For example, my immense fuck up of the title of the OP which should read Pyromaniac With ISSUES Gal, leads me to believe that the best course of action is to slowly melt my computer under a steady flame, such as would be found in a broiler of a standard oven.
Nah, jarbaby, a standard oven wouldn’t be cool enough…I’m thinking toaster oven. Or, cover it in gasoline (outside, preferrably), then set it on fire in the street and dance around it naked, while chanting. You know, with sticks.
No question, but as a fellow pyromaniac, here’s something interesting you can do with a matchbook. Cut that little quick strike strip of the back and peel it from the paper. Try to get as much “strike strip” and as little paper as possible.
Put it on top of a mason jar ((the kind with the concave bottoms)) and light it on fire. Most of it will burn off, but what you’ll be left with is a very fine green powder. This is green phospherous. Put the green powder between your thumb and index finger and rub them together… you’ll get a very cool smoke effect from the friction.
It amazes the crap out of little kids.
Also, another fun thing to do with matches… from the Anarchists Cookbook I believe… cut off a few hundred “easy strike” or “kitchen” match heads and get a tennis ball… cut a small slit in the tennis ball so that you can press it open but it still kinda seals. “CAREFULLY” place all the match heads inside the tennis ball ((it should be full)) and put a little super glue on the slit. Throw the tennis ball against a concrete wall and run like hell. The subsequent explosion is amazing to say the least.
Ask me and I’ll tell you something even cooler you can do with sparklers.
My step-mother is an evil psycho hose beast. She does everything she can to keep me away from my father and has even said she will make sure I never finds out if he dies so that I cannot attend the funeral. What is the best method for lighting her on fire?
tevya, I’m glad you came to me, because this situation calls for what I like to call, the ULTRA Hot Foot. Tie her to a chair first, in barefeet. The take red hot metal shishkabob skewers and put them under each toenail while simultaneously forcing her to watch Ghost Dad on a continuous loop.
Let’s remember kids. Pyromania doesn’t have to equal murder…it can just be torture to get the point across.
Color me confused, but here you are talking about what a fine firebug you are, yet over yonder, you claim:
I can’t help but feel disoriented, befuddled, and somewhat woozy.
Do you long to start fires so that beefy, burly, sweaty men in uniform can “quench your flame”, or is your motivation truly pyromaniacal? And what of this bath tub? You can’t get a good blaze going when you’re all wet.
I love firemen, because I love to see them all sooty, with their skin glowing in the orange aura of a raging warehouse fire that I set with a molotov cocktail. ha…just kidding.
And when I’m in the bathtub I usually have a minimum of 12 candles burning…lighting them is one of my favorite times of day. And while I’m in the tub I can play with the hot wax without fear of getting the floor all messy.
But like I said, the hubby’s now keeping a short rein on my fire play.
I am writing to thank you for your advice. I can’t go in to details as my lawyer thinks we have a shot at an appeal. Suffice it to say, I will think of shish-ke-babs fondly for the rest of my life.
Now on to my next question. If one were to , hypothetically, want to start a large, possibly distracting, fire using nothing but a small iron bunk, bedding, tp and a plastic spork, how would one go about it?
don’t wear socks. Walk on hot asphalt or sand barefoot and look at how bright pink and blistery your feet get. If you must wear shoes, wear thick, black fireboots, covered in soot.
I once built a bonfire in Red Bay Ontario that was five feet high. I sat and watched that mother f-er burn until three in the morning. I poked it with a big, long branch off a tree and burned pinecones and old cookie boxes in the coals. You should have seen it.
I don’t know about traveling musicians though.
No no…that’s just a mouse.
Burning paper is fun, but it’s so fast it’s like having sex with a fifteen year old guy. Plastic takes longer and produces black smoke and green flame. The downside of this Hulklike activity is that it causes cancer. So unless you have a lot lot lot of paper, I’d go with a nice cardboard milk jug. Watch the logo melt!
I burned a deep purple satin Victoria’s Secret bustier and garter belt in my parents fireplace and threw a shot of cooking sherry on it just to see what would happen.
Earlier this year, I was sitting on a park bench, minding my own business, when an Elf on Summer Vacation showed up out of nowhere and set my asshammer on fire. She looked a lot like you. Do you know anything about this?