Well, it’s a monologue interrupted, buy I present excerpts, to the best of my memory, of Alec Baldwin berating a bunch of poorly performing time sharing salesmen in Glengarry Glenn Ross:
The scene opens with Jack Lemmon getting a cup of coffee as Alec is winding up his pep talk:
"What is it, some woman won’t go out with you . . .you can’t get that guy to buy . . .
Put that coffee down!!!
Coffee is for closers only.
Your Levine, right?
You call yourself a salesman you sorry son of a bitch?
You think I am fucking with you? I am not fucking with you.
ED HARRIS: I don’t have to listen to this shit . .
You sure don’t pal!
Because the good news is your all fired!!! The bad news is you all have one week to get your jobs back, starting with tonight’s sit.
Oh, do I have your attention now? . .I am on a mission of mercy . . .I’ve been sent from downtown! There’s been a little something added to this month’s sales contest. As you all know, first prize is a brand new Cadillac Eldorado . . .second prize? A set of steak knives! Third prize? Your all fired!
ED HARRIS: Who the hell are you anyway?
FUCK YOU!!! That’s who I am!! . . .You drive a Hyundai while I drive a BMW, that’s who I am!!! . . .I made $970,000 last year . . how much did you make?
You have leads. Mitch and Murray paid good money for them so that you can call them and close them. If you can’t close these leads you can’t close shit, YOU ARE SHIT, HIT THE BRICKS BECAUSE YOU ARE GOING OUT!!!
JACK LEMMON: The leads are weak!
The leads are weak? THE LEADS ARE WEAK??? YOUR WEAK!!! People are out there, just waiting to give you their money!!! Are you going to take it? Are you MAN enough to take it?
GET MAD, YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!! You can’t take this abuse, you cocksuckers? Then how are you going to take the abuse you receive on a sit?
(into Alan Arkin’s ear) If you don’t like it . . .leave.
ABC . . ALWAYS BE CLOSING. . . AIDA . .ATTENTION-INTEREST . . DECISION . . ACTION . . A- do I have your attention? Interest- are you interested you’d better be because it’s fuck or walk . . decision . . HAVE YOU MADE YOUR DECSION FOR CHRIST??? . . .
There is only one thing that matters in this life, get them to sign on the line that is dotted!!!
ED HARRIS: Let me ask you this, your such a hotshot, with all this money and all, then why are you doing hanging out with a bunch of losers like us?
Your Moss right? See this watch, pal? This watch cost more than that piece of shit car you drove in tonight. That’s who I am pal, and that’s who you are.
And to answer your question, I came here as a favor to Mitch and Murray. But I told Mitch and Murray they could do ME a favor and fire your ass because a loser is a loser.
I could get on that phone tonight and make myself $50,000 with those leads. I advise you to do likewise gentlemen, otherwise you’ll be shining my shoes.
These are the Glengarry leads. To you, they are gold, and you don’t get them. To give them to you would be like throwing them away. They are for closers only.
It takes one thing to sell real estate gentlemen. . (pulls brass balls out of his suitcase).
. . .a bunch of losers, sitting in a bar, going, ‘yeah I used to be in sales. It’s a tough racket.’ (imitates taking a drink)
I’d wish you luck gentlemen, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it.