Bad Musician jokes

Inspired by Flamsterette_X’s impressive contributions in this thread, I thought it’d be a good idea to open a separate thread devoted to Bad Musician Jokes. But do I mean jokes about bad musicians or bad jokes about musicians? Both. And to open it up, something that fits both possible definitions at once.

The following concerns a concert harpist at the Boston Symphony Orchestra.

The conductor at the time was William Steinberg, who insisted on very formal rehearsals. Musicians were expected to be early, so that the rehearsal started exactly on time, and wearing a suit and tie.

This harpist was getting tired of the small parts his instrument got in most symphonic works. One evening over drinks, a friend of his named Sam Frank invited the harpist to play at his club.

So the harpist showed up with his harp and played some background music for the early patrons before the band arrived. When the other musicians (a small jazz combo) arrived, they asked the harpist to sit in with them. It was meant as a joke, but he took them up on it.

Soon, the harpist was be-bopping right along with the combo. People were dancing, drinks were flowing, and the music was moving. It was the best gig the harpist had ever been a part of.

Unfortunately, the harpist did not keep track of the time. And when the gig ended, he went to an after-hours club with the other musicians. He eventually stumbles home in the wee hours of the morning. He stumbles into bed without changing, and hits the snooze alarm a few too many times mere hours later.

Eventually he realizes his predicament, rushes to Symphony Hall and hurtles into the rehearsal room just as Steinberg is taking his place.

Steinberg is not impressed. The harpist is unshaven, unshowered, and wearing yesterday’s disheveled clothes. “Please take your place at your instrument,” he instructs. “Speaking of which, where is your instrument?”

“Oh, no!” the horrified harpist exclaims. “I left my harp in Sam Frank’s disco!” :smiley:

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou. Remember to tip your wait staff.

…It was the bottom of the Ninth, the basses were loaded, the score was tied…

What’s the difference between a large pizza and a professional musician?
A large pizza can feed a family.

paperbackwriter, Peter Schickele would be proud!

Collective names for voice ranges:

  • A screech of sopranos.
  • A fright of altos.
  • A vacuousness of tenors.
  • A croak of basses.

How do you know when you’re dating a French horn player?
Every time you kiss her, she tries to shove her fist up your a**.

What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a lawnmower?
You can tune the lawnmower.

For all your listening pleasure.

A drummer was tired of “stupid drummer jokes,” so he decided to show his bandmates that he knew more about music than they thought.

So, he went to a music store and wandered around for a while looking at the instruments.

Finally he went up to the salesman and said “I’d like to buy the accordion over there, and that red bagpipe.”

The salesman looked where the drummer was pointing, thought for a second and said, “Well, I can let you have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator isn’t for sale.”

Q) What do pirates and sopranos have in common?

A) They’re both murder on the high Cs.

A Martian walks into a music store and says " take me to your lieder "

What do you call a guitarist who just broke up with his girlfriend?


What’s the difference between a trampoline and a viola?

People take their shoes off before they jump on a trampoline.

So the first chair violist in the Minot, North Dakota Philharmonic meets a genie and gets three wishes. His first wish is to double his musical skills.

Poof He is now the last chair violist in the New York Philharmonic. His second wish is also to double his musical skills.

Poof He is now the first chair violis in the New York Philharmonic. His third wish is again to double his musical skills.

Poof He is now the last chair violinist in the Minot, North Dakota Philharmonic!

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola will burn a little longer.

What’s the first thing a soprano does when she wakes up?

Goes home.

p.s. Yay for mentioning Peter Shickele, Kizarvexius! My father and I are going to see PDQ Bach in December, it’s a yearly family event. :slight_smile:

Yes, it seems drummers do get the brunt of the musician jokes. (Being a guitar player, that’s fine with me).
Anyway, someone told me of an obituary about the late George Harrison which mentioned all the Beatles. (Quoting from memory about second-hand information here):
George represented the intellectual part of the Beatles.
John expressed the political side.
Paul always was the entertainment, performance, show-business aspect of the Beatles.
Ringo was the drummer.”

How do you get a musician to leave your doorstep?
You pay for the pizza.

What’s the difference between an accordian and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner for it to suck.

Q. What do you call a guy who hangs out with a bunch of musicians?

A. A drummer.


Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 100. 1 to change the light bulb, 99 to say “Eh, I could have done that.”

Q: How can you tell when a drummer’s platform is level?

A: Drool runs out of both sides of his mouth.

Q: What do a :insert musical instrument: and a SCUD missile have in common?

A: They’re both offensive and inaccurate.

Q: How do you make a drummer’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the “Dominoe’s Pizza” sign off the top

Q: How can a drummer get away with parking in a handicapped space?
A: He left his sticks on the dashboard

Q: How do drummer brain cell’s die?
A: Alone

Trombones do it in seven positions; Bass bones do it deeper (played bass bone in HS for 2 years :wink: ).