I don’t know if there are rules against copying text from one MB to another, but this appeared on in a Mr. Cranky forum and I thought it was hilarious (and so appropriate to this discussion) that I had to share. May the copyright gods have mercy on my soul.
From www.mrcranky.com :
Lucas Announces new Episode 2 characters!
Posted by: bw@hatemail.com (blitzwing)
BEWARE SPOILERS BELOW
In a stunning move, Star Wars mastermind George Lucas has released a revealing sneak peek at several new characters created in anticipation of Episode 2: The Next One.
Following the tradition of Jar Jar Binks, a character with a distinct Caribbean heritage, Lucas says his ILM creative team has drawn each of the new characters from other “hilarious world cultures.” He explained, “Considering the success of cheesy racial stereotypes in my past films, it was only natural to expand the Star Wars universe to offend as many racial and ethnic groups as possible.”
The first new character, Whitey Bigfro, is envisioned by Lucas as an outcast member of the Waspasoids, a wealthy species of albino cave-dwellers. Early in episode 2, Bigfro develops a bizarre obsession for Jar Jar Binks, and quickly begins to copy Gungan slang, fashion and music. 90210’s Brian Austin Green has already been cast in the role.
Lucas plans to use a combination of live-action and CGI to create the next character, Vinnie the Hutt, Capo de Capo of all Hutts in the entire galaxy. ILM sources reveal that Jabba’s gargantuan Godfather made his first millions by muscling his way into the sex-droid racket and then consolidated his power by seizing control of the lucrative Wookie casino cartel. The sources go on to describe Vinnie as “a 20 ton behemoth who maintains his enormous girth through a steady diet of Ewok ravioli.” Lucas has considered offering the role to Oscar-winning actor Marlon Brando, but the director worries that “even current computer graphics technology may not be able to make [Brando] look thin enough [to play a Hutt].”
Another new character is the “hygenically challenged spice dealer” Paco Bell, who hails from what Lucas described as “the seedy East side of Coruscant.” He added “The rebellion initially recruits Paco to smuggle illegal ‘aliens’ over Republic borders. However the situation becomes much more complicated when one of his passengers wins billions in the Imperial lottery.” When asked about possible casting options, Lucas responded “Imagine Erik Estrada in a Han Solo outfit.”
The next character is Polska Kelbazza - clumsily inept Imperial Admiral. Lucas had little to say about this chracter other than “he’s most notable for ordering a screen door be installed on every Imperial Star Destroyer.” Lucas hints that Kelbazza may also be responsible for designing the ventillation shaft that enabled Luke Skywalker to destroy the Death Star with a single shot. Lucas says he’s leaning toward casting Rodney Dangerfield as the Admiral, but only if the famous comedian can “develop the British accent required of all Imperial officers.”
The final new TNO personality is Dirk Starflamer, the first openly gay non-droid, non-Jar Jar character in the Star Wars universe. Lucas had originally planned to include this flamboyant Jedi, who weilds a purple triangular-shaped light saber, in the original film. But due to the oppresive attitude at the time towards homosexuality in children’s movies, he was forced to abandon the character. Early unsubstantiated reports indicate that in TNO’s climactic final scene, Starflamer shockingly reveals that he is Anakin’s long-lost father. 20th-Century Fox had singled the role down to two possible actors: Tom Hanks, in a reprisal of his Academy Award winning role in ‘Philadephia’, and Kevin Spacey, a well-known closeted Hollywood homosexual. But both actors were rejected by Lucas for being “nowhere near queer enough.”
When asked why Lucas would release such surprisingly candid information about a film series that has in the past been shrouded in secrecy, insiders speculated that toy manufacturers may have ordered the move. “The merchandisers desperately want to start the building the hype early for [the blockbuster sequel]” revealed a source who wishes to remain anonymous.
“That’s utterly ridiculous, I have total creative control. I would never sell out my fans. The marketing guys have no influence whatsoever,” insisted Lucas, as he hurried to board his private jet on route to a “totally unrelated” meeting with Pepsico executives.
“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy