the urge to buy a $25 dremel tool* and fix your own teeth.

*Ancient history pricing.

[ralph124c]

I like the ad that the French drug mfg. (Boiron) runs for oscillicium (did I get that right)? It is a homeopathic medicine that is supposed to help you to avoid getting the flu. Only the package carries the disclaimer:’ Not intended to diagnose or treat any disease. These claims have not been verified/tested."
So I guess dropping $18.00 for a box of this crap is throwing your money away.

[Airk]

@Suburban_Plankton

Not quite on topic, since it’s not from a commercial (though I see we’ve already decided to waive that restriction):

We have a bottle of Pet Shampoo at home that proclaims on the label “Not Tested on Animals”.

I guess that way I can’t sue if it sets my dog’s hair on fire?

Not to be the wet blanket or anything, but that one’s not a “warning”. It’s a statement of fact like “Contains no MSG”; It means they don’t have a corps of testers back at the lab checking out what happens when that shampoo gets into the eyes of rabbit or something.

[simster]

if we’re getting to disclaimers - I love that everything fishing related now carries a lable “may contain lead…” due to a California mandate.

So yes - those lead sinkers - they may indeed contain lead - also that plastic bait, the fishing line, the rod, the reel, etc - basically, the manufacturers have put that disclaimer on everyting so as to make it meaningless.

And I once got a packet of Peanuts - that may have been produced in a facility that handled peanuts.

[Philliam]

@campp

I don’t have a specific example, but I always love listening to side effects of advertised drugs. “May include death…” :eek:

… and in veeery fine print “and spontaneous combustion”

[Surly_Chick]

I once bought a garden gnome as a gift and the sticker on the bottom said, “Not a Food Product.” Really? Is there a land where people eat garden gnomes?

[Kimballkid]

@freckafree

I once saw a charcoal grill in a store with the warning “Watch children and pets while burning.”

But they put off such a nice glow.

[GIGObuster]

@campp

I don’t have a specific example, but I always love listening to side effects of advertised drugs. “May include death…” :eek:

When I see that I think that they just shorten it to:

“YOU MAY DIE!”*

• “So there!”

[Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew]

@Cat_Whisperer

Found on plastic bags everywhere - “This bag is not a toy.” That’s just sad, really - it always makes me imagine households where a plastic bag is considered a toy.

“Sufffff-ocation, the game we like to play!”

[Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew]

@Ambivalid

Not really in the spirit of the OP but I always got a kick out of the neighborhood street signs that said: “Slow children at play”. There was no division between “slow” and “children”, so it read as though it was saying there were a bunch of mentally challenged children out and about in the 'hood.

There’s an Ogden Nash poem where he reflects on the signs that read:

CROSS
CHILDREN
WALK

…and determines that

CHEERFUL
CHILDREN
RIDE

[Cat_Whisperer]

I just saw one that I’ve been seeing more of lately - “Lashes enhanced in post-production” in commercials for mascara. So, what you’re saying is that the commercials are big fat lies. Got it.