Ask A Short Fused Pyromaniac With Issues Gal!

jarhubby has taken away my li’l blowtorch. He has also taken away my cigarette lighter, my books of matches and my butane lighter.

You see. I love fire. But the other day I nearly set myself on fire during the Bears game. And, in lighting the jack o lantern, Marge the pup just narrowly escaped singing.

Sometimes I like to just sit and light matches and put them out on my tongue. Sometimes I like to burn paper, or drip hot wax onto my palms and see if it will light on fire.

Sometimes I just light matches to watch them burn.

So, if you have any relationship or work problems, if you’re confused about the events of Sept 11th or can’t finish your schoolwork, ask me. I’ll be glad to help you out.

Fire away. (get it?)


For example, my immense fuck up of the title of the OP which should read Pyromaniac With ISSUES Gal, leads me to believe that the best course of action is to slowly melt my computer under a steady flame, such as would be found in a broiler of a standard oven.

Nah, jarbaby, a standard oven wouldn’t be cool enough…I’m thinking toaster oven. Or, cover it in gasoline (outside, preferrably), then set it on fire in the street and dance around it naked, while chanting. You know, with sticks.

I don’t really have anything to add, I just wanted to let you know that as soon as there is any dancing with sticks, flaming computers, or naked jarbabys, I’m there :slight_smile:

No question, but as a fellow pyromaniac, here’s something interesting you can do with a matchbook. Cut that little quick strike strip of the back and peel it from the paper. Try to get as much “strike strip” and as little paper as possible.

Put it on top of a mason jar ((the kind with the concave bottoms)) and light it on fire. Most of it will burn off, but what you’ll be left with is a very fine green powder. This is green phospherous. Put the green powder between your thumb and index finger and rub them together… you’ll get a very cool smoke effect from the friction.

It amazes the crap out of little kids.

Also, another fun thing to do with matches… from the Anarchists Cookbook I believe… cut off a few hundred “easy strike” or “kitchen” match heads and get a tennis ball… cut a small slit in the tennis ball so that you can press it open but it still kinda seals. “CAREFULLY” place all the match heads inside the tennis ball ((it should be full)) and put a little super glue on the slit. Throw the tennis ball against a concrete wall and run like hell. The subsequent explosion is amazing to say the least.

Ask me and I’ll tell you something even cooler you can do with sparklers.

Dear Pyromaniac With Issues Gal,

My step-mother is an evil psycho hose beast. She does everything she can to keep me away from my father and has even said she will make sure I never finds out if he dies so that I cannot attend the funeral. What is the best method for lighting her on fire?

Yours patiently,

Suffering Step-daughter

Once I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Is that a similar phenomenon?

Heh. Recreate Dave Barry’s famous Pop-Tart experiment (leaving a Pop-Tart in the toaster for 5 minutes: three-foot flames spewing from the toaster. Heh.

Of course he did this in the driveway under optimum conditions (namely, his wife wasn’t home at the time).

Flaming Pop-tart experiment (hard to read, but informative).
Flaming Strawberry Pop-Tart (with photos).
Dave’s article.
and a Flaming Roller-blading Barbie.

tevya, I’m glad you came to me, because this situation calls for what I like to call, the ULTRA Hot Foot. Tie her to a chair first, in barefeet. The take red hot metal shishkabob skewers and put them under each toenail while simultaneously forcing her to watch Ghost Dad on a continuous loop.

Let’s remember kids. Pyromania doesn’t have to equal murder…it can just be torture to get the point across.

burning to help,


Dear PWIG,

Color me confused, but here you are talking about what a fine firebug you are, yet over yonder, you claim:

I can’t help but feel disoriented, befuddled, and somewhat woozy.

Do you long to start fires so that beefy, burly, sweaty men in uniform can “quench your flame”, or is your motivation truly pyromaniacal? And what of this bath tub? You can’t get a good blaze going when you’re all wet.

I love firemen, because I love to see them all sooty, with their skin glowing in the orange aura of a raging warehouse fire that I set with a molotov cocktail. ha…just kidding.

And when I’m in the bathtub I usually have a minimum of 12 candles burning…lighting them is one of my favorite times of day. And while I’m in the tub I can play with the hot wax without fear of getting the floor all messy.

But like I said, the hubby’s now keeping a short rein on my fire play.


Dear Short Fused Pyromaniac With Issues Gal,

You have answers, I have questions. Let’s put 'em in a jar and see if they mambo.

  1. The brown socks or the blue ones with this outfit?

  2. I’m thinking of going to Canada. Can I get good minestrone there?

  3. Does this look like a mole to you?

  4. Paper or plastic?

  5. If Bolivia was elevated could the echidna dance?

Thanks, you’re a peach.

[LeprechaunonRalph’sshoulder] You knopw what to do now, lassie! Burn the house down! Burn it all to hell![/LORS]

Ever light your farts?

Dear PWIG,

I am writing to thank you for your advice. I can’t go in to details as my lawyer thinks we have a shot at an appeal. Suffice it to say, I will think of shish-ke-babs fondly for the rest of my life.

Now on to my next question. If one were to , hypothetically, want to start a large, possibly distracting, fire using nothing but a small iron bunk, bedding, tp and a plastic spork, how would one go about it?

Yours penitantly,
Prisoner 87945

don’t wear socks. Walk on hot asphalt or sand barefoot and look at how bright pink and blistery your feet get. If you must wear shoes, wear thick, black fireboots, covered in soot.

I once built a bonfire in Red Bay Ontario that was five feet high. I sat and watched that mother f-er burn until three in the morning. I poked it with a big, long branch off a tree and burned pinecones and old cookie boxes in the coals. You should have seen it.

I don’t know about traveling musicians though.

No no…that’s just a mouse.

Burning paper is fun, but it’s so fast it’s like having sex with a fifteen year old guy. Plastic takes longer and produces black smoke and green flame. The downside of this Hulklike activity is that it causes cancer. So unless you have a lot lot lot of paper, I’d go with a nice cardboard milk jug. Watch the logo melt!

I burned a deep purple satin Victoria’s Secret bustier and garter belt in my parents fireplace and threw a shot of cooking sherry on it just to see what would happen.

Does that answer your question?


Wow, neato-jet. What can you do with sparklers?

This is your archetypal win-win situation: play with fire, then play with firemen. It’s all good.

I’ve done a few neat things with sparklers. 6 at a time dropped in a 9 oz. beer bottle will produce really neat jet flames. 40 in a sparkler box will saunter down the street.

jarbabyj, the trunk of my car needs a good cleaning, but I don’t have anything to do with the millions of miscellania inside. What do I do?

Lately, my crotch has been kinda sweaty. I’m showering daily, and soaping and lathering and such. What’s the deal?

There’s a lady at work who I’m attracted to. However, she’s 20 years my senior. Gross, disturbing, or just clean fun?

Dear Pyromaniac with Issues Gal,

Earlier this year, I was sitting on a park bench, minding my own business, when an Elf on Summer Vacation showed up out of nowhere and set my asshammer on fire. She looked a lot like you. Do you know anything about this?

Afraid of the Park, Pennsylvania