Ask the adoptee(s)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
81

I don’t think I remember, but I have hazy notion he may have been 2 or 3. IIRC he was in at least 3 different foster homes, and he and his sister were in the same foster home to start with, though not in his last one. This was 37 years ago and these details were not really discussed with me, though I may have overheard them or had them mentioned to me once.

More about the adoption process. I remember when I was 7 or 8 talking about wanting a brother, largely based on spending time with my cousins who were a family of a brother and two sisters. Of course, I had no real concept of what having a brother was like, and in my cousins’ family the siblings were quite close in age and the older siblings knew and adapted to their younger siblings from their infancy. I was a rather solitary child who did not spend a great deal of time with other children. When I was 10, several months before my brother came, my parents talked to me about the idea of adopting and told me how it was harder for older children to find homes. I agreed. I don’t remember clearly how I felt at this point, but I think I was fairly enthusiastic, in part because I sensed this is what was expected of me.

A few months later, a woman from the agency came to our house with pictures and descriptions of two 5 year old boys. I expressed a preference for the one who later became my brother, but on what basis I don’t recall. I don’t remember anything about the passed over candidate other than he was brunette and my brother is blond.

Sometime during the next couple of months, my parents may have met my brother-to-be. I met him for the first time just after my 11th birthday when my parents and I met him at a state park near where he was living. We spent the afternoon together and I declared that I thought he would make a great brother. I have no recollection on what basis I made this statement. Perhaps I was somewhat caught up in the moment. A month or so later, he came to live with us on what at first was some kind of trial basis. The formal adoption was concluded about 6 months later, IIRC.

We led rather separate lives for living in the same house. To begin with, he was 5 years and 6 grades behind me. I was in the gifted program and not athletically inclined at all; he struggled with academics and a learning disability, was very social, and lettered in three different sports in high school. And by the time he was in junior high, I was living 2000 miles away. As adults, we like each other well enough, but we have no more in common than we did as kids.

82

Yes, thank you from me, too!

83

We don’t do really do anything connected with our German heritage either. My older grandfather used to speak German to us now and then, but only to tease us because he knew we didn’t understand it. (In fact, my mother was forbidden to learn German when she was in school during WWII. At the time, my grandpa had a retail business with many older German speaking customers with almost no English. Grandpa wouldn’t speak German with them, either. Was it shame or fear of being thought disloyal? I’ve never found out.)

With my brother, his ethnic identification seems to be part of a subconscious decision he made when he came to us to put his past behind him and fully embrace his new life. This fits with his forgetting his biological sister and never speaking of his early years. He knew all four of our grandparents quite well, along with all our aunts and uncles, all of whom accepted him immediately and unreservedly as part of our family. We’ve never spoken of him as being anything less. So why should he think he’s any different from the rest of us?

84

I suspect the reasons were far more personal, and paranoid: The Nisei had been put into camps because of their obvious differences. I don’t think that any German immigrants wanted to risk a similar fate.

My own grandfather emmigrated in 1933, and knew no English before he arrived. My grandmother mentioned that she regretted that my mother and uncle couldn’t be taught German while they were growing up, but because it was WWII, it was a bad idea. I never asked for more specifics than that.

ETA: I seem to recall, too, that the most prominent German immigrant organization: The German-American Bund was implicated in traitorous activity shortly before or after the war started, so again, there would be a drive away from identifying oneself as a German immigrant.

85

Not me, but my sister has lots of information (medical, educational and a few other random facts) from both sides of the family, along with a some mementos that they (the bio family) hoped would be given to her when she was old enough.

zagloba, Thanks for the very interesting story about your brother.

86

Another adoptee checking in:
**Is there a specific instance when your parents told you that you were adopted, or did you just always know? **
I found out when I was 6 or 7. My mom kept a datebook/journal in a drawer by the phone. Me, being the nosy snot I was, read through it. Saw that while I was born on May 25th, they noted on June 28th they signed papers for me and then on July 22nd they brought me home. I asked about it and she explained adoption to me.

**Anyone else in your family adopted? **
A cousin who is a few years older than me was adopted. Both my mom and my auntie had taken that birth control in the mid-late 60’s that caused so many problems (can’t remember the name). When the news about how bad the stuff was started coming out both my parents and my aunt/uncle decided rather than taking a chance they would adopt.

**Have you ever made contact with your birth parent(s), or tried to? **
Kinda sorta. When I was 27 I found out that I have an incurable inherited disease (polycystic kidney disease). I contacted the county and they stated that with a letter from the doctor they could at least open up the medical portion of my records. I debated - then decided I didn’t really care WHO was kind enough to pass on the PKD. I’ve registered with parent locator sites, but never followed through. My mom told me all about the circumstances surrounding my adoption and I’m pretty okay with it.

**Can I ask if you are the same race as your parents? **
Yes.

**For everyone- Did you ever go through a stage where you felt you were an outsider in your adoptive family? **
Yes I did. Our neighborhood was very closeknit. There were 6 kids all the same age on our block - I was the only adopted one. Much teasing ensued.
By the time I was 12 I was taller than my mom, dad, and sister. I didn’t look like them. My dad could never relate to me like he did my sister. My sister was a firm C student. I was advanced all through school. And throw in a grandpa who referred to me as the orphan? I still sometimes look at them all and wonder WTH? But with a smile.

One general question for the adoptees: Are you familiar with the anti-adoption lobby, and if so what is your view of their position?
I’ve heard of it. I will admit to having issues with adoption in that there are so many older kids that need families, but they remain in foster care because they’re not placeable. A friend of mine and her husband first fostered then adopted 3 siblings who were older (ages 7-12 at the time). A fourth was fostered, but they decided for the sanity of all concerned they could not adopt her. What they have gone through as a family has been nothing short of hell (if you only knew what those kids had gone through!), but they also feel it’s been the most rewarding thing they could have ever done.

For those who had mixed sibling(s), say both of adopted and biological, how did you work out issues? I’ve heard of fights like “You’re NOT really their kid!” and “Our folks love you best because they feel sorry for you!!” or myriad more that you I’m sure you get the picture. Secondly, if this sort of thing did come up, how did your parents handle it? And did you ever think any sorts of these negative type things held any truth?
My older sister used to say stuff like that and I would reply that since they effed up so much with her they decided to get MEEEEEE :smiley: The Perfect Child ™. We still joke about being glad to not be blood related.
The only person who would hurt me with words was my grandpa. I was a grandpa’s girl and when he would start in on how grateful I should be, orphan child I was, blah blah THAT would hurt.

**What advice would you give an adoptive parent? **
What others have said about being honest to the child(ren).

Some adoptive parents have told me that you shouldn’t share with people outside the family the fact that the child is adopted. Their reasoning is that this information is the child’s information, and if she wants to share it that is up to her; but you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Do you agree or disagree with this?
Disagree. It’s not shameful to be adopted and to treat it as such is sad.

87

As an adoptive parent (white, with a So. Korean adopted daughter), I am loving this thread.

Thanks, all.

88

My wife and I tried to have children but could not; we turned to adoption as what we felt was a kind of “last resort”. We have adopted (final as of 3 Aug 2007) two sibling girls who are now 10 and 11. They were 8 and 10 when we took them into foster care.

The “last resort” viewpoint has changed quite a bit. We actually found this out about ourselves at a 4H club training. We were role playing “breaking the ice” games and a question was asked of me, “What is special about your family?” At first, I was dumbfounded by my feelings so, I just took a deep breath and blurted out the truth:

“What is special about our family? Our children were not born into our family; we got married, looked around and saw that the kids weren’t there! So, we went looking for them. We looked everywhere. There was not a single day that we didn’t look for them. Finally, we found them. And now that we found them, we’re bringing them home.”

I guess you could say that all four of our voids were filled.

CedricR.

89

One general question for the adoptees: Are you familiar with the anti-adoption lobby, and if so what is your view of their position?

I’ve never heard of this organization before. I hope I never meet any of its members.

The very thought of my girls being better off by eventually being raped orally/vaginally/anally as were their two older sisters and beaten like a rug as were their two older brothers by their “natural parents” and being forced to act out sexual games *with each other * would make me more than capable of murder.

90

Another walk-on adoptee here. (I’ve really enjoyed reading the other replies, by the way - thank you!)

Is there a specific instance when your parents told you that you were adopted, or did you just always know?
My parents told me before I remember being told. I do remember bragging about it as a little kid, along the lines of “they wanted me SO MUCH” and “they picked me out” etc. I believed very strongly that anything that made you different was worth bragging about (which I think my parents took pains to have me believe, as they sure weren’t raised to think that themselves).

One thing I think my folks did extremely well was explain why my birth mom gave me up: They said she really loved me, but she knew she couldn’t be a good mommy because she couldn’t give me a good place to sleep or good food to eat, so she decided to let me live with people who could, even though she would be very sad and feel lonely. They made it sound like she gave me up for adoption because she loved me so much. It made perfect sense to me, and I never went through the feelings of rejection that I’ve heard some adoptees describe.

Anyone else in your family adopted?
My little sister (5 years younger) is also adopted – different bio parents. We were both adopted as infants.

**Have you ever made contact with your birth parent(s), or tried to? **
I haven’t done so, and I think I finally realized recently that I don’t really want to. This is about the most common question people ask me when they find out (because I tell them, because it’s relevant to the conversation somehow) I was adopted.

About fifteen years ago, I was lucky enough to be the stage manager for an original one-man autobiographical play about a guy finding his birth parents. His experience, more than anything, I guess, turned me off of the idea. He didn’t have any horror stories – more like dramatic underwhelm-ment. His birth parents turned out to be people he didn’t know, strangers, who had a few quirks in common with him, and similar looks. They didn’t share the same values, which bothered him.

**Can I ask if you are the same race as your parents? **
We’re all white, including my sister, with very minor physical differences. My parents are both quite tall, while my sister and I are both 5’ 6"; Mom and Dad have blue eyes, while my sister and I have brown. My sister and my mom both have nice cheekbones and strong chins, while my face is really round. (Neither of us look like my dad, which is probably fortunate, as he looks most like Raymond Burr in the face, with Alan Alda’s build.) Friends of my mother have mistaken me for her over the phone.

Did you ever go through a stage where you felt you were an outsider in your adoptive family?
Not me, but my sister sure did. I was a good kid with good grades, my parents are academics, and she was an athletic, social type. It was not an easy fit for her.

Are you familiar with the anti-adoption lobby, and if so what is your view of their position?
I’d heard of this sort of opinion but didn’t know anyone had bothered being as organized as that. I think it’s ridiculous and a bit sad.

…how did you work out issues? I’ve heard of fights like “You’re NOT really their kid!” and “Our folks love you best because they feel sorry for you!!” or myriad more that you I’m sure you get the picture. Secondly, if this sort of thing did come up, how did your parents handle it? And did you ever think any sorts of these negative type things held any truth?
My sister had a really rough teenagerhood – angry, got arrested, acted out, spent some time in a court-ordered foster home even – and back then she was not above playing the ultimate card: “You just won’t let me [whatever] because YOU’RE NOT MY REAL PARENTS and YOU DON’T REALLY LOVE ME!!” It made me want to punch her, because it was cruel and obviously a red herring. I think it hurt my parents, but then, a lot of things my sister did in that stage of her life hurt them. She grew out of it, though, and now even my sister sees a lot of my parents in herself. “Omigod! I’m JUST LIKE MOM!”

Kids who want to be nasty will use whatever material is at hand. I don’t see any sense in making important decisions based on the potential for a kid to reference it in an insult.

Some adoptive parents have told me that you shouldn’t share with people outside the family the fact that the child is adopted. Their reasoning is that this information is the child’s information, and if she wants to share it that is up to her; but you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Do you agree or disagree with this?
I disagree. I agree with other posters who’ve said the fact of being adopted is fair to share when it comes up, but the details are the kid’s prerogative. But I also never experienced any stigma attached to being adopted; if there is such a stigma where you live, it might make sense to let the kid decide later.

91

Adoptive Parent here again. What an utterly horrible and destructive idea- to shush up the fact that a child is adopted. It builds distance and creates deception about a most beautiful thing- the fact that you have a baby in your life now. Truth Win Out.

92

I have to wonder if the people who gave this advice weren’t trying to “shush it up” (which would be terrible) and creating fictional accounts of the adoptive mom going into labor, so much as let people know that it doesn’t have to be worked into every conversation. As another poster said, not everyone in the supermarket needs to know.

Early on, some of my extended family members would say "this is my adopted [whatever her relationship was] about my sister. Ex: “this is my nephew, and that’s my adopted niece.” Sure, she *is * their adopted relative, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but there was concern about people putting her on a different level, seperate from the rest of the family.

Last year, my sister’s class had to choose a short piece to read to everyone, and she decided to use something written by her biological parents and to share the story behind it with her classmates, so I’d say she’s comfortable letting people know about her adoption. :cool:

93

I was recently on another board where the discussion of how to celebrate an adoption came up. People were recommending t-shirts that said things like “became a family” and the date. This was the adoption of an older child out of foster care. And it was one of those cases where there were unadopted siblings still in foster care and a long road for the kid in becoming a family.

Now, its one thing to say, as I do “my kid is Korean, its pretty obvious he is very likely adopted so keeping it a secret seems odd” (and someone has assumed my first husband must have been Asian, so it isn’t a given people will figure out the adoption thing). It seems like quite a different thing to make how your family was created a publicize it.

I don’t wear a t-shirt around saying "adopted SON on date X-XX-XXXX, DAUGHTER via vaginal birth with vacuum extraction and an epidural on X-XX-XXXX.

While there shouldn’t be and usually isn’t a stigma associated with adoption, there can be. And there is a wealth of hurtful and STUPID questions someone can ask your kid if provided with the information and the perceived impression that it is their business. “Why didn’t your real mom want you?” is the tip of the iceberg of questions I don’t want strangers asking my kid (anyone asking my kid). And I certainly don’t want to contribute to someone believing its an appropriate subject to talk to my kid about.

My son wants to be private and he doesn’t want adoption or race to be broached subjects - we talk about it privately a little, but he doesn’t ask questions, and doesn’t want strangers to know details. I think if he discovered at nine that every adult we know knew details about his birthmother (they don’t), he’d feel betrayed.

94

I don’t - I have a 3"x5" filing card about me, proffered by the adoption agency. It notes that my birth name was Deborah, gives my biomom’s age/physical stats/ethnic heritage on one side, my biodad’s on the other. It stated my biomom is Scot/English/French/Norweigan and that my biodad is noted only as German.
My mom is half Polish/half Czech, my dad was pure German.

Growing up in a family full of consonant salad Poles and very strict Czechs (we never spent much time with Dad’s side of the family), I wanted separation from them, so I went with the whole different heritage thing. Now I’m told I not only sound like my mom, but I look like her. Heh.

Oddly enough, it was that little card that really opened up the dialogue between my mom and I (my dad ignored it - he once stated that “I’m your Dad. Period. End of story” and that was that). I figured my biodad was a one night stand due to little info. Nope - got their whole story. It’s enough for me.

95

Dangerosa, I think you’re right about there being such a thing as too much information when it comes to telling all & sundry about an adoption in the family. I really do think it’s the kind of thing to mention when it’s a relevant point, and otherwise to just treat it as what it is…an event that happened, and is generally not something that is an ongoing “state of being,” so to speak. You never want a child to go around thinking that being adopted is what defines him or her. I also think that while some non-family members will be aware of the adoption, you certainly don’t need to give them every little detail. If people ask questions about the birth parents or whatever, I think it’s perfectly ok and probably preferable to just say you don’t know anything, and leave it at that.

I can certainly see why one would want to have a celebration for an adoption, especially in the case of an older child being adopted, but I don’t agree with the idea of having a special day every year to commemorate it, as some families do, as though it were a second birthday. To me, being adopted is more like a religious ceremony like baptism or a bar mitzvah, or a graduation…you celebrate it when it occurs, but that’s it…once it’s done, it’s done. These rituals of life define what you have become…not what you were before, you know? That is, when I was baptized, I became a member of the Church, and when I was adopted, I became a member of my family. It’s the living as the member of the Church or the family that’s important, not the little ceremony that preceded it.

96

Yeah, but as a white guy married to a white girl this dynamic wasn’t an option and so the day to day issues and questions and information was unavoidable. You see two Asian babies with white parents, you can think several things but Adoption would likely top the list.

When it is obvious, then the decision is no decision at all.

97

I’m not saying that it is an option for every family, but the original advice not to share the circumstances at how your family came to be with everyone under the sun (unless it comes up during the natural course of conversation) wasn’t just aimed at families who have members of different races. My point wasn’t that you’d made the wrong decision. It was that other people (who have more options available), might make a different decision, and it might not be due to being ashamed that one of the family members was adopted.

98

I was thinking about my post in the car this morning - I think there is a difference between secret and personal. You don’t share personal information with strangers - its a boundaries thing. And that you were adopted (or have adopted children) is a personal piece of information. (Of course, a forum like this changes those societal rules). Plus, its a personal issue that involves more than one party - a parent sharing information about adoption is a violation of the child’s privacy. But likewise, I’m not sure how thrilled I’d be if my son were to decide the details regarding his information were not private and telling everyone he met what our fertility issues were, how we decided to adopt, how much it cost, and what flags went up during our homestudy - any more than he’d appreciate me telling people what little I know about his birthmother or his foster mother.

As to anniversaries - we are in an odd spot with one of each. Celebrating my son’s adoption does two negative things - it isn’t fair to my daughter that he gets “two birthdays” and it serves to differentiate him from “normal” family members - no one else has a “gotcha day.” With a mixed set, we decided rather early that we’d not treat our children differently because of the manner in which they arrived - unless we HAD to. And sometimes (medical issues, sometimes school issues) we may have to.

99

I get exactly what you are saying, but I just see it a little differently. I guess my feeling about this is that fact of the adoption is one thing, the details of how it happened are another. Really, it’s no different from having a baby the “regular” way. Everyone knows I just had a baby…it’s not like you can hide the fact. But, as you said before, the details of it are private/personal…no one needs to know anything about the actualy birth, you know? I don’t necessarily go around telling everyone how long I was in labor, how many pushes, whether or not I had an epidural, etc. etc.

Well, sure, we all have differences that mean that some things are handled differently for one kid than others, but you are right…adoption shouldn’t make someone “more special,” I don’t think, any more than it should make someone “less special,” especially if there are other kids in the family. Everyone should be celebrated in the same way.

100

I think we actually see it the same way. You don’t introduce you baby as “my biological child” - we don’t announce our son as “our adopted son” - we don’t make it a secret - it just isn’t usually PERTINENT and it is PRIVATE - particularly when the kid is standing right there. As your baby gets older and you know people who didn’t know you were pregnant you won’t feel the need to clarify your child’s biological relationship to yourself. And I don’t see any reason why adoptive parents would want to introduce their kids as “my adopted kid.” Don’t hide it, but don’t blurt it out - or even share it at every opportunity.