It’s the St. Crispins’ speech that gets me hot, but the others are close in the running! 
I’ve got a couple. Don’t remember the first one, but Brad Duriff’s rant in The Exorcist III, where he stops and looks at George C. Scott and says, “Oh, I’m sorry. Was I raving again?”
Another favorite one is in The Wrath of Khan where Kirk is desperately trying to whip a rabbit out of his ass and is lecturing Lt. Saavik:
Kirk: You have to know why things work on a starship.
Spock: Each ship has its own combination code.
Kirk: To prevent an enemy from doing what we’re attempting. To use our console to order Reliant to lower her shields.
Love using that on people when I’m explaining how this or that’s supposed to work on their computer or other thing. Totally weird’s them out.
Or the scenes in American Beauty where Lester’s talking to Brad, the new boss. Won’t post them here as I don’t remember them all, but I would love to use his, “How 'bout I throw in a little sexual harassment to boot.” routine at work one day!
Jack Nicholson as the Devil in The Witches of Eastwick, doing his “women” monologue.
Gabriel Byrne describing his dream (a literal dream, not a hope for the future) in MILLER’S CROSSING. “There’s nothing more ridiculous than a man chasing his hat,” which is the theme of the movie.
Frederic March in THE BEST DAYS OF OUR LIVES. He’s a banker who has just returned to work after fighting in WW2. On his first day back he is ordered to turn down a veteran who is applying for a house loan - the man has no collaterol. There is a dinner that night in March’s honor and his boss asks him to talk about his war experiences. Half drunk he gets up and says (approximately): “I remember one time my captain said to me ‘sergeant, we have to take that hill.’ I said: ‘Yes sir, what’s the collaterol?’
He said ‘What collaterol? There’s no collaterol.’ I said:
‘sorry, Captain. No collaterol, no hill.’ So we didn’t take the hill. And that’s how we lost the war. Thank you very much.”
The beginning of THAT SINKING FEELING. The hero, an unemployed young Scot is addressing a statue in a Glasgow park, talking about the responsibilities they share, seeing that the man the statue was based on had wealth and titles and the Scot had, well, several O levels. It is one of the funniest, bitterist, speeches I know.
Peter Riegert at the end of CROSSING DELANCEY telling Amy Irving why he stayed when she stood him up for their date.
“I even said a brucha. I said the brucha for planting new trees. I don’t know why.”
Sir Thomas More (who the hell was the actor?) in A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS: “When a man takes an oath he holds himself in his hands. If he opens his hands then he need never expect to find himself again.” (approximately.)
Woody Allen’s monologues to the camera in ANNIE HALL.
I was going to add the gold watch from PULP FICTION, but someone beat me to it. And I’m glad I’m not the only one who remembers that scene from ABSENCE OF MALICE.
No time to read this feast but enough time to be opinionated.
One movie only - “Badlands”, virtually any bit of Holly’s voiceover you like. Cissie Spacek flat and deadpan, and in places with the visuals it’s so damn droll.
HOLLY (v.o.): My mother died of pneumonia when I was just a kid. My father had kept their wedding cake in the freezer for ten whole years. After the funeral he gave it to the yardman… He tried to act cheerful, but he could never be consoled by the little stranger he found in his house. Then, one day, hoping to begin a new life away from the scene of all his memories, he moved us from Texas to Ft. Dupree, South Dakota.
HOLLY (v.o.): Kit made a solemn vow that he would always stand beside me and let nothing come between us. He wrote this out in writing, put the paper in a box with some of our little tokens and things, then sent it off in a balloon he’d found while on the garbage route. (pause) His heart was filled with longing as he watched it drift off. Something must’ve told him that we’d never live these days of happiness again, that they were gone forever.
HOLLY (v.o.): Kit and I were taken back to South Dakota. They kept him in solitary, so he didn’t have a chance to get acquainted with the other inmates, though he was sure they’d like him, especially the murderers. Myself, I got off with probation and a lot of nasty looks. Later I married the son of the lawyer who defended me. (pause) Kit went to sleep in the courtroom while his confession was being read, and he was sentenced to die in the electric chair. On a warm spring night, six months later, after donating his body to science, he did.
No just treat yourself - see the movie.
Or http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/8415/badlands.html
Paul Scofield, one of my favorite actors. (And A Man for All Seasons is a great movie. :))
Seconded.
Another for me would be Henry II’s monologue about his sons
(“He had three whiskered things, but he disowned them”) in The Lion in Winter.
Katisha beat me to posting Henry V’s speech before Agincourt as well…
Ooh! I forgot!
Robert Stack at the end of Airplane speaking through a microphone to (what he doesn’t know is) an empty cockpit.
“Have you ever fallen to the ground and been kicked in the face by an iron boot? Of course not. Nobody has. Forget I asked…I’m talking municipal bonds here!” etc.
Gene Wilder in The Producers, the speech that ends: “I want… I want… I want everything I’ve seen on TV!”
And then the fountains come on. Lovely…
Sally Field only needed one word in her most famous movie monologue:
"UNION"
-Terrence Mann, as portrayed by James Earl Jones
*Field of Dreams*
I love that movie so much, and baseball is and always will be my favorite sport. This one just gets me right there.
In the category of disturbing, but well-acted, monologues, I’d like to add Ralph Fiennes in Schindler’s List, the scene where he tries to “seduce” - if that’s the word - his Jewish servant, Helen. “I know you’re not a person in the strictest sense of the word…” <shiver>
Also, Liam Neeson’s speech at the end of the movie: “I could have gotten one more person…”
I’d also second the Alec Baldwin monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross, that was brilliant.
The Moonlight Graham monologue from Field of Dreams:
Here’s a few:
Jake Brigance’s (played by Matthew McConaughey) summation scene from “A Time to Kill” It was just excellent. I understand he did it in one take.
Darkness’ (Tim Curry) final scene from Legend “I am a part of you all…” I couldn’t find the complete speech.
Dr. Jed Hill (Alec Baldwin) from Malice “I have an M.D. from Harvard, I am board certified in cardio-thoracic medicine and trauma surgery, I have been awarded citations from seven different medical boards in New England, and I am never, ever sick at sea. So I ask you; when someone goes into that chapel and they fall on their knees and they pray to God that their wife doesn’t miscarry or that their daughter doesn’t bleed to death or that their mother doesn’t suffer acute neural trauma from postoperative shock, who do you think they’re praying to? Now, go ahead and read your Bible, Dennis, and you go to your church, and, with any luck, you might win the annual raffle, but if you’re looking for God, he was in operating room number two on November 17, and he doesn’t like to be second guessed. You ask me if I have a God complex. Let me tell you something: I am God.”
There were a few goodies in “The Usual Suspects” but I don’t remember them word for word.
How 'bout the Dr. Evil speech from the first Austin Powers? It’s so ridiculous, I love it.
- Dr. Evil: My father was a relentlessly self-improving
boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade
narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was
a 15 year old French prostitute named Chloe with
webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would
drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he
invented the question mark. Sometimes, he would
accuse chestnuts of being lazy - the sort of general
malaise that only the genius possess and the insane
lament. My childhood was typical: summers in
Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring, we’d make meat
helmets. When I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap
bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really.
Matthew Broderick, near the beginning of Ferris Bueller’s Day off;
I do have a test today
that wasn’t bullshit
It’s on European Socialism…
I mean, what’s the point?
I’m not European.
I don’t plan on being European.
So who gives a crap if their socialist?
They could be fascist anarchists for all I care
It still doesn’t change the fact that I don’t have a car.
Its not that I’m against socialism;
“ism’s,” in my opinion, are not good
I quote the late John Lennon, who said
“I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.”
He’s got a point there
After all, he was the Walrus
I could be the Walrus, but I’d still have to bum rides off people.
I love the end of “The Color Purple” when Celie is telling Mister that she’s leaving. Of course, I can’t for the life of me recall it word for word. But my favorite part is when she’s outside, getting into the car. She puts up her hand and tells him, “Everything you done to me…already done to you.” Tears me up every time.
I can’t believe that no one’s mentioned the 2 famous Nicolas Cage quotes from VAMPIRE’S KISS:
-“Alva, there is no one else in this entire office that I could possibly ask to share such a horrible job. You’re the lowest on the totem pole here, Alva. The lowest. Do you realize that? Every other secretary here has been here longer than you, Alva. Every one. And even if there was someone here who was here even one day longer than you, I still wouldn’t ask that person to partake in such a miserable job as long as you were around. That’s right, Alva. It’s a horrible, horrible job; sifting through old contract after old contract. I couldn’t think of a more horrible job if I wanted to. And you have to do it! You have to or I’ll fire you. You understand? Do you? Good.”
-Also, the monologue in which he reels off the alphabet to the psychiatrist. Anyone who’s seen it will remember it.
M. Emmett Walsh in BLOOD SIMPLE:
“The world is full of complainers. But the fact is, nothing comes with a guarantee. I don’t care if you’re the Pope of Rome, President of the United States or Man of the Year, something can all go wrong. But go ahead, complain, tell your problems to your neighbor, ask for help, and watch him fly. Now in Russia, they got it all mapped out so that everyone pulls for everyone else. That’s the theory anyway. But what I know about is Texas, and down here… you’re on your own.”
Ewan McGregor in TRAINSPOTTING on his alternative view of heroin:
“People think it’s all about misery and desperation and death and all that shite, which is not to be ignored, but what they forget is the pleasure of it. Otherwise we wouldn’t do it. After all, we’re not fucking stupid. At least, we’re not that fucking stupid. Take the best orgasm you ever had, multiply it by a thousand and you’re still nowhere near it. When you’re on junk you have only one worry: scoring. When you’re off it you are suddenly obliged to worry about all sorts of other shite. Got no money: can’t get pished. Got money: drinking too much. Can’t get a bird: no chance of a ride. Got a bird: too much hassle. You have to worry about bills, about food, about some football team that never fucking wins, about human relationships and all the things that really don’t matter when you’ve got a sincere and truthful junk habit.”
Blazing Saddles (1974)
Harvey Korman as Hedley Lamarr:
Someone mentioned that they had some trouble thinking of great monologues spoken by females…
Vivian Leigh, Gone with the Wind:
Marisa Tomei in [My Cousin Vinnie*:
Julia Roberts, Erin Brockovitch: