This is another wrinkle. Don’t you want to commit a crime that is Federal, not state? (so you’ll go to a federal prison instead of a state one and be subjected to less abuse)
So the ideal crime has to be
Take minimal effort to commit.
Be Federal only in jurisdiction, so state prosecutors cannot charge you instead and send you to the state big house.
Not be something inmates will go out of their way to attack you over. (obviously, getting assaulted is a risk no matter what, but as mentioned certain crimes are much worse)
Be nonviolent and meet other criteria so you are sent to a Federal minimum security prison.
With these 4 constraints, this narrows things down enormously. Out of the tens of thousands of possible crimes, the list that meets all 4 criteria is much smaller.
I’m thinking that counterfeit stamps might qualify. Remember, it must not fall under state jurisdiction. Robbing a bank, for instance, may count under standard state “armed robbery” charges. Counterfeiting currency may count as fraud or some other state charge.
Maybe importing poached animal products or something?
[ol]
[li]Go to the home of an ex SO or ex-wife when they aren’t there and let yourself in with a key you aren’t supposed to have. Or break a window and get in that way[/li][li]Eat a bunch of food and get really drunk. Make a complete mess. Bonus points if you bring some illegal drugs and get high. Extra bonus points if you have enough time to order pornos on his/her cable[/li][li]Fall asleep[/li][li]When the police wake you up you are going to be arrested for several felonies. Bonus points if you go to the bathroom anywhere but the toilet in the home.[/li][/ol]
Congratulations, you’ll be arrested, and likely prosecuted, for breaking and entering, aggravated stalking and theft. Bonus points if you resist the police when they wake you up.
None of that sounds all that hard to plead down to misdemeanor charges. A good lawyer could argue you were drunk originally and in an altered state of mind when you decided to break in.
I know of 2 people who haven’t filed their income taxes in about 20 years each. One of them will never be able to make enough to file income taxes, but the other is selling a house and says that he’s never had a problem with the IRS messing with him because he didn’t sign an income tax return.
The IRS can’t audit everyone, but if he’s cheated the IRS for this long, he’s lucky.
Does anyone remain at a fire station when the firemen are out on a run? Because I could sneak in there and burn the building down, merely for irony’s sake.
Either that, or stick to opening other people’s mail and tearing off mattress tags.
As an attorney always says, it depends.
Upon if you:
[ol]
[li]Have any priors[/li][li]Resist arrest[/li][li]Hire a good attorney[/li][li]Are violating a restraining order[/li][li]Don’t act up in court[/li][/ol]
Too many variables to guarantee that it will be pleaded down.
Sounds like a lot of work, and it harms lots of people and is potentially dangerous. You have to get married and then divorced, buy some drugs, trash your ex’s house, hope you don’t get shot as an intruder, and fight with the cops.
If you want to fight with the cops while holding a bunch of drugs there are simpler ways.
It seems to me that you want to avoid any scenario that involves cops with drawn guns screaming at you to lie on your face with your hands behind your head. What you want is for your attorney to call the cops that you’re turning yourself in and you will be at the station directly.
