Ask the former group home resident

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

More house rules:

We were allowed to have small pets in our rooms, as long as we took care of them, and they weren’t disruptive to the house. I had a pair of mice for a long time. Some people kept small aquariums.

We all had a list of chores that rotated each week. Most chores had something that needed to be done daily, or during the school week, and then we had a deep cleaning once a week. You could switch chores with someone, or, if you had the money, pay them to do it. You were also responsible for keeping your room clean and doing your own laundry. Beds had to be changed at least once a week, and there was always a fuss over who got the “pretty” sheets. The sheets were your generic thrift store grab bag and nothing matched. One of my roommates and I had a competition to see who could come up with the ugliest, gaudiest set. There were some real monstrosities at the bottom of the linen closet. We each were allowed 2 towels and 1 washcloth at a time, but that was in my “bathing is optional” phase, so I only replaced mine once a week. House laundry was all of the house linens.

Wake up was 7:30 am, never a problem for me, since I had to be out the door to catch the bus by 6:15. House meeting was every weekday, even in the summer, at 2:30. Quiet time was at 5:30, dinner was served at 6. We had to say grace (“God is good, God is great, thank you for this county plate, amen” would suffice), stay at the table for at least 10 minutes, and if you didn’t eat dinner, you couldn’t have anything else later, unless you were sick. We each had a permanently assigned chair at the table. Chore time was at 9 pm, and quiet time at 9:30, with lights out at 10.

We had group therapy twice a week, either with the social worker or with the psychologist. We had one or two (depending on whether or not you made use of them - you couldn’t have 2 sessions just because you wanted to skip school) individual sessions a month with the psychologist. Our house also had one on ones with an assigned houseparent, so you got an hour of undivided attention to do whatever you wanted, with $5 to spend. Going out for coffee was popular, as was clothes shopping if you had any clothing money. For people who spent most of their time restricted to the house, one on ones were their only chance to leave the house.

On weekends, we were allowed one night out. The house got to vote on where they wanted to go, although with a $5/person limit, options were limited. It was usually rollerskating, occasionally bowling. Unless you were on house arrest or had house labor, you could go. However, some people enjoyed being a killjoy, and it wasn’t unusual for someone to stir the house up so that nobody got to go anywhere, or keep the vote split, since it was majority rules.

22

Thanks for being so open about such an obviously complex and painful adolescence. I’m wondering…how many attempts have you made at love relationships? Have you had any degree of success? Does it get easier as you meet new women?

What/who is your support system now?

23

That’s terrible, all that you had to go through.

{{{{ Jahdra }}}} (from the East Bay, hope that’s not too close)

24

Jah thanks for sharing this. I work for an organization that provides residential services (group homes, apartments, and supported living (someone in his/her own place but with some assistance) for persons primarily with developmental disabilities. It’s interesting to read what it’s like from the perspective of someone who’s lived in a group home.

I know we interact a bunch in the MMP, but I didn’t have any idea you’d had the experiences you’ve had. I already like ya, but now I have a whole other profound level of deep respect for you for what you’ve gone through and where you are today.

25

Jahdra, I haven’t been in the MMP lately, so I haven’t seen your name, but when I saw your thread, I began reading with interest. You write so clearly and compellingly; you’re an amazing young woman to come so far.

My question: how were you treated by other teens who knew you lived in a group home? Were you able to be friends with anyone besides girls in the system?

26

Short answers: A couple. I haven’t made it to a second date since high school. No. Not really. For a long time, the only women I attracted/was attracted to were fairly toxic and crazy. So I took a hiatus from dating in August 2002, I think. My therapist thinks I’m ready, but I’m not so sure. The only way to find out is to get out there, but I’m leery. Plus, there’s the whole not liking to be touched thing.

My support system is a few close friends (as close as I allow them, anyway) and my therapists. I’m working on expanding it, but I’m very slow to trust people.

I returned to the high school I had been attending before I was hospitalized, and being in a group home wasn’t really an issue for them. There were other people who lived, or had lived, in group homes. I didn’t have any really close friends in high school, either, mostly due to emotional issues. The biggest change was that I dropped a required for graduation class (I was a senior) and became a second year junior. By doing so, I delayed aging out of the system for another year. It was rather odd, especially in the AP classes, when everyone was doing the “where are you going” thing, and I was returning for another year of high school. My second senior year was hard, because my friends had all graduated the previous summer. Way back when, the foster care system took care of kids until 21, and put them through college if they wanted to go. By the time I got there, it was only through high school.

Friendships are strange to me, because, growing up, my parents literally had no friends. My father was scary, so much so that it wasn’t until I left home that I discovered how rude people could be in crowds, because people stepped out of my father’s way, quite unconsciously. He was all of 5’9", and 135 pounds at his heaviest, and big, burly guys twice his size steered well clear of him. My mother hates women, and one of her favorite sports is stealing husbands and boyfriends, so the feeling was mutual, and single guys were afraid of my father. So, no friends. My brother and I didn’t have/weren’t allowed to have any either. I have a vivid memory of being whipped for asking to go to a friend’s house. My mother had told me not to ask again, that I wouldn’t be allowed to go, but I had forgotten. After she whipped me, I told her, “I’m going to her house now,” and left. My logic was that she’d already whipped me, what more could she do? That was in first grade. She never whipped me for that reason again. Years later, as an adult, she told me that one of the reasons she whipped me so much was that she wanted to see me cry. I asked her “Why do you think I didn’t cry?” She finally quit whipping us the year that I was finally big enough to hit her back, and she drew blood beating my brother with a clothes hanger.