Ask the transsexual! (FtM)

In My Humble Opinion
41

Managed to find one when I’m not making a goofy face, back in 2002:

This is now:

(more or less clean shaven, an oddity for me!)
(this site is my website, hosting my web projects and some friends’ ones, in french: archive of french trans actions, website for gay ftms and the men who love them, a trans/queer radio)

I hesitated, because I’m not fond the tradition of putting before/after pics of transfolks in magazines or tv shows and such, but I feel this thread is a bit different.
I always looked masculine since I was a kid, this is not true for all FTM folks though.

I like boys, including fellow FtMs, whether they’re taking testosterone or not, have had any surgeries or not. (of course I’m not attracted to all men and all trans men whatever they look like)

waves hello I see you from time to time in livejournal.

:smiley:

I would put it like that: with testosterone, 99% of trans men will look male enough for most people not to think they’re anything other than non-trans in nearly all settings.

But the standards are different for women, their bodies are more scrutinized in society, and if a woman ends up being “too tall” or with a heavy forehead, strong chin/jaw/hands or deep eye sockets, it’s gonna ping people’s radar, whether she’s really transsexual or not after ll. Some women have already end up in jail with men because of police’s assumption about how “male” they were looking. ( http://nodesignation.wordpress.com/2007/08/27/ciswoman-recieves-transphobic-prison-treatment/ and http://blogs.villagevoice.com/runninscared/archives/2009/10/woman_housed_wi.php , though for this second cite, I base my opinion on the belief that if someone had female papers and were looking like your average woman, no policeman would have think she were a male and put her with men.)

But some short dude with a beard, wide hips and small hands? Unless you’re in queer city, where people know FTMs exist, no one will give you a second look. I live in some small village and I bet most folks wouldn’t imagine a sole second that someone who is transsexual would live there, let alone a FTM transsexual. Heck, me and my lover are seen as a gay couple and as far as I know, there is no other known gay folks in a 30 miles radius.

I remember, after some trans action, spending a whole afternoon with three guys, who I all thought to be FTM. As the hours passed, turned out only one of them was ftm, one of the guy was a slighty femmy bisexual guy and the other one a just-at-the-beginning-of-her-coming-out trans woman. But we were all the same height and not macho highly masculine guys, so… :smack:
I assumed that, even though I know plenty of trans men who are 6’ tall or with narrow hips and large hands.

I really don’t know…my parents were supportive but I was always a very mature kid, deep in books, doing well at school you know? Nearly all my friends were online friends and for the most part didn’t know I was trans. And concerning my school/university friends, since we were the same age I didn’t pick up from them a “maybe you’re too young” vibe.
I went to see my psychiatrist when I was 18 but, even though he told me during our first session he had not doubt I was transsexual, he had a policy of seeing people 2 years at least before okaying for hormones, so I had to wait (I didn’t know at the time I could have simply found another psychiatrist). It was a sad circle: after two years I would see him and break down and cry because I wanted to transition, and he would say I wasn’t stable enough because of that, and this would make me feel even more depressed and I would cry even more the next time, argh! It dragged on like that for nearly a year.
To be honest, I don’t think the surgeon who did my top surgery cared at all about my age, mostly about my money and doing a good job.

In france you can go to gender teams in some of the big cities, and there there is usually a cut off age below which they won’t operate on you or give you hormones.
In gender teams you can’t chose your doctors or surgeons, but all surgeries are funded by the health system, because they operate you in public hospitals. Being gay in your target sex is not viewed as a good sign so I decided from the beginning to go private.

42

I’m a little puzzled by the idea that people “don’t decide until their 30’s” - it makes it sound like transsexuality is something someone chooses whereas I always heard it was an innate, life-long thing. In other words, someone is just as much a transsexual pre-op at 10 years old as post-op at 40. Maybe most people get transition treatment in their 30’s and that’s what was throwing him off? If someone is transsexual and going to transition I just don’t see the purpose in making them wait an additional 10 years, particularly for MtF as the additional 10 years of testosterone is just going to make it harder for them to blend in afterwards.

43

Lazz, you look just like my Brother-in-Law! (Cisgendered, if I’m using that right…born male, stayed male?)

44

To be honest, I think most people get treated in their teens, too…but he’d had one FtM patient before me, who was in his thirties, and he assumed anyone younger didn’t know what they were doing.

You’re right, it is innate. The best theory I’ve heard for it so far is, during the third trimester of pregnancy, when the brain is forming, the hormones in the mother’s womb aren’t right for the chromosomal gender of the baby. And so the brain is physically structured in a more masculine, or more feminine way. If you’re in a female body and your brain is male, this mismatch is something that you really have to fix. I don’t know how it was for most people, but I felt extremely depersonalised and derealised until I started seeing myself as a man. Putting off transitioning would have been like living a half-life (or less), until I was finally “old enough” to do it.

45

Thanks for the perspectives Johnny and Lazz! My first serious boyfriend was a just-beginning-his-transition FtM guy, and I did a lot of college activist work to bring trans issues into the LGBT spotlight. There were plenty of gays and lesbians in the college club but I was the only one who could offer even an SO’s perspecive on trans issues, which was sad.

I know my ex (we are still friendly) was never much into gay activism at all. Once he knew he could pass he just wanted to be a regular straight guy and not really get into any “scenes.” Do you both feel that’s the case for the majority?

Also, I guess if anyone has any questions for SO’s of FtM guys, I could answer from that perspective.

46

Elysium, I’ve never had much to do with the FtM scene, but that’s just because I haven’t clicked with many of the guys in my area. I do have one or two friends in the scene, though I go to the meetings very rarely.

I know that for me, when I started transitioning I definitely wanted to just blend in and be a regular guy (albeit not straight), but as I found myself passing more, I started worrying about it less. I’m at the point now where I’ll come out to folks I know, as long as I don’t get the impression they’re especially bigoted (it makes me very uncomfortable to be pegged as a lesbian) - but I’m stealth to people I don’t know very well. I just don’t see why it has anything to do with them.

I think a lot of FtM guys just want to blend in; it’s one of the reasons our visibility is so low. Like I said in the OP, a lot of guys were pretty unhappy with the publicity Thomas Beatie was getting recently; they thought his story would make people catch on, and out them. I think most FtM are in the closet in the workplace, at least, and out to varying degrees among their friends.

Even I’m still more comfortable playing activist for the bi/pansexual communities than FtM, but as I say, I’m getting more comfortable with it.

47

Yeah, though it depends on the “kind” of FTM, I would say most folks want to blend in as non-trans guys.
Among the folks I know, there are people who see themselves as strickly male and who carefully avoid mixing up people who know they’re trans, like their spouse or other trans folks they met during their transition and the rest of their life. There are folks who will refuse to meet up if among the people invited to a party or something, there are “visible” trans folks.
There are also folks who don’t feel well when even perfect strangers see them as random non-trans guys and who hang out a lot in spaces where they can be viewed as trans guys.
Often, in early transition, folks are all out about their trans status, then as they move on with life, different shades of knowing/not-knowing among various groups of friends/acquaintances/random social groups naturally take place.
I also know guys who reacted the other way, who began being 100% stealth about being trans, paranoid about even one random person merely suspecting they were not a non-trans guy, then who decided to be highly visible.

As for me, I am of two minds.
I definitely prefer when people don’t know I’m trans, because I like being seen as just a random (gay) guy. The situation I really dislike is when some people know, but I don’t know they know and learn it weeks later, or I suspect but can’t ask them myself without making myself known as trans.
But, being known to be trans and still be treated like anyone is nice too, but too often I’ll get the impression, true or not, that I’ll only be seen as “trans”, some sort of “other”, or that people will then think or say that if I do this or that, it’s because I’m trans/used to be a girl/etc, and I’m not always comfortable with that.
In my day to day life nowadays no one knows I’m trans (I think), save for my lover, and I don’t feel the need to tell it to friends. This may change if they become closer friends, or not.
I’m like, it’s only been a few years that I’ve been only seen as male by everyone, let me fully live it before deciding to change that or not!
It’s one of the reasons I don’t do any trans activist stuff in real life where I live. That I do that online or in cities far away.

haha thanks, I look almost identical to one of my brother, except I’m the one with the least hair left.
Say, you aren’t from sweden per chance? :smiley:

48

These guys are doing a great job answering, but I figured I’d throw in my two cents as well. The more the merrier, eh? I’m a transsexual man in my early 30s, I’ve been on hormones for, um, 6 years or so (many trans guys keep very close tabs on how long they’ve been doing certain things, take lots of before and after pics, record their voice at various stages, etc and some of us tend to be a little more laid back about that kind of thing).

I live in a small southern city, though I started my social transition in Atlanta in the late 90s. I had a chest reduction (can’t afford a complete reconstruction) paid for by my insurance - since I’m a fat guy, this works just fine as long as I keep my shirt on. I haven’t had any below the belt surgery and don’t plan to. I’m poor, but even aside from the matter of (massive) cost, I’m scared of losing any sensation and am not so far emotionally removed from my junk as to make that necessary.

In my day to day life, I am accepted just like any non-trans man. In fact, I’ve never had my name legally changed, and when people check my ID they either completely ignore my feminine given name or tease me for it, assuming my parents saddled me with a girl’s name due to some family quirk. (They often tell me about a cousin or other relative with a name that is generally used for the other gender.) My checks only have my first initial and last name on them, and both old and new names start with the same letter, so that works fine.

I transitioned on the job and grew up in this town and am sort of stealth/nonstealth. It’s very annoying to hear that an old friend or coworker has outed me through gossip (I’ve had to have it out with a few people over this). I didn’t transition to be transsexual, I transitioned because being a man makes more sense to me. Other than internet threads like these and in dating situations, I tend to just treat it like my medical history. Private, but not the end of the world if someone knows.

My family is extremely supportive, from Granny down, but that is just our style. Having a family that will back me up makes it easy for me to tell people who don’t accept it to get the eff out of my life. I don’t like drama.

So, ways in which I may have different answers from these other guys: older (came out as a dyke in 92, as a man in 99 at 23), live in the deep south, not involved in any larger trans or gay communities, and my social circle is one spawned largely from a very working class and masculine music scene.

If I can answer any questions, please ask.

49

OK, I’ll ask what everyone else is thinking.

As we all know, gay men love the cock. So…dating someone without? I suppose what I’m asking: Is vaginal intercourse on the table? Cunnilingus?

50

Hi.

One of my best friends’ daughters is exploring the idea of going FtM. She’s 15, and is already out as lesbian at her high school.

(I still use the feminine gender for her because she hasn’t started trying to present as male yet, hasn’t asked anyone to call her by a male name, etc. Like I said, it’s something that she is considering and has talked about with her mom, her psychologist, and her girlfriend, but I don’t think she has made a decision about yet.)

If she does decide that she’s happier being a boy, what can I do to help/support her? Er, him? Other than keeping the transition in mind and not accidentally using the wrong name/pronoun?

51

I would say that’s pretty much the main idea. Use the right pronouns and names after he asks you to, even if he seems back and forth about it. If he’s in a group that’s otherwise all female, remember not to say, “Okay, girls, what do we want for lunch?” or whatever. Don’t gossip about him.

52

For anyone that cares to answer:
How do you view yourself as a child? How do you talk about your childhood to others? How do your family and long term friends do it?

If you are FtM, when talking about your Halloween costumers in the 3rd grade, does your mother talk about “her” costume or “his”?

I guess I’m asking, do you and yours apply your current gender to your past self, or do you have some cut off date in your head “pre-2001, I was female, after that, male”.

53

Reading this thread, I can’t help but think how difficult it must be. Do you ever wish you were born with man parts? I mean, do you at all appreciate the experiences you once had as a woman, or would you rather have started out as the gender of your choice in the first place?

54

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t know, how and when do you tell them? Is it usually a big deal, like you’re nervous, or do they usually not care that much?

55

I’d say: don’t doubt him, he’ll be questioning himself enough as it is. Don’t make a big deal of it. Something that happened this year, that thrilled me, was when my mother kept asking my brother “Are you sure your wisdom teeth are okay?” (it’s mine that were inflamed)…and my father made an off the cuff joke about her not being able to keep track of her sons. That someone could make a casual joke naming me as male, without my gender being the point of it at all, meant a lot to me. So accepting it and casually referring to it, without making a big deal about it, is a huge thing.

56

Well, it depends on who all I’m talking to. To a group of male, nontrans friends, I would probably say, “when I was at camp” rather than “when I was at girl scout camp”, just to avoid the issue. To other trans people or close friends who have known me forever, I might say, “when I was a dyke” or even “when I was living as a dyke” or “living as a girl” or maybe “before I was on hormones” if the conversation calls for it, but I would pretty much not ever say “when I was a girl” or “when I was female.” It just doesn’t feel like that to me. I might as well say, “when my body felt really wrong.”

My family use male pronouns for me at all times (“he went as Yoda for Halloween in preschool”), but tend to avoid either “when you were a boy” or “when you were a girl” in favor of “when you were young” or “when you were in such and such grade”.

Transitioning is a slow process. First you realize it yourself, then you tell people, then maybe you get on hormones, then maybe you get some surgery - or maybe not. There’s no bright line for most trans folks. And my mind’s always felt like this - that’s the whole problem. So I’ve got nothing to compare it to.

57

Yes, I do wish my body/mind interacting was less complicated. But this is the life I’ve led, and I’m not apt to want to give any of it up, you know? I’m lucky enough to have never struggled with depression or emotional issues, and my family is very supportive, so I think it’s been less difficult on me (overall) than on some people.

I do appreciate the experience. I think it gives me a much broader view of gender and sex in our society. I’m an unabashed feminist - it’s hard to argue that sexism’s been conquered when you’ve lived on both sides of the fence and see the differences in how people interact with you, professionally and socially.

58

If we’re talking about me in the past, it would me “His costume”. I’m still the same person, and even if you’re talking about me as a child…and if you referred to a child-me with “her costume”, I’d feel like labelling me as “her” there was labelling me as “her” now. If that makes sense to you?

I saw myself as gender-neutral, when I was a child. I was very much a tomboy, though in my teens I tried for extreme femininity. I still consider my child-self pretty much gender neutral, but I wouldn’t be happy to hear someone talking about me as “she”, because I’d feel it was somehow being applied to my present day self.

59

I don’t date people I haven’t told. I tend to only date bisexual folks, for what it’s worth. Dating straight women can be a crap shoot when it comes to how they react to what’s in my pants, once it comes down to it. Dating lesbians is just too much of a hassle (they tend to want to out you to their friends to “explain” why they are in a straight relationship, and they are more likely to treat you like some kind of uberbutch). I’m pretty straight, so I can’t say for dating guys.

60

This.