Best way to get felony conviction without much effort?

Let us imagine that someone wants to quickly rack up dozens and dozens of felony convictions, hell they want to get put away for decades maybe life. But they are also very moral and lazy, they don’t want to actually hurt anyone and they don’t want to have to put any effort into it, so ideally they would be able to get put away using nothing but a cheap PC or smartphone or even paper and pen.

What would be the best way?

I’m leaning towards either attempted conspiracy charges or conspiracy, send out some emails asking if federal prosecutors will go in with you on a money making opportunity to turn 20 million in cocaine into 40 million in cash by breaking it up and selling it. Apparently doing some research like google searches is enough to satisfy the requirement that a step be taken to commit the crime.

Alternatively in I believe the USA and Canada child porn covers even drawn artwork, comics basically that don’t involve any children. I suppose you could produce enough “child porn” in a few hours to get a hefty sentence.

“Terroristic Threats” take nothing but a phone. Call in a few bomb threats and some death threats to public officials. Leave caller ID unblocked, and use your own phone.

Beat me to it. I’d add threaten to kill the POTUS.

You could download kiddie porn from the comort of your living room. That’ll get ya some felony charges. You could e-mail images all over the place. They will breaking down your door before you can say ‘Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea’!

In the Vietnam era young men sometimes attempted a “soft” felony in order to make themselves ineligible for the draft. Apparently one of the more common dodges was to enter into a conspiracy to shoot a bald eagle. Note that they did not actually have to kill the bird, merely conspire to do so, then effect the charges, which generally did not carry a very heavy penalty.

Walk around town stealing letters out of people’s mailboxes, surreptitiously at first and more brazenly as time passes. You could also send out a hundred or so thinly veiled scam letters beseeching people to send you money (perhaps an old school pyramid scheme). Keep all the stolen letters and any responses from your scams in a shoebox on your coffee table, so when they eventually knock on your door with a search warrant they stumble upon evidence of dozens or hundreds of counts of mail fraud or interfering with the delivery of mail.

You could screen the mail you steal and never take “important looking” mail, so that no one got screwed over by missing a bill or payment, and keeping any cash you received with your responses would ensure that it was quickly returned to its rightful owner once it was used as evidence against you.

Typo Negative - I guess that WOULD be the one of the easiest ways to rack up long hard time; however the “moral felon” of the OP would need to do research so as to make sure he is downloading and relaying only old CP so he does not help cause new damage.

Eh, SCOTUS had repeatedly ruled, no child = no “child porn”; so instead there is a US statute for “obscene materials purporting to portray minors” and for “realistic simulations indistinguishable from real minors”, but so far it seems to have been used mostly in conjunction with* other* sex crimes or as a violation of terms of probation/parole, rarely on its own.
OTOH, let’s say the person in question is not interested in finding out if the stories are true about what general population immates do to convicts of pedophillic crimes, but has just determined that imprisonment is the alternative to spending old age in a refrigerator box under the overpass…
So let’s see, of all the various mail/phone felonies so far mentioned (and how come nobody suggests the hypothetical felon stop paying his taxes or bothering to file his returns honestly?), plus the element of conspiracy if he can involve more than one person… Heck, combine all that together and then on top of it post a manifesto about how your happy band’s series of misadventures are part of a campaign to cleanse America for your supremacist movement, or to achieve the independence of South Padre Island; now you’ve got seditious conspiracy!

Hack a top secret defense or intelligence site. Make a hamfisted attempt to sell the material to a foreign power. Uncle Sam will not be happy with you.

There have been far too many threats to the President which have been shrugged off.

Rob a bank, using the back of your own personalized deposit slip (the ones in the back of your checkbook) as the demand note. PD may be at your house before you get home.
Sadly, some real-life bank robbers have done this. :smack:

You could make shitty-looking counterfeit bills and try to use them, so that shop owners don’t fall for it but they do report you.

This was what I was going to suggest. Hand write a note that you have a gun. They’ll just give you a small amount of cash, and you’ll be set.

Wear something distinctive, and keep it at your house. Don’t wear gloves so the fingerprints are on the note.

The important thing though, is to rob about six banks before you do this. If you were ambitious you could do this all in one day, but since the OP specifies that you are lazy, you can do it over several days.

Need answers fast?

Defacing currency is a federal crime - I learned that watching the x-files.

Remove the tag off of a pillow.

Would wandering around far too close to area 51 qualify?(maybe even inside it - you could say it was some sort of protest against something or other)

Apologies for being serious in a fun thread, but here’s a real-life example:
A life sentence–for a woman who let a 13 year old boy touch her breast. Not even child porn–just “lewd behavior”.
Scary… and heartbreaking.

I once interviewed some guys just out of prison for a university assignment. They told me that the most despised prisoners were paedophiles. It was the average prisoner’s way of feeling better about themselves: they may have been violent, criminal assholes but at least they were better than goddamn paedophiles. And just to demonstrate what upstanding, paedophile hating members of society they were, they beat up paedophile prisoners at every opportunity.

So you might want to choose an option other than kiddy porn.

Easiest? Confess to previously committed acts.

Only if you are doing so for fraudulent purposes.

Copyright fraud?