B-b-but these are EVIL pickles! … aren’t they?
mmmm pickles…
Yeah, plus broken glass – so all four tires go flat, and who’s laughing then, Mr. Smarty-Pants?
Just remember the outcome of the Wonder Woman vs a glass jar of black olives a few years ago…
I think we can all learn a lot from that…
I daresay Batman has enough glass-cutting equipment in his belt that he can easily create a secondary entrance to the pickles’ hideaway should the lid be too troublesome to open. Once they are removed from their briny habitat, Batman has the upper hand. He will introduce them to his BatUnPicklifier machine, and the resulting cucumbers will thank him for rescuing them from the mind control that is pickling. Batman wil then slice them thinly and have a tasty sandwich.
Batman defeats the pickles by proxy, but the pickles have the last word:
Batman is stymied by the jar of pickles, and hands it to his butler, Alfred. Alfred, knowing a thing or two about maintaining harmonious households, promptly turns over said jar, taps it decisively against a floor or countertop, upturns the jar, and unscrews the lid.
After complimenting his butler for his efficacy and offering Alfred a snack of the pickles (he wisely abstains), Batman then munches a couple of them before retiring, only to reappear later that evening as Bruce Wayne, who is hosting a black-tie-formal charity fundraiser at Wayne Manor.
A couple of hours into the gala, it becomes apparent that Bruce Wayne isn’t feeling quite right… he had forgotten that cucumbers always give him gas! Lots and lots of… Bat-gas!
Was this pre- or post-Crisis?
The pickles, easily!
The dynamic duo discover the jar of pickles in the Bat Cave, they’ll both be stumped trying to figure out which nefarious super villian would leave such an ingenious trap or clue for them to puzzle out.
“Holy Briny Brain-teasers, Batman!” exclaims the Boy Wonder.
After spending hours trying to decide if it was Penguin, Joker, Riddler, Two-Face, Catwoman or any of their other arch-enemies, Alfred will suddenly appear and explain that he left the jar of pickles in the Bat Cave. He couldn’t carry it and all the other groceries up to the pantry in stately Wayne Manor, so he decided to make two trips. Unfortunately, just as he started back for the jar of pickles, he was diverted by (fill in some rather mundane task that butlers are forever doing) and only just now was able to return to the task of retrieving the jar of pickles.
Both Batman and Robin will realize that they’ve reached the point where they’re taking everything as a clue or riddle to some crime and decide they both need a LONG vacation or retirement.
You obviously don’t hang out with the right crowd.
Batman faces off against the pickles.
The pickles beat the snot out of Batman, who narrowly escapes with his life, or is captured by the pickles, who place him in a deathtrap, which he narrowly escapes with his life.
Batman returns to the Batcave and recuperates while researching the pickles, developing a new gadget for bottle opening, and new anti-pickle tactics.
Batman goes out and confronts the pickles, opens the jar, eats the hell out of the little green sonsabitches, and then stands on a roof cornice, striking a cool pose, cape flapping in the wind.
The end.
Billy Barty as the Jar of Pickles!!!
Batman has a long history of tough battles against food products. Pickles are tough, true, but Batman beat The Steak. And these pickles ain’t no Steak.
Especially if it’s teamed up with horseradish.
How many character points are the pickles built on?
I suppose you are calling him a cousin? He is a cucumber, and not a pickle. If he joins the fight, I ammend my Batman prediction and take Larry Boy and the pickles to win due to Larry Boy’s Super Suction Ears. How the hell can you beat Super Suction Ears?
Holy misdirection, Batman! We’ve all been played for fools! It’s NOT the pickles in the jar… it’s the jar.
It’s the jar.
It’s the jar.
It’s t–!
The jarring revelation is that its Jar-Jar’s jar.
'Meesa got you now, Batfool!"
But if the pickles are bread and butter, he’s really screwed. The gas from those babies is extra potent.
Bats has no problem with the combo of mustard and horseradish if he brings the fixings for a roast beef sandwich.
Regarding Wonder Woman and the jar of olives. Don’t black olives come in a can, and green olives come in jars? So was the jar specially prepared to confound WW? A booby-trapped clue from the Riddler perhaps?
The tightly closed jar of pickles wins, as should be obvious.
Batman never destroys his enemies. Instead, he restrains them and hands them over to the Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane.
It’ll go down like this. Batman learns of the industrial brine accident at the Vlassic factory that turned otherwise innocent cucumbers into pickles - Undead vegetables that live far behind a cucumber’s natural life. The tightly closed jar of pickles is easily subdued by Batman due to his superior training and weaponry and arrives at Arkham a few minutes later. The good doctors are perplexed by the costumed freak with a bound and gagged tightly closed jar of pickles on their doorstep. After conferring among themselves, they decide that though Batman is obviously in need of some serious professional help, he’s not criminally insane as there are no laws covering bound and gagged food products and they send him and the jar away with a prescription for lithium.
Stymied, Batman returns to his lair. However, he will not be denied; the menace that is the tightly closed jar of pickles must be removed from society. Using the vast resources at his dsposal, Batman secures a Bat tighly closed jar of pickles containment unit (a device Alfred annoyingly insists on calling “the fridge”) for the batcave and installs the tightly closed jar of pickles on the second shelf.
And there it remains for the rest of his days. The tightly closed jar of pickles will outlast Batman. It will not spoil, it will not die, it will not relent. The tightly closed jar of pickles will sit there, silently mocking our hero until the day of his death.