Black Hole (2006 made for TV)

I did a cursory search through CS, and didn’t find many detailed references to this POS, but as I saw it for the first time the other day, I thought I’d post about it.

Spoilers follow.

This was a made-for-SciFi movie starring Judd Nelson and Kristy Swanson. I like both actors, so I figured “How could I go wrong?”

Hoo baby. Looks like some has-beens needed to pay the rent.

Here’s the story. See if you can spot the bad science:

The Chinese were getting far ahead of the US in particle research. So a scientist at a particle acceleration lab near St. Louis tweaked an experiment to beat those nasty Chinese. Oops, he accidentally created a Black Hole in the basement. A few technicians confirmed that it was, indeed, a black hole, because it was attracting all metal objects in the basement. Except, of course, the security cameras. They were just fine.

Swanson was concerned, so she called Nelson, a scientist who was fired from Science, and has since delved deeply into experiments with massive EtoH consumption. But hey, black hole in the basement, sounds like fun, right? So he showed up to deal with it.

The Government, specifically Homeland Security and the POTUS were ready to respond. They were ready to use nuclear force against the thing if necessary. “No!”, shouted Nelson. “That will just feed it! And it might split into two, three, or even five of those things! They could take out half of St. Louis!”

At any rate, they figured out that the black hole would breach the containment wall in exactly three hours. Of course, there was a handy giant digital countdown clock right there on the table, reading 03:00:00.

But the black hole was feeding. It was hungry for exactly what black holes want to eat, electricity.

Ah, but that’s not quite right. It turns out that the Big Bad Black Hole was a gateway for a creature from another planet. “It travelled from the black hole on its own planet!” And it was travelling along power lines. They had to stop the thing before it got to the main power station.

So they followed it. They discovered that it was also attracted to sound. “Most of space has no air, so no sound, so maybe it likes to eat those frequencies!” Sure enough, Nelson bore out his prediction by triggering the door lock on his SUV, which became the critter’s next meal.

So how to deal? The Government was still hell bent on nuking all of St. Louis. Nelson knew better. He figured out that if he could bring the creature and the Black Hole together, they would mutually anihilate. He proposed that they fill a large storage container with coils, power it up, then trap the creature inside. Then they could just airlift it to the Black Hole and Bob’s your uncle. Simple, right?

In the meantime, the Black Hole was eating St. Loius. “Oh noes, it just ate the arch!” Nelson’s estranged wife and daughter watched in horror from the steps of City Hall.

But the Army was all over the creature. They locked, they loaded. The commander ordered his troops to “SHUT UP! WE DON’T WANT IT HEAR US! OH NOES! COMMAND, WE’VE BEEN SPOTTED! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!?” So they shot at the thing. Everyone who shot got “eaten” by the creature. And yet, they continued to shoot.

And the creature got mad. It destroyed the storage container.

Nelson then got a great idea. They’d fill a truck with electic stuff, and he personally would drive it to the black hole. Of course, he’s jump out at the last minute. And of course, he’d have to beat the bombers that were en route to nuking the thing. The President, of course, had already addressed the country about how the Brave Citizens of St. Louis gave their lives to save large parts of Missouri.

Part of the plan was to shut power off in the entire city, an idea that Nelson finally thought of. No one else did. As he drove the truck through the city, we could see all of the pretty street lights and neon signs still on. I guess that neighborhood had an emergency generator.

Nelson’s plan, of course, worked. There was a big explosion, everything was alright, and all were reunited. The once-evil general flew over the site in a helicopter, and cheerily commented “Well, now St. Louis has a lot of nice new beach-front property!”

Everyone hugged.


…science makes my brain hurt…

I was there with you. This thing was awesome. This was even better than the one two weeks ago where the evil building contractor was using ‘tidal’ waves to destroy Boston. I told my wife that any movie where they create a Black Hole on Earth three minutes into the movie shouldn’t last longer than 3.001 minutes.

Seriously, people need to see this scene to believe it. They scream about turning the power off and then drive through what looks like Electricity City on Christmas Eve with millions of beautiful lights twinkling brightly in every direction. No digitial effects, no dark filters, just complete and utter contempt for the audience and maybe the faint hope that everyone who watched the movie would be blinded by stupidity by then.

Kristy Swanson as a scientist should be made the new Denise-Richards-as-a-nuclear-physicist role model for bad casting. Her kissing what’s his name might go down as the single most unromantic kiss in silver screen history. Truly awesome.

Are you serious? Did you see his serial-killer-who-keeps-his-victims-underwater travesty, or better yet, its sequel?!

Anyway, this movie sounds Brilliant! Is it coming on again soon, I simply must see it!

That was a truly enjoyable synopsis. I think I saw this once, and had blocked it out, it was so awful.

And yet, it’s about 12,000 times better than Alien Apocalypse, the worst SciFi movie evah! Seriously, it’s like *Manos *bad.

I was waiting for Kristy to go all Buffy on that black hole’s ass, and for Judd to out cool it by telling it how he got a carton of cigarettes for Christmas.

I loved how Nelson went to rescue his wife and daughter, and how the wife’s reaction was “You didn’t tell me she’d be here!”

Watching that was like the closest I’ve ever come to a drug hallucination. Because, you know, everything was shot locally in St. Louis, but bizarrely re-purposed.

The Science Center? became the super-seekrit black hole lab. snerk

Their downtown command center was, hmm… the Library? Post Office? Courthouse? It’s been a while, but it was funny.

Judd racing madly after the electricity monster… in South St. Louis. Near the River Des Peres, from what it looked like.

Lurid shots of traffic jams of people evacuating St. Louis… were shots of normal rush-hours, at the same overpasses we see every night on the news when they go to a livecast of traffic on I-70, 44, or 270.

It was a hoot. I called up several friends while watching it the first time, and commanded that they turn it on too. We had these surreal phone conversations back and forth.

“OMG. Is that the… Science Center? Black holes, seriously?”

“Oooh, rush-hour on I-70! No one will ever survive that!”

“Wow, Judd looks kinda… puffy.”

“Hey! It’s the South Side! Call Steve and tell him we’re waving at his mom, that’s probably her house the electrodoodle is threatening!”

Good times.

Sorry, anything with Bruce Campbell in it gets an automatic pass. Double points when he has a mustache.

:slight_smile: Thanks! I love watching bad made-for-TV movies and summarizing the plots. It gets all the snark out of my system.

Mmmm… bullet review.

Wow…I gotta see this steaming pile of celluloid!

Scary thing is, I think it might be even worse than the Disney film of the same name!

That, sir, is one comparison I am not prepared to undertake.

I’m stil baffled by the whole beach front property thing. As we all know, the continents merely float upon a globe of water. Dig a big enough hole, and we got us a oshun!

Honey, you don’t have to tell me. I love Bruce,* which is how we came to watch the movie in the first place. And still, I thought the movie was so painfully awful, it was nearly unwatchable!

*In fact he’s on my “marital vows may be suspended” list.

Those were horrible except for the cool song.

Next watch Raptor Island!

[Squee!] I saw this steamer for the first time as well. Excellent synopsis. Watching the black hole munch its way through St. Louis a block at a time was pure joy.

But, but, we have Dopers in St. Louis! Are we sure they are okay?

This is fucking awesome. Put it on a treadmill and I’m totally there. :smiley:

If you ever want to torture me, Clockwork Orange me in the same room as that movie. shudder Just reading that synopsis was painful enough.

Chronos you finished reading it? I had to skip through, because it was hurting me so much. (shuddering)

That movie was based on a true story right?