Big Book of Losers revisited

I’ve been cleaning out my den. In my bookcase there I have a complete sets of large-format paperback books from Paradox Press (a division of DC) in a series called The Big Book of (Whatever). For Whatever substitute the book subject – Conspiracies, Martyrs, Urban Legends, etc. Each entry is covered by a one to five page comics strip by some (usually) noted illustrator. Sergio Aragones, Gahan Wilson, and even Phil Foglio have contributed bits to it.

While flipping through The Big Book of Losers (1997) I noticed that a couple of the “losers” really aren’t anymore. Just give an idea enou8gh time and it might actually be successful. Not people, of course, Milli Vanilli isn’t going to see their fortunes turned around (especially with Pilats dead), and the Edsel may be a collector’s item, but I don’t think anyone thought it was a success.

But “Smokeless Smokes” was an idea whose engineering hadn’t yet come. The R.J. Reynolds Premiere faux cigarette relied on burning and extraordinary suction, and failed. But it was only six years later that the first electronic cigarettes were introduced and were successful. All you needed was that electronic heating.

The Picturephone is another case of an idea whose time hadn’t yet come. The idea of uniting a live picture with the telephone is as old as the telephone itself. The principle was clear enough. What the problem was was having enough bandwidth to transmit a live television image. Bell Telephone struggled mightily to try to make it work in the 1960s and 1970s, but there wasn’t a way to make it cost effective and practical until the steady march of Moore’s law and the installation of the internet system made it possible. Now we have Zoom and Webex and Google Teams and other systems to give you in reality what the promoters had been promising all these years.
The BBoL piece ends with a set of down sides to the picture phone – embarrassing revelations, obscene calls, over-the-phone parenting, that aren’t that different from the kinds of things Mad had suggested in an article circa 1960 . Now that Zoom has arrived we know about embarrassing revelation and the like, but they haven’t killed the system.

I’m not sure saying “it would have worked except the engineering hadn’t caught up with the idea” really excuses the idea from being a failure.

After all, there are wonderful, technically feasible ideas like flying cars, which turn out to be completely impractical in real life, as well as almost feasible ideas like cold fusion, which has always been just 25 years or so away from being reality.

So the geniuses at Bell invented a picturephone that wouldn’t work with current technology. You could say the same thing about perpetual motion, or miracle carburetors that would deliver 200 miles per gallon. Moore’s Law was a prediction, not a law of physics, and the Arpanet of 1969 didn’t have any more bandwidth than the telephone line the Picturephone didn’t work with.

Somebody donated this book, which was originally published in 1914, to the library where I volunteer. It’s not especially valuable, but we do refuse to sell it.

I distinctly recall seeing a Panasonic picture phone at Lechmere in the 80s. It had a grainy black and white screen with impressive lag. Both ends needed to have the same phone. I’m guessing they connected at 4800 or 9600 baud. Even as a kid, I thought it to perform so poorly as to wonder why anyone would want it (they had a display with two connected together).

No, you can’t. The picturephone was ahead of its time and just needed technology to catch up with it. That is not the case at all with perpetual motion, which defies the laws of physics and will always be a bad idea.