It’s not my burden in the long term but it sure is my emotional burden right now, less than 24 hours after telling my mother that I will never set foot in her house again because I simply cannot. That part will fade somewhat with time, though. Perhaps you (and others) have finally made an awkward sort of peace with your parent’s situation, but I am still only at the beginning of that process. I was recently in denial about the seriousness of her situation, myself. So telling me not to try anymore because she’s an adult who has chosen to live this way is still a little ahead of me – but I’m getting there.
Misnomer, you are starting to see your mom clearly. Of course this will take time…you don’t want to admit your mother is sick. Do the best you can, but ultimately, you are not responsible for making her change. So there’s no reason to feel guilty if you fail.
In my on campus class last summer (06) for library school, we had to destroy a book. It was passed around the class (actually there were several; it was a large class) and we had to rip out pages and break the binding etc. Just to break that mystique of “it’s a book” that is out there. I found it very hard to do. And I hope I never get to the point (like some people who make cookies for a living or similar) that a book/cookie is just a product or widget and lose their love of them. I don’t think I will, but the exercise did make me see that it’s not a crime to throw away a book. I like the idea of freecycle, but it doesn’t always work out.
I have packed Xmas away, all of the beds have clean sheets on them; my desk is clean and tidy. It’s a start.
Of course, but that does need to be your goal (not fixing your mom or her life). If the advice is too soon, please put it away and take it out again when you’re better able to hear it.
Misnomer, can you concentrate on your own wellbeing for now, so you can be ready when your mother is?
My kid’s away and I miss her very much. New sheets and net curtains for her and updated cutlery for me. The house is clean, the lawn’s been mowed and I have nice things - and the hangover’s over.
All good.
Well, if you want to come on over, you can get as many as your car will fit. I’ll even throw in a nice cup of coffee. But, trust me, nobody is going to read these books.
Just in to report that I spent a few hours yesterday clearing my closet and the bookshelves. I live a pretty non-cluttered life, but still managed to fill two bags of clothes, a bag of shoes and purses, and two boxes of books. And I haven’t hit the guest (storage) bedroom yet.
Dopers everywhere are cleaning and purging! It’s a Festivus miracle! 
A little bit of crossover into this week’s MMP…
My wife at one time descended into a level 2 clutterer, and we nearly divorced over it. She’s now about a level 1, and the cleaning lady coming every other week forces her to keep it somewhat in check.
I, too, did some reorganizing this weekend. 
When I took down the Christmas decorations, I got rid of a lot and repacked what was left. I also discovered that a lot of the boxes in our attic were boxes of…boxes. I used to bring home a lot of empty boxes from work. They just seemed too useful to throw out! I’ve broken the habit, but I didn’t realize I still had this treasure trove. Now they’re gone.
The trunk of my car is crammed with stuff for Goodwill right now.
I have two bags in my trunk to go to Goodwill as well! They have such handy drop-off points, it’s awesome.
Heh - my trunk is full of stuff for the Salvation Army, too. First thing this weekend - trekking on down there (there is no such thing as a handy drop-off point any more here).
So many things I’ve read here have described people I know perfectly.
My dad can’t turn down bargains on anything. I joke with him about the need for 9 (I counted) broken electric heaters. But he just tells me that he’ll fix them up some day. He’s not much of a housekeeper either. When his couch became so dirty and stained from spills that no one would sit on it, he started stacking old newspapers and junk mail on it. After a while, he started piling laundry on top of that and had a vaguely couch shaped pile in his living room. He found out that someone was throwing out an old couch so he asked for it and brought it home. Did he clean off the old one and throw it away? Nope, he cleared the larger items out of the floor and put the new couch in front of the old one. He’s got a goat trail through his bedroom to the bed and to his bathroom.
Dad’s got smoking related breathing problems and mess certainly isn’t helping. Once when he was in the hospital, my brother and sister and I cleaned his living room for him. We tossed out an old broken stove that he’d gotten out of a portable camper. It had been sitting in the same spot for at least two years. Dad got home the next day, noticed it missing and brought it back in. He told me that we shouldn’t have thrown it out. He’s going to fix it. Over a year later and it’s still sitting where he put it when he brought it back in.
A friend of dad’s was the same way but much worse. When she died last year, her family allowed Dad into her house to take any personal items he wanted but it just meant more clutter for his house in the end. Dad’s house is pretty awful but hers shocked me. There were piles literally touching the ceiling and narrow paths through the rooms. I had to turn sideways to get through.
Dad’s second wife hoards too. (They’re divorced now.) If she hears of anything being thrown out by someone, she’ll take it home. She’s definitely not lazy and is always pulling all night cleanings per her son (my half brother) but she will not throw anything out and winds up moving the piles from one room to another.
I used to visit on weekends years ago when she and dad were still married and was witness to some of these. She’d fuss the whole time about how the mess was everyone else’s fault all while saving moth-eaten moldy curtains, decades old catalogs, and broken toys. I hate to think about my brother living in that but at least now that he’s 18, he can start looking at getting out of it.
Then there’s my wife’s best friend and her husband. They’ve never quite caught on to the idea that as adults we’re expected to pick up after ourselves. The stairs are piled up with junk mail on either side and some of their rooms are getting dangerously close to being reduced to trails. It’s especially eyebrow raising considering that he’s a professional firefighter. We visit them fairly often and I’ve quietly been noting a half empty jar of pickles that’s been sitting on their living room mantle (!) for the last five years or so.
They’re all good people and they know they have messy houses. I’ve assisted in clean ups for 3 out of the 4 houses but they just can’t get over their varying mental barriers and it doesn’t last. This topic’s got some great advice though, I may try again with Dad.
You know how some people have exceptionally thrifty genes that were extremely beneficial during the days of scare food supply but now means a susceptability to obesity? We didn’t evolve in a world with such a readily available food supply and many aren’t equipped to deal with it.
I wonder if hoarding is the similar. Possibly having a hoarding inclination could’ve been benefical in some way. We didn’t see so much hoarding behavior in the past because it was difficult to obtain so many things. Nowdays it’s too easy. Hmmm…
I’m. . .about to tackle a house like that myself. And it’s one I lived in. I moved out two and a half months ago. We’re getting divorced. We need to sell the house. And I know that he won’t do it. So. . .I’ve got four days scheduled while he’s away to just clear the crap OUT.
I know I’ll get through maybe half the house in that time. My room won’t be so bad. The bedroom will be, but I’m getting rid of all my clothes, so. . .I’ll deal. The kitchen will be hell. The family room will be hell, too, but not as bad as the kitchen. I don’t know when the last time he changed the litter box was. THAT is going to be fun, too.
But. . .I could’ve done more while I was there. I know I could’ve. But. . .with him being the way he was–when we moved there, he didn’t want to throw ANYTHING OUT–it would’ve meant being full time cleanup for two people, one average, one very messy.
It’s bad. I’d post a picture–I’ve taken one, and I’ve shown it to a couple of close friends, for documentation purposes–but I’m too embarassed to do it on a public forum.
I’m on my own now. My room…doesn’t get NEAR that bad. Where I lived before…never got that bad. In the quad I used to share, I was the neat one. But when you’re faced with someone who does that, it’s really, really HARD to fight. Because you feel like you’re taking care of someone. Except that the someone will never realize it. I gave up after a couple years. I couldn’t do it.
And now, I’m going to go in and take care of it all at once, and it’ll be worse than if I’d just done it all along.
My husband has admitted to possibly having some degree of OCD.
I also have a friend who’s home and business are at a severe stage 2. The only thing that stops it from being a stage 3 is the absence of fecal material, being that she hates any kind of pet or animal presence. This does not count rodents that she’d insist weren’t around. Until I dug up a box of old shoe leather that had been completely consumed.
Haven’t seen her since I moved from the west coast but I can imagine she’s at the point of “little goat paths” and serious depression.
I remember coming over to help her and her husband clean. It was surreal. They would spend hours sorting through a shoebox of scrap paper, ignoring the surrounding chaos, then break for lunch! after lunch, another hour with the shoebox, then call it a day. The next weekend they would tell everyone how they “cleaned like mad” and “purged the entire house”, weird disconnect.
Does anyone remember that episode of Friends where Ross is dating the very beautiful girl, played by Rebecca Romijn, who happens to be an absolute slob? At the very end of the episode, Monica shows up at her apartment with cleaning supplies and introduces herself as Ross’s sister and says he told her about the apartment and she couldn’t think sleeping about it, and could she just come in and… SLAM! Yeah, I related a lot to that. My anxiety levels went up just hearing about your friends’ pickle jar decorating scheme.
That’s a big issue with my friend. Always mentions how when something was thrown away, she wound up needing it a year later, and if she’d just held onto it she would not have had to re-buy it. I point out that if the item in question was worth $100, the cost of storing it was $1000. Hardly cost-effective. A good business person understands inventory control.
And by the way, I say all this as a former slob. These lessons were learned the hard way. Moving across the country, city to city many times carting around the same damn boxes. Once, I realized I hadnt opened one of the boxes since 2 states ago, when opened I realized it was full of worthless junk, I threw it away and was a changed man.
I don’t know about evolution, but my MIL grew up in England during World War II. Her family was rather poor (a pint of ice cream had to be split five ways) and I know that she has an overflowing pantry and freezer and fridge.
She’s not a hoarder, but I’ve noticed that she always has plenty of food. I bet that has something to do with her childhood.
checks location
Cool! I’ll be by Sunday afternoon. I’ll bring a casserole and a potted daisy. 