I replaced my too bright blue clock a few weeks ago. The blue clock was free, I found it sitting on the curb along with some really kickass pimp shoes* that my friend took and an old suitcase that we suspect contained the dismembered corpse of a prostitute. Or perhaps was full of cocaine left forgotten in some junkie’s attic since 1978. Or it might have been coated in Hanta virus infected rat urine. Quite possibly all of the above. Anyway, it exuded bad vibes, so we gave it a wide berth.
I should have left the clock there too, but I wound up keeping it for very long time. Part of the appeal was that it’s quite clearly a hotel-grade alarm clock that someone somehow got off the steel mounting plate it was screwed down to. It’s damn near indestructable.
It’s one of the ones with a switch that goes from GODAMNTHATSBRIGHT to less bright but is still too bright in a dark room. Eventually my girlfriend got sick of me pushing it off the back of the nightstand (a nightly ritual) and made me get a new clock. I grabbed one that looked promising at Costco. It also claimed to have “nature sounds”, which I’m interested in, since I sleep with a fan on most of the time, and the idea of replacing that white noise source with something that uses less electricity is appealing.
It’s an LCD that’s backlit by green Indiglo. I didn’t realize how sensitive my eyes are to green light, but even at it’s darkest setting, I can see it through my eyelids. Which means it gets turned around and eventually pushed off the back of the nightstand like the blue clock. It’s also got a “light sensor” that behaves in the exact opposite way I want it to - as it gets darker in the room, the light sensor makes the clock get brighter. This is a feature I look for in outdoor security lighting, not in alarm clocks.
The “nature sounds” are apparently recorded in the wilds of the planet Roboton IV, where everything is a machine, including the ocean waves and the seagulls. Remember the sound effect when all your cities were wiped out in “Missile Command” on the Atari 2600? That’s what the ocean waves sound like. I can’t even explain how the frogs sound. I think they’re supposed to be frogs, they may be crickets, or some sort of screeching tree dwelling simian native to whatever southeast asian nation that this sound chip was produced in. It’s hard to tell.
Next time I get a chance, I’m getting the most cheapass red LED alarm clock I can find. No nifty features, no radio, no CD player, no snooze bar that opens a menu detailing your various snoozing options, no stolen property. Just a nice, soft red glow, and an alarm that goes beeep-beeep-beeep. That’s it.
*Serious. They were size 14 psuedo-wingtips that were made of this not-quite dayglo orange pleather that had a faux woodgrain/possibly some sort of attempt at reptile skin texture to it. They were solid.