I did a cursory search through CS, and didn’t find many detailed references to this POS, but as I saw it for the first time the other day, I thought I’d post about it.
Spoilers follow.
This was a made-for-SciFi movie starring Judd Nelson and Kristy Swanson. I like both actors, so I figured “How could I go wrong?”
Hoo baby. Looks like some has-beens needed to pay the rent.
Here’s the story. See if you can spot the bad science:
The Chinese were getting far ahead of the US in particle research. So a scientist at a particle acceleration lab near St. Louis tweaked an experiment to beat those nasty Chinese. Oops, he accidentally created a Black Hole in the basement. A few technicians confirmed that it was, indeed, a black hole, because it was attracting all metal objects in the basement. Except, of course, the security cameras. They were just fine.
Swanson was concerned, so she called Nelson, a scientist who was fired from Science, and has since delved deeply into experiments with massive EtoH consumption. But hey, black hole in the basement, sounds like fun, right? So he showed up to deal with it.
The Government, specifically Homeland Security and the POTUS were ready to respond. They were ready to use nuclear force against the thing if necessary. “No!”, shouted Nelson. “That will just feed it! And it might split into two, three, or even five of those things! They could take out half of St. Louis!”
At any rate, they figured out that the black hole would breach the containment wall in exactly three hours. Of course, there was a handy giant digital countdown clock right there on the table, reading 03:00:00.
But the black hole was feeding. It was hungry for exactly what black holes want to eat, electricity.
Ah, but that’s not quite right. It turns out that the Big Bad Black Hole was a gateway for a creature from another planet. “It travelled from the black hole on its own planet!” And it was travelling along power lines. They had to stop the thing before it got to the main power station.
So they followed it. They discovered that it was also attracted to sound. “Most of space has no air, so no sound, so maybe it likes to eat those frequencies!” Sure enough, Nelson bore out his prediction by triggering the door lock on his SUV, which became the critter’s next meal.
So how to deal? The Government was still hell bent on nuking all of St. Louis. Nelson knew better. He figured out that if he could bring the creature and the Black Hole together, they would mutually anihilate. He proposed that they fill a large storage container with coils, power it up, then trap the creature inside. Then they could just airlift it to the Black Hole and Bob’s your uncle. Simple, right?
In the meantime, the Black Hole was eating St. Loius. “Oh noes, it just ate the arch!” Nelson’s estranged wife and daughter watched in horror from the steps of City Hall.
But the Army was all over the creature. They locked, they loaded. The commander ordered his troops to “SHUT UP! WE DON’T WANT IT HEAR US! OH NOES! COMMAND, WE’VE BEEN SPOTTED! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?” So they shot at the thing. Everyone who shot got “eaten” by the creature. And yet, they continued to shoot.
And the creature got mad. It destroyed the storage container.
Nelson then got a great idea. They’d fill a truck with electic stuff, and he personally would drive it to the black hole. Of course, he’s jump out at the last minute. And of course, he’d have to beat the bombers that were en route to nuking the thing. The President, of course, had already addressed the country about how the Brave Citizens of St. Louis gave their lives to save large parts of Missouri.
Part of the plan was to shut power off in the entire city, an idea that Nelson finally thought of. No one else did. As he drove the truck through the city, we could see all of the pretty street lights and neon signs still on. I guess that neighborhood had an emergency generator.
Nelson’s plan, of course, worked. There was a big explosion, everything was alright, and all were reunited. The once-evil general flew over the site in a helicopter, and cheerily commented “Well, now St. Louis has a lot of nice new beach-front property!”
Everyone hugged.
THE END
Thanks! I love watching bad made-for-TV movies and summarizing the plots. It gets all the snark out of my system.