How about adapting the Parable of the Lost Lamb from the Bible?
The Shepherd ,played by Mel Gibson,notices that one of his lambs is missing on a dark and stormy night.
Alone he goes out into the night ,soaked to the skin by torrential rain ,he is almost swept away by a river in flood ,he drags himself out of the water through thorn bushes which are set alight by a nearby lightening strike .
He hears the pitiful bleat of his lamb high up on a sheer cliff and painfully drags himself up to the lamb,ties it to him and then risking death every second climbs down again.
On the way home he kicks some sheep rustlers arses,barehandedly kills a lion and drives off a pack of wolves .
He gets back to his stone hut and takes his lamb inside where his family is waiting around a roaring fire .
He then kills and skins the lamb before roasting it over the fire and then as the whole family sit round muching mutton with lamb fat running down their cheeks they laugh as he recounts his adventures of the night.
Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Book: Mowgli is a whiny-assed bratty kid who does nothing except complain “But I don’t wanna go to the Man village” all the time. Kaa, instead of being Mowgli’s mightiest and wisest advisor who teaches him as he outgrows his old friend Baloo, spends the whole movie trying to eat him and failing in a number of inept ways. Hathi, the Master of the Jungle whom even Shere Khan heeds when the elephant tells him to clear off, is a dotty senile old twit who thinks he is a British Army colonel (and we can even use the Brits’ most exalted war decoration for comic relief!). And the monkeys can have a scat-singing orang-utan as their chief despite that whole different-species, different-landmasses thing going on there. Then we’ll spike all of Kipling’s original plot and just make the whole story about Bagheera dragging a reluctant man-cub back to his own kind.
Of Mice & Men- this time with animated mice and men as a Pixar production.
[Roger DeBris]Of course that whole final scene has to be rewritten… he kills the retarded guy? Excuse me![/Roger DeBris]
so this time it ends with Lenny and George opening the world’s largest rabbit farm, and the dances the rabbits will do…
The Nativity Story has been told and retold since the days of silent flickers and as recently as last season, but to my knowledge it’s never been told with the one thing that would truly make it a beloved seasonal classic accessible to children of all ages---- chimps! (If it works we can do the Garden of Eden, Joseph & his brothers, The Ten Commandments, the Passion, all of it- no end to the sequels!
Or, for that matter… Chimp Shakespeare- “The Seminal Simien Symbiosis of the Bard”! (I know, seminal and symbiosis don’t make a lot of sense, but they really sound good with simien and most people won’t know).
Reminds me of Gandhi in Celebrity Deathmatch; “You wanna mess with the Mahatma ?!”, after he kills Genghis Khan.
Green Eggs and Ham : The Communist Connection. In this version, renegade Russian scientists who have emigrated from the fallen USSR are behind an effort to sell a new product, green eggs and ham. The green color is due to it being infused with nanites that rewire the brains of those who eat it, turning God-fearing, beer drinking, capitalist Americans into atheistic, vodka swilling Commies. I envision scenes of people eating green eggs and ham fading into scenes of people carrying cases of vodka from liquor stores, or burning churches with an American flag dipped in gasoline. And everyone starts quoting Marx.
In the end they are exposed, but are spared when they accept Jesus as their personal Savior; an inspiring speech about the Glory of God and Jesus and how America, not Russia is God’s chosen place breaks the nanite’s control of it’s victims. In the final scene, everyone sits around eating normal eggs and ham, while the hero makes a speech about how they should have known better than to eat anything but Real American food; fades out with an image of a waving flag.
In MY version of Wuthering Heights, Catherine clocks Heathcliffe a good one and he falls off a cliff. She goes on to become independently wealthy by empowering Victorian women.
Gone With The Wind, Part Deux–Rhett drops dead, and it is discovered he bequeath his fortune half to Scarlett and half to Belle Watling. The two women live together to a ripe old age.
Scarlett’s daughter Ella marries Ashley’s son Beau, and Scarlett’s son Wade goes to work for Ashley and later moves in with him. They live together to a ripe old age.
Beloved - The Friendly Ghost. After being falsely accused of killing her baby, Sethe must defend herself in court because no one will take her case. Beloved, who was killed by the School teacher, is the only one that knows what really happened. Thankfully, Sethe is the only one who can see and hear Beloved. With Beloved’s help Sethe gathers the evidence necessary to prove her innocence.
Go Dog Go A tale of vengance, where the battered and scarred survivors of Michael Vick’s Bad Dawgz kennels join forces to take their revenge against their former masters.
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish Michael Moore’s new documentary on the devastation that factory fishing is causing to our oceans.
Judas (Kevin Sorbo) realizes his mistake at turning in Jesus (Stephen Segal). He gathers the other disciples together, and in an Entrapment style scheme they rescue Jesus from the Romans in a nick of time. Realizing they’ve been duped the Romans kidnap Mary Magdelein (Lucy Liu) and hold her hostage. Jesus and freinds then have to design a massive rescue operation (montage here).
After an angel tells Abraham to kill Isaac, the father and son go on a rampage through the Middle East trying to kill each other. After destroying Pharoh, Isaac raises the little Moses to be his son and comrade in arms. Little does Isaac know that Abraham freed the slaves and has armed them with Spartan weapons and training. (“Is this an Emancipation Proclamation?” “THIS IS SPARTA!”) Now it’s up to Isaac and Moses to lead a plucky band of Nubians, Confucian ninja monkeys, and camels to fight Abraham’s Grand Army of the Republic. After the climactic Battle of the Temple, featuring a giant flaming menorah used to spear invaders, God comes down and kills Isaac for not respecting his authoritah. (“Oh my God, you killed Isaac!” “You bastard!”) In the sequel, Hercules and Conan team up with Loki and a very sexy Athena (with grey eyes and tawny breasts) to rescue Isaac, Jesus, and Moses from a Hades run by Ambiguously Lesbian Duo Eris and Mithra.
Bob Arctor, a junkie gangbangin’ his way to the top in the Real OC, discovers a massive score of super-viagra Substance Dick. He must then fight the puritanical New-Path cult and the Men In Black to become the kingpin of the drug world and bang Donna, a classy ho from the block.
Is that different than the book? Oh, wait, your version doesn’t have sex scenes, unlike the book, which includes both man-on-woman scenes and dinosaur-on-man sex scenes.
A Clockwork Orange- In a not-to-distant-future, Alex a bright but rebellious graduate student spearheads a initiative to get genetically modified oranges into the European Union markets.
The Lord of the Rings: Arwen is a princess soon to be married to the wealthy, charming and manly Prince Aragorn and should be happy with her life, but can’t help but feel that he is not right for her. Eowyn is the daughter of Theoden, King of Rohan but her golden tresses are a wig over her short butch haircut, and she sneaks out of spinning and weaving classes to cross dress and go hunting with the King’s men. Galadriel is older and wiser than the others but feels, post menopause, somewhat bored by her fey and ineffectual husband, Lord Celeborn. Meanwhile, an alliance lead by Elrond, the Lord of the Ring and comprising also Aragorn and Theoden are engaging in a battle of testosterone fuelled posturing and threats against Sauron, and a destructive war seems likely.
Realising that Sauron’s issues stem largely from her complex relationship with her mother, the three women resolve to travel to Mordor to try to avert bloodshed.
During the journey, while Eowyn - the only one of the three with skill at arms - is away hunting for food Galadriel and Arwen are surprised by the Witch King of Angmar. In a disturbing, but at the same time highly emotional and touching scene, Galadriel overcomes the horror of her sexual abuse at the hands of her uncle as a child and offers herself to distract him from his intended rape of Arwen, who is a virgin. Afterwards, Eowyn returns and stabs the Witch King repeatedly in the lower abdomen, the camera close on his face as he dies in an ecstasy of pain. Galadriel is upset by this as, despite his abominable act toward her, she is against violence in any form.
Later, the women charm their way past the orcs guarding Mordor and (ultimately) into Sauron’s throne room by offering gifts of home grown lemons, herbal tea and vegetarian quiche. The three women approach Sauron’s throne hand in hand, Galadriel holding out, as a peace gesture, the heavy, love worn wedding ring of Sauron’s grandmother, which Sauron’s mother gave away to Elrond out of spite despite it being bequeathed to Sauron by her grandmother (to whom she had always been close).
Sauron accepts the gesture with tears welling up in her eyes and the four womyn form a lesbian peace collective and hold workshops devising plays to explore “Feminism at the Closing of the Third Age”
