Bad Lovecraft

Cafe Society
1

Sung to the tune of Bad Romance
Note- The Derleth referred to is August Derleth, who collected and guarded Lovecraft’s works but could not write worth a damn- not a reference to the poster of that name.
Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft
Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft

Cthulhu ooh, ooh, ooh
Yog Sothoth in the broth
Dagon on and on,
Write some bad Lovecraft

Cthulhu ooh, ooh, ooh
Yog Sothoth in the broth
Dagon on and on,
Write some bad Lovecraft

I want it banal, I want it pastiche
I want it free of originality
Write me some crud
Crud, crud, crud, write me some crud.

Forget the climax, forget the whole plot
Just mention Abdul Al Hazred a lot
Write me some crud
Crud, crud, crud, write me some crud.
(Crud, crud, crud, write me some crud)

You know not pacing
And you know not dialogue
Write me some bad, bad Lovecraft

I want shoggoths, and I want elder things,
You and me could write some bad Lovecraft
I want deep ones, something squamous with wings,
You and me could write some bad Lovecraft.

Oh, readin’ some bad Lovecraft,
Oh, readin some bad Lovecraft,

Cthulhu ooh, ooh, ooh
Yog Sothoth in the broth
Dagon on and on,
Write some bad Lovecraft

An eldritch horror, and an Elder Sign,
Or a bunch of teens at the abandoned mine
Write me some crud,
Crud, crud, crud write me some crud

A roving psycho, some blood and gore
Make it worse than I’ve read before
Write me some crud,
Crud, crud, crud, write me some crud
(Crud, crud, crud, write me some crud)

Spellcheck’s beyond you
And proper grammar too
(Cause you’re a hack, baby)
Write me some bad, bad Lovecraft.

The Mythos is on the loose,
You and me could write some bad Lovecraft.
I want a story to make me snooze
You and me could write some bad Lovecraft

Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft,
Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft

Cthulhu ooh, ooh, ooh
Yog Sothoth in the broth
Dagon on and on,
Write some bad Lovecraft

Cthulhu ooh, ooh, ooh
Yog Sothoth in the broth
Dagon on and on,
Write some bad Lovecraft

Write without passion, baby
This crap would drive HP crazy
Write without passion, baby
This crap would drive HP crazy

Write without passion, baby
This crap would drive HP crazy
Write without passion, baby
Spew crap on the pages, baby

Something unspeakable, from ancient times,
An inhuman language that makes a nice rhyme
Ia! Ia! Cthulhu R’yleh
While a dead moon is shining palely

No, I don’t want any plot
(Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft)
Just say “eldritch” a lot

Want your bad Lovecraft
(Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft)
Want your bad Lovecraft

I want it bland, and I want it lifeless,
You and me could write some bad Lovecraft
I want it bland, like it was by Derleth
You and me could write some bad Lovecraft

Want your bad Lovecraft
(Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft)
Want your bad Lovecraft
Want your bad Lovecraft
(Oh, write me some bad Lovecraft)

Cthulhu ooh, ooh, ooh
Yog Sothoth in the broth
Dagon on and on,
Write some bad Lovecraft

2

A while back, I was working on a song called “Girls Just Wanna Have Fhtagn,” but it was sucked into a seething vortex with eldritch non-Euclidean geometries, and I decided it’s best that I not write songs of that ilk.

3

I don’t know about that. Derleth wrote “The Lonesome Place”, which is an absolute classic.

4

golf claps

5

He also wrote “Bill’s Diary”, a fake blog by a kid growing up in rural Wisconsin. And had a newspaper editorial cartoonist illustrate it. Kind of a Huck Finn-meets-Newsies “Graphic Novel”, but done decades before anyone had put those two words together.

Hmmm, it’s pretty sunny and optimistic. Maybe he was just too darn mentally healthy to write good Lovecraftian prose…