I know everyone doubted that the Earth revolved around the sun. But in time, that idea started to seem pretty reasonable.
Then someone says light travels at 186,000 miles per second. That’s pretty hard to imagine, but it does make sense considering that you see lightning before you hear it – except in movies (sound engineers don’t go outside much, I guess).
Then someone says time dilates when you go really fast. Huh? So I study the math and I see how it works, but it still makes no sense. Nevertheless, I swallow my suspicion that I’m being whooshed (to use the current terminology) because some really smart people insist that it’s true, and who am I to say they’re wrong?
Then someone starts talking about matter being mostly empty space – electrons and nucleii are really tiny. But, they say, there really is no empty space because of some quantum flux probability thing. Fine, I think to myself, pour me a pint of mostly empty space and explain why my ex-girlfriend likes to criticize me so much.
NOW, they say that the Big Bang was so huge, so hot, so massive that it took 380,000 YEARS for it to cool down enough to form atoms. Yeah, right. If I see an explosion, it’s, like, boom. Kablooey. Done. What’s the longest explosion you’ve ever seen or heard of? A microsecond? A second? Four seconds?
But 380,000 years? Hahahahhaha. But wait…there’s more.
The explosion was sooooo big (I’m told) that it took 200 MILLION years for it to cool down enough to form clumps of hydrogen that became stars and galaxies. So let me get this straight. You want me to believe that an explosion blew and blew and blew (and blew and blew) for 200 million years before the dust started to settle? Before there even was dust? Ha. Hmph. Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha. Whoooh! Yeah baby! Uh huh. 200 million years of explosion.
Oh I forgot. For the first 380,000 years it was so hot (“How Hot Was It?”), it was so hot that there was no light, per se. No, it was too hot for light, so the only thing we can see is microwave radiation that started 380,000 years AFTER the explosion started. It took that long to cool down to a mere thousand million degrees plus or minus a gigabyte. Whaaatevvver, doood.
ANYWAY, I won’t even get into dark matter. Did you know there’s more dark matter than “real matter”? According to whom, I know not. And don’t get me started on “dark energy” either. WTF is that? For some reason, 6 or 7 billion years ago (how long is that anyway? I have no clue) the universe started expanding faster and faster. And w-h-y???. Because of dark energy, the totally unknown force that is pushing everything apart faster and faster (oh yeah, wanna come up to my room and see my portfolio?). I’m beyond laughing now, merely burdened with sadness, horror, and paranoia. BUT, I admit that the theory of a dark, repulsive, unknown force DOES explain my ex-girlfriend’s behavior and believe me, that takes an Einstein.
