Me am Elvira, MacTech’s Tarantula, me sneaked out behind his back and make thread here to fight ignorance, me notice Dopers mean to spiders, me hope it because they not understand us, you have questions, me answer to best of abi, abil, as best me can, me area of expertise on new-world tarantula, but me try to answer general spider question
anyone have bugs? this web, where bugs go?
Yes, I have a question:
Is there any good reason not to give the hairspray-and-Bic-lighter treatment right this second, you creepy-ass octo-hellspawn?
Dear Tarantula:
Please ignore Hal, he loves sheep. He doesn’t just love them he…oh. right. MPSIMS.
My question is, you are so soft and cute and fuzzy and I like holding you. But why, when I hold you do you run as fast as your little legs take you and I have to keep putting one hand in front of the other over and over again so you don’t fall off?
Signed,
Tarantula-lover.
I have a question.
Can’t you friggin’ blink or something? I mean, I look at you, and you stare back at me with those soulless glittering little eyes , and I see no emotion whatsoever, just an evil, calculating, mindless hunger, and I know you’re trying to figure out how much silk you’d need to wrap up my head, and so I watch you to make sure you don’t leap on me, and you stare back, unblinking, unfathomable, and then when my eyes start to water and I have to blink, you choose the split second when my eyes are closed to shift position, and when I open my eyes and you’ve moved without me seeing it I scream and bludgeon you with a phone book.
Seriously. Just blink once in a while.
I think I’m in love. Too bad I’m not even remotely ovine.
Mika, me thank you for being nice to spiders, we be nice to you
the reason spiders run is we am basically blind and deaf (thank Og for braille screen, allow me to read your posts), we only sense world by touch, taste, and hairs on body, when you pick us up, we sense we on a soft, funny tasting surface that moving, we not know wat is, probably predator, we run and hide, we not smart as you humans, if it not food, must be predator, right?
Marlitharn, we not as complex animals as you humans, as me told 'Mika, we essentially blind and deaf, it not make sense to cut off one of primary senses, even for moment, what happen if bird come to eat us when we have eyelids closed
we not bite you unless you scare us into thinking you predator, you much bigger, stronger, smarter than us, we not have enough venom to eat you, besides, you not taste good, we have no reason to bite you unless you be mean to us (like Hal), leave us alone, we leave you alone, deal?
Cafe Society?
How the hell can you be blind with all those eyes?
Suits me. Now go tell it to the kamikaze spider that once crawled across my ceiling until he was directly over my bed and then deliberately flung himself down onto my face.
I understand you are good a hunting bugs, can you help me with the Windows XP problem I am having? 
As me said before, most spiders, exept lucky jumping spiders, eyes are simple photoreceptors, me can only see light and dark, like when shadow of bird fly over me
jumping spiders (like one in photo Marlitharn posted) am lucky, they see good, and am so smart, s-m-r-t, me mean s-m-a-r-t, jumpers know what them looking at, and can see an entire foot in front them, big round eyes primary eyes, little eyes there for wide-angle view to keep look out for predators, they am able to hunt bugs by sight alone, me have to rely on vibration and touch alone, me very jealous, jumping spiders am lucky bastards, very smug about their good 20/20/20/20/20/20 vision, me hate them, smug bastards
Cool… base jumping spiders…
yes, MacTech tell me how to fix windows problems, he say it easy…
step one; throw away windows box
step two; get some computer thing called “Macintosh”, me not know why computer named after fruit, it should be named after spiders, we much cooler, me think owner of Apple on drugs or something…
step three, ship big box of spiders to some human named bill gates, he have us bite mean man who make windows and force it on defenseless humans, gates sound like predator, he sound mean and evil, me have no problem biting HIM, me imagine he try to kill me
Okay. Actually I may go with Linux but it looks like I can get the spiders from
Scott’s Tarantulas
Beginners Place For Tarantulas
Nationwide shipping w/Live Arrival
www.scottstarantulas.com
Uh…I like how it says “live arrival”. Where do I go to get a bunch of dead ones in my mailbox?
Never before have I run the risk of running afoul of the “No wishing death on other posters” rule.
What is your favorite food?
What does your owner feed you?
What do you wish your owner would feed you?
What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever eaten?
What’s the biggest thing you’d like to eat?
Do you spiders prefer it when I kill you quickly, by smashing you with something, or when I kill you s-l-o-w-l-y, by spraying you with bug spray over and over and over and over while I watch you twitch violently on the kitchen floor?
And is sucking you up the vacuum cleaner a quick death or a slow one? I’m never sure.
Know what? I think I have a small lizzard hiding under my shoe.
Yes, just there.
I don’t think he knows you’re there, he’d probably taste really good…yes, that’s right. Oh don’t worry, I won’t warn him that you’re coming, but you’d better just dash right on under there after him soe he doesn’t get away…
Oh, and I just want to be clear on this: I don’t want to be cruel. I prefer to make it a merciful death. If you’d just stay the hell out of my house, your kind wouldn’t even have to die at my hand. But since I’ve been traumatized by spiders since toddlerhood, and since my spouse and others like to insist that spiders are invading the bed every night, biting them (and possibly me) all over the body and causing nasty red marks (even though I know intellectually that they are wrong), I really can’t envision an alternative. Sorry.
No hard feelings?
