Batman vs. a tightly closed jar of pickles

Who wins?

The jar if it is prepared.

Batman doesn’t open his own pickles. Alfred does that for him.

I say we grease the jar with Crisco for added giggles.

Well…
The pickles are green…

But, then, Batman has the Boy Wonder…
I need more information.

Are the pickles gherkin or polish? Is Batman nekkid or clothed? Is the battle inside a locked glovebox or at the local Y? Any Goths form Gotham City involved on either side? Witchcraft?

The pickles. On the whole, they’re thicker and longer than anything Batman can whip out.

Did I just type that?

I can’t believe I typed that.

“I’ll take Da’ Bears by thurdy” George Wendt on S.N.L.

Seriously though, as if this requires a serious thought at all, I think this is how it would play out:

The jar of pickles would roll on the floor in an attempt to escape Batman. He follows the pickles through a mysterious looking opening, and is suprised by a net that falls and traps him! The pickles then explain to Batman that he will be lowered into a vat of vinegar as the result of the sun shining through a window hitting a magnifying glass; the resulting heat on the ropes of the net causing them to snap one at a time. The pickles roll out the front door laughing evilly the entire time. Batman then somehow manages to reach his “Batknife” which he uses to cut himself free. He jumps into the Batmobile, and runs over the pickles in the middle of the street. The jar is crushed under the force of the vehicle, and the only thing left is the sour blood (juice) of the villians splattered across the highway.

Someone help me please!

A batknife? See, that’s what’s lame about Batman. They’re always whipping these prepopsterous contraptions out of his belt. “Batknife” indeed. Who ever hear of such a thing?

Batman is a veritable dues ex machina in his own right, right?

What if the pickles are Polish? And nuclear powered?

What then?

Huh?

Huh?

Then Batman will eat them all.
The menace is thwarted.
The end.

BUT… (cue TV theme music from 70s INCREDIBLE HULK)

"…caught in the heart of pickle induced heartburn, victim of nuclear powered dill gone wild – in times of stress, Bruce Wayne finds himself transformed into the dark personification of his repressed rage – Joel Schumacher’s Batman!!

Da DA da DA…!

Don’t you think Batman would be prepared for that?

Don’t forget to put some exlax in the brine. Y’know… for shits and giggles.

I’ll go back to my corner now. ::hangs head in shame::

HEY!! Batman never, never, kills anyone, no matter how stupid or deeply pickled.

I wanna know about what would happen in the battle of Batman Versus the Steak.

I hesitate to guess; has he set a precedent?

Say… you really care?

Oh please.

The jar of pickles wins (insomuch as a jar of pickles can be said to “do” anything). And I’m not even talking about a super-intelligent, genetically modified jar of pickles. I’m talking kosher dills. Sure, we’ve all heard the discussions on how Batman can best any opponent if he prepares sufficiently. To that I say: “Balderdash!”
Even if we ignore the fact that Batman is a deranged, incompetent, fashion disaster, the jar of pickles still maintains the upper hand. For you see, no amount of preparation, no years of training, and no silly gadgets can overcome the true power of the pickle. The pickles’ strength lies in this simple fact: they are delicious. Batman may be many things… but I have never heard him described as delicious.
Therefore:
Pickles = delicious.
Batman = lose.

Batman wins of course. All he has to do is take his BatSpoon and wedge it under the edge of the lid. pop The vacuum seal is broken and so are the wily pickles’ defenses. It’s only a matter of time after that.

If the pickles are Kryptonite pickles, then both Batman AND Superman are screwed. And as for Wonder Woman, well, women and opening jars …

This looks like a job for Aquaman. Or Gleek.

So I take it that Batman doesn’t stand a chance against a tightly closed jar of mustard?

Pickles… BAH!

You guys are missing an important point: Batman is totally dedicated to his crusade against the forces of darkness that cast their menacing pall of fear over his beloved Gotham.
He has neither time for nor interest in such mundanities of life as sex, friends, entertainment, hobbies… and you think he would bother with PICKLES???

Batman undoubtedly selects his food solely on the basis of its nutritional properties. Having researched the value of pickles as fuel for the superbly-trained instrument into which he has forged his body, Batman has long since dismissed such frivolous items from his menu.