I never, EVER use the shared fridge/freezer in my residence hall because 1) EW! and 2) food thieves. But the res halls limit the size of the fridge we can keep in our dorm rooms, and sometimes I want a half gallon of cookie dough ice cream for the week.
So, I got that half gallon of cookie dough ice cream, labelled it appropriately, and stuck it in the shared freezer while crossing my fingers…
…and it was stolen sometime in the past few days. Lasted just a week.
And now I want revenge because, goddamnit, that was my fucking money and my fucking ice cream! One of my favorite flavors!
These food thieves obviously don’t show themselves – if I ever met one of them, I’d confront them. But if they’re going to be so damn stealthy, then I want to stealthily seek revenge.
Suggestions, anyone? So far a friend has told me to mix laxatives into ice cream. I like that idea. Said friend also suggested put pee in some juice – but that’s just gross (and not as awesome as inducing diarrhea).
I prefer some type of frozen food revenge – the shared fridge on my floor is actually a freezer – but I’m also considering planting a trap in the lobby fridge as well.
Your friend’s suggestions can earn you serious criminal charges in most jurisdictions. (Late with that observation, I see.)
When this was a concern for me, I opted more for dissuasion than revenge. I affixed an actual funeral home’s printed label to my lunchkit, identifying it as a temporary container for cremated remains. Juice in a specimen jar. Work a treat, and no statutes agin’ it.
Ever eat wild persimmons?
When fresh they contain an astringent that slowly
changes into sugars, turning from smooth orange to a wrinkeled black.
I would leave a big box of them in the fridge,
If anyone does take one it would be a pretty orange one.
no one would eat anything with my name on it after that.
even if I wanted them to.
If the food bandit really deserves a lesson — Purchase anyone of these fine hot sauces http://www.hotsauceworld.com/hothotsaucto.html or any other super hot habanera hot sauce. Put just a tiny dab on each side of the container, and then spread with a paper towel. Wipe off all excess. This doesn’t take much, just a really light film. Then place food in fridge.
Communal fridges usual smell a little funky, so they probably won’t realize the slight peppery smell is coming from your ice-cream or food item. When the culprit handles the container the hot sauce will transfer very nicely to his/her fingers. They will inevitably scratch their eye, nose, or pick their teeth. When they do so, they will be rewarded with a face that feels like they used liquid napalm for shaving gel. As an added bonus, you can identify the guilty party by a single watery puffy eye.
I have used this tactic at my communal work fridge, when we had a sandwich thief and it worked perfectly. Ironically enough, said tactic was born out of the same fridge. A co-worker had a bottle of Collin blow hot sauce which tipped over. He cleaned it up as best he could, but you can never get all of it, and it coated all the condiments in the fridge. I handled the mustard and scratched my eye, which instantly sent me to the sink with my face under the spigot.
Obviously wouldn’t do this if your suspected thief has a heart condition, but if the rascal is a fellow college kit who needs to be taught a lesson …
P.S. wear latex gloves or booby trap will backfire!
Peeing in jiuce maybe but laxatives? If I’d severe constipation and liked to mix my laxatives into my icecream to make it taste better there would be no problem. If someone then steals my icecream it’ll teach them a lesson.
I have been the victim of the hot sauce prank (it wasn’t a food theft issue, just a prank). That method works.
What I would recommend, is to get a small container of Ben & Jerrys and hot sauce up the top layer. You get to eat off the first inch or so, then mix it in so that its not visible. That way, whoever eats it gets the burn. And its got to be something crazy hot, Tabasco will not cut it. (or put in little slivers of habanero).
Watch out on dicing the habanero, that shit lingers on your fingers no matter how many times you wash your hands over the next 24 hours. I am not kidding.
Tainting with poisons or drugs is almost certainly illegal and could get you into big trouble. Think legal trouble, as well as eviction from the dorm and possible expulsion from the school. I would advise against this approach.
Sounds great, but if an innocent third part is shuffling food around in the fridge while looking for his own, he could become an unfortunate victim. Better to taint the food inside your container, where no one would be expected to probe unless they were most definitely stealing your food.
I’ve seen hot-sauce stores that carry pure capsaicin extract. Might this be devoid of hot-pepper (or hot-sauce) flavor/aroma? If so, this would be the ideal thing to sprinkle on top of the ice cream - undetectable until the thief puts it in his mouth. I think this would be legal: afterall, you are not surreptitiously administering a drug, the capsaicin is simply one food item added to another food item. If anyone asks, just say you like hot sauce on your ice cream, and if the the thief doesn’t like it, then maybe he ought not steal your particular ice cream. Or your sandwiches. Or anything else you happen to put in the community fridge.
I do like the haberno idea. Perhaps combine it with the laxative idea. You’d want laxative at the top so that he eats it before the pepper (he’ll stop eating when he gets to the hot stuff), then it’ll burn going in and coming out.
Do something horrible that puts him or her on edge without them actually having to eat the food.
For example, take a nice big shit in a hotdog bun. Then put that in a Styrofoam take-away container (enticingly labeled) along with a Post-it relaying your wish that he “Eat shit, and die”.
Clearly, the shit will not be mistaken for food, so you’ve no worries on that front. Instead, what will likely happen is the culprit will sneak the Styrofoam container back to their hidey-hole before opening it. Or better yet, they open it at the 'fridge. Either way you win, because they’ll be questioning what *could *be in the other food.
A nice squiggly line of ketchup would be a fun touch.
To avoid ethical and legal problems, and also save yourself some trouble down the line, here’s what I would do. Go ahead and contaminate the food with hot sauce or laxatives (nothing lethal, just in case). And put a prominent and secure label on the food that says, “Dear Food Thief: this item may or may not contain Ex Lax, habanero essence, or other undesirable ingredients. Please do not consume.” Actually put the stuff in a few times. After that, you just put the label on unadulterated food.
Of course, someone might just throw the food away to “get” you, but I’m pretty sure they won’t eat it.
I saw a good sign once - someone was stealing people’s milk and creamer at the office. A mom put up a sign informing the thief that s/he had taken (and presumably drunk) her breast milk.
I’ve been told that airline attendants (those who used to be called stewardesses) would seek retaliation against unruly passengers with a few squirts of Visine eye drops on a salad; is tasteless, odorless, and causes horrendous incontinence in a non-lethal fashion.
Revenge is nice, but unless you plan on never using the fridge again, you have to consider the possibility that the thief may exact their own revenge and they may not have the same worries about using ex-lax, etc.