How old were they when you adopted them? (I can’t tell from your post whether you’re referring to infants or not. Is it legal to adopt out one’s children if they are not newborns?)
They were 3 and 6 at the start of process and turned 4 and 7 before the adoption was finalized. They had been temporarily placed in foster care. Their mother was barely able to take care of herself and just wasn’t feeding them enough, and her lawyer told her that her chance of getting them back was slim. Her sister (the girls’ aunt) told us what was going on and we learned that we could arrange a private adoption if we did it before the mother’s parental rights were terminated. The only legal hoop was that our lawyer had to publish notices that we were intending to adopt them and give the fathers 30 days to respond (one never responded, the other signed a consent form.)
I don’t know this for sure, but I suspect it would have gone smoother if we had done it before they were removed from their mother. Of course, it took that for her to realize she couldn’t take care of them.
Congrats on starting the process! My husband and I adopted a brother and sister (5 & 6) last year. It was a public adoption (i.e. they were crowd wards who had been removed from their biological parents care). It was theoretically free (we paid about 3000 dollars to streamline the process, probably shaved a couple of years off the wait).
What I wanted to warn you about is the wait. It will be an indeterminate period of time and (if you are like me) it will drive you insane because you will be so ready for the addition to your family. Try to live life as if it will never happen so that you can enjoy what you have now.
(Though you will at least have some time. The time between being interviewed to see if we were a good match and them moving in was less than two months. What a whirlwind!)
Are there any sort of guidelines about dealing with your child’s feelings about the adoption as they age?
I was born during the “baby scoop era” and fortunately landed into a very nice family. While I always knew I was adopted, I had a lot of angst about it. The randomness of it still kind of blows my mind. And I never really felt like I was in the right place. I think counseling would have been helpful as I was growing up. Or even more understanding from my parents that I did suffer a loss. Sometimes I felt like they didn’t want ME, because well, they just wanted a baby. Any baby. And there I was! They would call me the “best Christmas present ever” (I was adopted in December), and I enjoyed the story as a child. It was only later that it made me feel like a commodity.
So, what kind of counseling do adoptive parents receive now about the adoptee’s feelings as they grow up?
Heh. Tons.
You get a lot of information about being open with your child and about talking about the birth family in positive light while still being honest. It’s easier for us since our kids (though barely) remember their birth mom so they have some context (though false memories are a bitch sometimes). They understand why they were taken away and that we chose them (again, we are lucky since we did pick them).
The hardest part for them to understand is why the foster mom (who they were with for 2 1/2 years before they were legally made Crown Wards and then adopted by us) could not adopt them. She has two adopted children already. They really feel rejected.
It’s going to get a lot different as they start to understand the world more. I really hope to keep a relationship going with the foster mom (they still call her occasionally and we have had a few visits). They don’t seem interested in their bio mom at the moment but I can imagine that in a few years there will be more questions. I am just hoping by then I can get over the anger I feel towards her on my children’s behalf or at least I can hide it better.
Anyway, keeping it age appropriate and honest are the key things drilled into you.
Sure, it happens a lot. Usually Grandma and/or Grandpa adopt them, or an aunt or uncle. It isn’t in the best interests of the child to have a parent uninterested in parenting retain parental rights - and if an appropriate person can be identified by the birthparents, and pass a homestudy - its good.
Lots of times it a situation where the birthparent just really isn’t stable enough to provide a good home. If that can be recognized by the birthparent, the whole process can be very civil and non-adversarial.
Mostly just signing up with an agency and taking the classes, and then going to a couple seminars they had. They were quite valuable simply in setting out the issues that adoptive families have to deal with, and the ones they really don’t. Plus, just having it rolling around in your head as more than a mere notion makes you think about stuff more seriously.
One of the most important understandings I came to was that even if a possible adoptive parent’s opinions aren’t mine – or even if they’re straight up stupid – it doesn’t matter. They’re the ones that have those views, and they’re the ones who are going to have to live with them.
I have read some stuff, but the one piece about open adoption that really stood out and gave me a lot of insight into it (not that it mattered – we’d already decided to go the international route by then) was this piece, “DJ’s Homeless Mommy,” by Dan Savage, which I came across in an anthology of essays on adoption.
Longer than that – at least seven, I’d say, counting your paper chase, maybe more.
Reams of the stuff. One of the big things our agency pushed is relationships with other adoptive families. Then, as the kids began to understand how their origins were different than most of their classmates, they’d still see adoption as a normal, if not garden-variety, way to build a family (because they’re not the only adopted kid they know), and also they’d have peers to discuss it with who aren’t on the outside looking in.
That said, here’s the totally uninformed take you didn’t ask for by some asshole on a message board that’s going to solve all your problems: that “any baby” idea is as true for parents having biological kids just as much as those adopting. You don’t know anything about how your kid is going to turn out when your wife goes off the Pill. Hell, your parents presumably knew your gender at least.
–Cliffy
Congratulations, good luck, etc. Adopting is cool.
No kidding. But then,
That sounds like it has a lot of potential for complications too.
Hadn’t really thought about it that way… I think the main difference is how much of the rest of our family would potentially be affected if we adopted our niece. Any other birth mom is likely going to be interested in how our son or daughter is doing, and may *appreciate *a visit or a call or letter, but wouldn’t likely try and *demand *something like that. My sister-in-law probably would… or at least try to guilt-trip us into it. The route we’re taking to adoption has more clearly defined rules and expectations, in my opinion, even if we’re leaving some of that to chance.
Well, you are looking for adoption, she offered a surrogate mother: it’s not the same thing.
I hope the process goes well and that you get your second kid soon.
My sister offered up the surrogacy thing, too when we started down the path to adoption. I couldn’t put her through a pregnancy. It’s too demanding on a woman’s body and there would be emotional fallout.
It has worked out much better this way for everyone (and actually she got her new niece and nephew long before she would have if we had taken that route).
Were she to conceive a child, via intercourse w/ her boyfriend w/ the intent to give **Bomtek **the child it would be a planned adoption. Surrogacy NEVER involves sex. If she offered to be inseminated in a non-intercourse fashion w/ her boyfriend’s sperm donated for that purpose, it would be a surrogacy.
I’ll second that “some random asshole” advice…
My sister (all three of us are biological kids of my parents), is a third child. She wasn’t planned. But none of us were “planned” - I was born six months after my parents married. My sister two years later at a really bad point in my parents lives, and the baby was a surprise four years later.
My sister chose to internalize this - despite my parents loving her as much as any of us (the older two would tell you that the baby was spoiled ;)) - as that she wasn’t wanted.
A lot of times adoptive parents (and adoptive kids) look at issues and think “its an adoption problem.” I don’t think your “commodity” issue is really an adoption problem at all - had you been raised by your bio mother who wasn’t ready for you, you’d have a similar issue, just from a different angle.
With the semi-insane sister-in-law taken care of, we took a major, major step last night when we completed our homestudy. The lady showed up around 1630 and left a little before 2100. She spent about 2 hours talking to both Sunny and me at the same time and then about an hour each talking to us individually.
It was a much less stressful experience than I thought it would be… most of the questions she asked us were for factual information about ourselves, and it only got difficult to provide answers when she asked vague questions like “Describe your marriage…” or stuff like “What’s your marriage’s/Sunny’s greatest weakness?” Well, I think Sunny’s basically perfect, and I consider our marriage particularly strong. Those were the two toughest questions I had, really. She had her laptop out the whole time, of course, typing away, but it was pretty informal. We started the interview over sandwiches and potato chips, and finished everything up a few hours later still sitting there at our kitchen table.
Squirt seemed to like her, and I think he was a good selling point for us. He was flirting with her like he does with most women, and he was in a good mood so he was happy and laughing a lot after dinner while he was chasing the dog around the house. Before she left she looked into all the rooms in the house very briefly, just to, she said, “make sure you’re not selling drugs out of your home.” When she left, she told us she’d have no problem recommending us for adoption. We didn’t really have much doubt about that, but it was nice to hear it from the lady whose opinion really matters.
This weekend, we managed to sell Sunny’s Kia Rio (tiny little car) and buy a 2001 Nissan Quest (minivan). It’s weird how excited I am that our family owns a minivan now… but we got a good deal on it, and Sunny is already in love with it, so that makes me happy.
This thread kinda fizzled before, so I’m not sure how much interest there is left, but I wanted to let everyone know that my wife and I were matched with a birth mom about two weeks ago! Basic details: Spud is a boy (which is how Sunny and I always pictured it, whenever we imagined a life with Spud in the picture), due 23 December to a family in Pennsylvania.
Longer version: I was helping move some new office furniture in at work when I got a call from a number in Kansas… I remember thinking that I didn’t know anyone in Kansas that would be calling me. When I answered, Sunny was already on the other line, so they were able to give us the news together. The match budget for Spud was a little over what we had put down, so technically we had to decide whether we wanted to proceed with the match at all, but it was within just $500 of the maximum we were willing to eventually go, so that part of it was a short discussion on mine and Sunny’s part.
Once we called them back to formally accept the match, we had to get them the money. This turned into a bit of a logistical problem: we had a little over 80% of it in our bank, ready to wire transfer, so that part was no problem, but most of the rest was in cash in our fire safe at the house. I had no idea it was that difficult to change cash into a cashier’s check without an account at a brick-and-mortar bank in the local area, but I must have walked into or called a dozen banks before I found one that would cut me a check in exchange for my cash. The last $1000 or so we had to borrow from my mom, which we didn’t really want to do, but it turned out to be necessary.
We felt really good about the situation right away. Our tummy mommy and the birth father aren’t married, but they have 2 kids together already, and Spud was an unexpected pregnancy. Both of the parents have had trouble finding work lately, just like a lot of people right now, and they simply didn’t think they would be willing to give this child the best life. So they decided on adoption, and when I say “they,” that’s exactly what I mean: the birth father is fully on board with this, which was an obvious potential concern because if the birth parents don’t have a good relationship and the mother chooses adoption, the birth father can contest it and slow the process down for adoptive parents. The main reasons they chose us were that we already had Squirt, because they feel like siblings are important, and they liked that we were willing to have an open relationship with them. The fact that adoption has affected Sunny’s family so closely was a factor that helped their decision as well.
About a week after we were matched, we had our first phone call with our tummy mommy and the birth father, supervised by the adoption agency and the social worker that’s working with the birth parents in Pennsylvania. Sunny and I both thought the call went really well, and Sunny and our tummy mommy ended up exchanging cell phone numbers so that we can text and call on our own. Since then, Sunny has been texting like crazy with her, and we’ve talked with her a few times. It’s interesting, because although we want to welcome them into our extended family, we don’t *really *know how well we’ll get along with them right now… we’re kind of being shoved into this relationship (not unwillingly, but still), but it’s gone exceptionally well so far. Our tummy mommy is the same age as we are and shares some of our likes and dislikes. We’re looking forward to developing the relationship, at any rate, which I think is the best we could have hoped for at this point.
Now, we’re faced with the logistical problems of getting from Texas to Pennsylvania within 24 hours of the mom going into labor. Naturally, that means flying, but that’s expensive so we’re looking at other options, namely that Sunny and Squirt will travel to Indiana to stay with my family at the beginning of next month. That way she will be within 10 hours of Spud when the time comes, and I’ll be able to stay here and work until the last possible moment, saving my adoption leave for when I really need it. Then I’ll fly by myself and meet them up there.
So far we’ve had to deal with a minimum amount of “Well, what if she changes her mind? Have you planned on that?” and the like, but we’re dealing with that crap as best we can. No, we haven’t planned on her backing out, because 1) we’ve talked with her ourselves, and just don’t think it’ll be an issue, and 2) we feel like that would be similar to getting pregnant and *planning *on miscarrying, which is ridiculous. If it happens, we’ll be devastated, of course, but we’ll get through it as a couple. How do you plan on your child being taken away from you?
Okay, I realize that’s quite an update, and I’ve tried to include as much of the vital info as I could think of. Any questions, feel free to fire away.
How exciting 
What does the match fee depend on? I would have thought it would have already been settled.
If it were to fall through, would you get any of it back?
Have you all discussed what kind of relationship the two families plan to have? Pictures/visits/whatever?
Thanks for the update! How exciting for you. Please keep us posted.
The main variables that determine the match fee are medical bills, birth mother expenses, and legal fees. I think medical bills and legal fees are pretty easy to understand, but the “birth mother expenses” that get rolled into the match fee depend on the state the birth mother is in.
If our tummy mommy changes her mind, we’ll get nearly all of our money back, which is a nice little bonus, I guess, but something we obviously hope we don’t have to worry about. Mostly, I think we’d be out our home study fees and some small portion of the legal fees that are a part of our match fee, plus any travel expenses if we’ve already made our way all the way up to Pennsylvania before she changes her mind. One of the nice things about adopting in Pennsylvania is that once the papers are signed, she can no longer change her mind at any point. Having talked with her, it seems like she’ll sign as soon as possible after the birth (she has up to 72 hours) in order to get back to her other kids.
Sunny and I have had many, MANY discussions about the relationship we want to have with Spud’s birth parents. Since we got matched, we’ve talked a few times with the birth mom. The birth father is in the picture, but he’s not… I believe he and the birth mom still live together, but she’s told us they’re not together anymore. I guess it’s kind of up in the air as far as how much we’ll talk with him as the years go by. We’d like to welcome them into our extended family, but exactly what that means is still unknown. I almost never talk to most of the people I would consider my extended family, and Sunny only talks to hers once every three to six months, depending on circumstances. We’re *obligated *to send pictures and letters on some kind of schedule, but unless the birth parents go down a path we don’t want to expose Spud to, they’ll get calls and pictures much more often, and we’re hoping we can arrange visits as often as possible while still keeping our current families our primary concern.
Sunny started making her way up to Indiana this weekend. She’ll stay with my family there until we get the call that the birth mom has gone into labor. She took the dog and the kiddo (the current one, anyway), so the house is feeling awfully empty right now.
The thing I came on here today to mention, though: it’s awesome that for every “friend” or family member that’s had a single negative thing to say about the adoption, usually related to the fact that we’re white and adopting a black baby, we’ve got several more who are just over-the-moon excited for us. Shortly after we were matched with our tummy mommy, we got a small package in the mailbox one day with a note that said something to the effect of, “You’re going to be getting some baby things in the mail from time to time. Don’t try to find out who this is.” So far, about once a week, we’ve gotten something from this mystery person/people, who we’ve taken to calling “Spud’s secret admirers.” Sunny suspected she knew who it was, but that person recently PCSd (change of station) away from here, and we got an infant tub delivered today with some soap, shampoo, wash cloths and towels, so either Sunny was wrong or they’re working in a team. They’ve even been kind/thoughtful enough to include gift receipts most of the time so that we can return the stuff if necessary!
The best one though was at the end of last week: one of Sunny’s friends, who watches Squirt so much that we call her two boy’s Squirt’s brothers, came by to chat and brought a small bag with her. She said we had to read the card before we looked inside, and she had included a note that told us that she thought we were going to make great parents for Spud. She said the rest of the package was a nice little treat to show us how well black and white can work together, and she had included a couple small bags of Hershey’s Hugs. It sounds cheesy, perhaps, but it brought happy tears to Sunny’s eyes and made her love that woman even more.
I just wanted to tell those couple stories real quick to let any prospective adoptive parents here know that even though you may come across people who won’t understand what you’re doing, there are probably more who won’t care in the slightest, and those are the people you need to seek out and surround yourself with.