Me think Elvira needs one of these . 
In the meantime, can you please tell your evil, jumping brothers to stop springing from random walls in my house? I’d really appreciate it. And, quite frankly, it will save their lives 
me very depressed at the specieist remarks from some dopers, me not answer the vehement (is that right word?) arachnophobes, me do like good questions that generally relevant
favorite food; crickets
me want to be fed sushi, MacTech always rave about it, it sound yummy
biggest thing eaten? either a field grasshopper MacTech caught for me, or freshly-dead Zebra Danio fish from MacTech’s tank, he say it died minutes ago, and he want to recycle it rather than flush it…
me want to eat Madagascar Hissing Cockroach, big, yummy bug
Aw, nuts. I was just about to start an “Ask the tarantula wrangler” thread.
Maybe someday.
So technically you have had sushi, or more accurately, sashimi.
So, what is a tarantula thinking about when it isn’t thinking about crickets?
Wouldn’t that be dangerous? Isn’t there a chance the roach would eat you?
Anyhoo
What’s the deal with all the eyes? Some spiders have four, some have five, some have six, and some have eight. You all seem to have agreed on the eight legs thing. Why can’t you agree on eyes?
What’s the deal with the genitals? All us mammals have our sex organs in the same spot. But, some spiders have them inside a leg joint, insider their mouths, and other places.
Sounds like you might like a nice juicy cave cricket.
I get them in my basement every spring.
Nope. Madagascar hissing roaches are herbivorous. I’ve fed them to my tarantulas on many an occasion.
<Universal ArachniTranslator online>
hmm, much better, now i can talk more normally. the broken english was starting to wear on my nerves…
all spiders have eight eyes, some of them may be tiny (mine are) and can be distributed in many locations on the carapace. my eyes are eight tiny photoreceptors on the top of my “head”, jumping spiders, as i have said before, have four well developed eyes facing forwards, and four smaller eyes around the upper edge of the carapace, and i hate the way they lord it over us, smug bastards
just because you don’t see all eight eyes doesn’t mean they’re not there, if i didn’t tell you where mine were, you probably’d never find them
as far as the genitals go, it varies depending on how spiders mate, and the size difference between them, black widow females are larger than the male and have a tendency to eat the male after mating (hey, a girl gets hungry after the “deed”, ya know), so the male needs to do a quick in-n-out (to coin a phrase) to escape with all eight legs intact, we tarantulas tend to do more “face to face” mating, and the male is equipped with special “hooks” on his front legs (Tibial Spurs, sounds kinky, no?)to hold my fangs out of the way while he has his way with me, i get really hungry after the fact…
What does your home look like? Is there anything you’d like MacTech to improve in regards to your home?
And what sort of tarantula are you, exactly?
I am a Chilean Rosehair tarantula, i live in a 10 gallon aquarium with a bunch of hidey holes, a 10 gallon tank may not sound big enough, but it’s actually too big for me, we female tarantulas don’t really go out much, i’m happiest lounging in my tree bark cave, waiting for yummy crickets, it’s a quiet life, nice, but quiet
i’m glad i’m not a male tarantula, though, those guys are always moving around, trying to find us females, and they only live about 5 years, i can live up to 20 years, HAH, GRRLS Rule!!
Did you root for Samwise or Shelob?
I once watched a little jumping spider leap UP a vertical wall in a high arc and land right on a fly. How’d he do that?
Miss Elvira-
Do you play with MacTech or any other humans? Do you consider him to be a predator, or have you learned that he will do you no harm? Do you like have your hair stroked?
If you had a boyfriend, how many babies would you have in one “litter?” (Nope, this isn’t GQ. I’m not going to google it)
I must say, you’re a pretty girl. But I would still have serious reservations about touching you. Do you think it’s silly for humans to fear spiders? I’ve always thought the fear of spiders is hard-wired into the human brain. (for most people)
AND- What do you feel like to humans when you’re walking on their skin?
Enquiring minds, and all that…
How about being scratched under the chin?
(Do you have a chin?)
A month or two ago, I was watering a dry patch in my back yard, near the side gate. Suddenly, a large, LARGE spider rushed out from his hidey-hole under the fence’s concrete footer and perched on the fencepost. Evidently, he didn’t like the water. This spider had a very bulbous abdomen, about the size of one of those jumbo Christmas lights, which was grey, and it had very long, thick, tapered grey legs. At a width of perhaps 5 solid inches, I’d have to say that this was the largest spider I’ve ever seen in the wild (bearing in mind that I have never seen a tarantula in the wild; I have seen a caged Goliath bird-eating tarantula, which to me is further proof that God hates us and wants us to have nightmares). I did not see a web, nor did I see it move as quickly as a typical wolf spider.
I have the following questions based upon this incident:
[ol]
[li]What the hell was this frightening arachnoid?[/li][li]How do spiders in general feel about water?[/li][li]What can I do to encourage nightmarish creatures such as this one to leave my backyard for greener pastures?[/li][/ol]
And finally,
What’s with the eight legs? Like, six isn’t enough? Hmph. I think that having more than six means you’re up to something. No good will come of it! I’m watchin’ you…
I would like to introduce you to my massive Goliath Birdeater tarantula.
Preferably when she’s hungry.