Aviation humor

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.]
The F-15 pilot was escorting an aged B-52. Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot. ‘Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!’ The bomber pilot replies, ‘Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!’ and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, ‘Um… What did you do?’ The B-52 pilot says, ‘I just shut down two engines.’
[/QUOTE]

The way I know the joke it goes like…

The bomber pilot replies, ‘Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!’ and keeps flying straight and level. The fighter jock asks, ‘Um… What did you do?’ The B-52 pilot says, ‘I just took a crap in the toilet’
-That pilot over there, he usually scores 9 or 9.5 in his landings…
-Wow, must be very good.
-… on the Richter scale.
-Nevermind.
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”

Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
How to land a plane at night:

  1. Trim plane for best glide speed.
  2. Maintain wings level.
  3. Continue glide until faint shadows on ground can be seen.
  4. Switch Landing light on.
  5. If you don’t like what you see, switch landing light off.
22

[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.]
Which reminds me of a Bob Stevens cartoon…

Scene: A MATS bird way out over the big pond. An over-eager check pilot is ‘giving them hell’.

Check pilot (thinking): Heh. I’ll feather #3.

(He pushes the 'feather #3 button – never mind, it’s a cartoon.)

The flight engineer defiantly pushes the ‘feather #1’ button.

Flight Engineer: OK sir, it’s your turn again!
[/QUOTE]

What is “MATS”?

Some aeroplanes do/did have feather buttons by the way, I’m not sure of types but I remember reading an accident report that talked about feather buttons. The Dash 8 has feather switches but they’re only supposed to be used if the normal feather system doesn’t work.

The guys who name waypoints usually have a sense of humour. There are a series of waypoints in the States I think with the following names, ITAWT, ITTAW, APUTT, ETATT (not sure of the exact spelling, they are always 5 letters so the spelling can be creative.)

One in Australia is a standard arrival in to Brisbane, the waypoints are, LEAKY, BOATS, SINNK.

Then there are a string of waypoints off the coast of Perth called, WONSA, JOLLY, SWAGY, CAMBS, BUIYA, BYLLA, BONGS, UNDER, ACOOL, EBARR, TREES. For those not up with Australian culture it is the opening lines of Waltzing Maltilda, a popular traditional Aussie song.

23

[QUOTE=1920s Style “Death Ray”]

Then there are a string of waypoints off the coast of Perth called, WONSA, JOLLY, SWAGY, CAMBS, BUIYA, BYLLA, BONGS, UNDER, ACOOL, EBARR, TREES. For those not up with Australian culture it is the opening lines of Waltzing Maltilda, a popular traditional Aussie song.
[/QUOTE]

applauds

24

[QUOTE=1920s Style “Death Ray”]
What is “MATS”?
[/QUOTE]
Military Air Transport Service. the guys that fly C-130s, C-5s and C-17 hauling anything and everything.

25

[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.]
Were those the Richard Proeneke books, the ones about the guy who homesteaded a place by a lake?
[/QUOTE]

No, that was the book that made me ask questions about bush pilots and you (or someone) recommended Glacier Pilot and Flying the Alaskan Wild. I enjoyed both books on a beach in Mexico.

26

[QUOTE=1920s Style “Death Ray”]
What is “MATS”?
[/quote]
Maybe Arrive Tomorrow Sometime. Alitalia is Always Late In Takeoff, Always Late In Arrival. SABENA was Such A Bad Experience, Never Again. There are others that don’t come to mind immediately.

The RNAV approach to Runway 16 at Portsmouth, New Hampshire. The waypoint names (from the south) are, in order, ITAWT, ITAWA, PUDYE, TTATT. The missed-approach fix? IDEED.

Thanks for the Aussie ones - bonzer, mate!

27

A comprehensive list of acronyms. :smiley:

28

[QUOTE=Tully Mars]
No, that was the book that made me ask questions about bush pilots and you (or someone) recommended Glacier Pilot and Flying the Alaskan Wild. I enjoyed both books on a beach in Mexico.
[/QUOTE]

Ah. Must have been someone else.

[QUOTE=1920s Style “Death Ray”]
Some aeroplanes do/did have feather buttons by the way, I’m not sure of types but I remember reading an accident report that talked about feather buttons. The Dash 8 has feather switches but they’re only supposed to be used if the normal feather system doesn’t work.
[/quote]

Then I stand corrected on my assumption. I thought feathering was controlled by the pitch levers.

[QUOTE=1920s Style “Death Ray”]
The guys who name waypoints usually have a sense of humour. There are a series of waypoints in the States I think with the following names, ITAWT, ITTAW, APUTT, ETATT (not sure of the exact spelling, they are always 5 letters so the spelling can be creative.)

One in Australia is a standard arrival in to Brisbane, the waypoints are, LEAKY, BOATS, SINNK.
[/QUOTE]

I’m not IFR rated, but dad was so I saw a few that were amusing. Can’t remember any right now though.

We used to have ARSAs (Airport Radar Service Areas). Nowadays they’re called Class C airspace. There was a joke going around at the time that they were going to put one up around the Kissimmee (Florida) airport, which would make it Kissimmee ARSA.

29

[QUOTE=Johnny L.A.]

Then I stand corrected on my assumption. I thought feathering was controlled by the pitch levers.
[/QUOTE]

It is on piston engined twins. Some turboprop aircraft don’t have a pitch control, just a single power lever that does everything. In the case of the Dash 8 (which does have a pitch lever) the “condition lever” controls propeller RPM from a max of 1200 for take off and landing to a min of 900 for everything else. Below “MIN” is the “START/FEATHER” position and below that is “FUEL OFF.” The lever is just sending a feather signal to a hydraulic pump that controls propeller pitch. The alternate feather switches send a signal to a secondary hydraulic pump for use in case there is a loss of engine oil supply to the normal pump.

30

A friend of my dad’s was on final in a Cessna 172. The tower advised her to expedite her landing, as there was a 737 behind her. She replied, ‘Tell him to watch my wake.’

31

This one’s been around for a long time too, but it cracks me up. This version is from Snopes.

32

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running “a bit peaked.” Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two to land, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. “Ah,” the fighter pilot remarked, “The dreaded seven-engine approach.”

33

This is the first aviation joke I remember.

Tower: Beechcraft Six-Two-Echo, cleared to land Runway Six. Grumman Zero-One-Lima, cleared to land Runway Two-Four.

62E: Tower, did you just clear the Grumman to land on Two-Four? You just cleared me to land on Six!

Tower: Y’all be careful now, y’hear?

34

I love these jokes. There’s a score of threads on Airliners.net about them.

A lot of the stuff in this thread I recognise, but one from Airliners springs to mind that I haven’t seen here yet.

A novel pilot in a Cessna radios an airport, and says: “Unidentified airfield with a Cessna circling overhead, please ident!” :smiley:

35

[QUOTE=Coldfire]
“Unidentified airfield with a Cessna circling overhead, please ident!” :smiley:
[/QUOTE]

‘If you read me, rock the tower.’

36

[QUOTE=Rick]
Military Air Transport Service. the guys that fly C-130s, C-5s and C-17 hauling anything and everything.
[/QUOTE]

MATS was long ago converted to the Military Airlift Command (MAC) or as the crews called it, Missed Another Christmas.

And around 1993 or so the commands were re-aligned again, resulting in the Air Mobility Command (AMC). Also known as Airplane Maybe Come.

For the commercial side:

How was copper wire invented?

Two Captains fighting over a penny.

37

[QUOTE=mlees]
This Email is making the circuit amongst my relatives, thought it was funny enough to share.
[/QUOTE]
This list misses one of the funniest, yet most tellingly true-sounding to this engineer, entry that was in this list when I first read it (yes, well before the internet):

P: Oil seeping from engine #3
S: Engine #3 oil seepage normal
P: Normal oil seepage missing from engines #1, #2 and #4.

38

A few more:

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.

The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world: it can just barely kill you.

Apologies to Johnny L.A.:

If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter – and therefore, unsafe.

If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.

As to acronyms:

DELTA: Divert Everyone’s Luggage Through Atlanta.