A certain relative of mine could be described as a screw-up. The thing is, she OWNS it. She appears to take great pride in bouncing through life with little concern for her appearance to the rest of the world. For example, she’s currently pregnant by a dude she considers a total douchebag, and has forfeited her lifelong career goals. By all accounts, she’s thrilled with life.
Then there’s me. I work hard, am extremely responsible, and ridicuously cordial. And yet, I can’t form a goddamn friendship, let alone a romance. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without zeroing in on inconsequential screwups, minute interactions that could have gone better, and thoughts of relatives that could be described as screw-ups.
Really, I’m glad my sister is happy. But I greatly envy the brain chemistry that allows one to find peace with oneself.
Oh dear God… I appear to be some sort of unnatural hybrid of your sister and your personalities!
Alas!
Seriously, though, I feel your pain. I think the whole social-interaction thing is largely ruled by pheromones, though we’re almost entirely unconscious of it.
I have a friend that is constantly chasing happiness. He’s always depressed because he can’t seem to grab it by the tail. He complains about his job, his relationships, his family, his finances, blah-blah-blah… so he chases and chases and chases what he thinks is some kind of tangible thing he can bottle up and rub all over his life.
Happiness is about letting go. All your romantic ideas you had about your life when you were young, and your insecurities you think everyone is so focused on, how hard you have to work to support all that crap you think you want. It’s not real. Dreams can come true, but it’s nothing you can force. My friend is so focused on the horizon, he’s completely missing the scenery.
Let your life grow organically, don’t try and force it. Don’t try and chase it. Because it’s nothing you can catch, only something that will come to you if you’re still enough.
The chemistry of your brain isn’t your inevitable destiny. If you’re really having a hard time finding peace in life, you might want to look into finding a therapist who can help you learn how to deal with those overly negative and critical thoughts.
Your sister is right about one thing: It does help to try not to worry too much about what other people think of how you’re living your life. It’s your life, so live it the way that makes you happy. The other people out there aren’t paying nearly as much attention to you or dwelling on your failures as much as you think they are.
It’s your life, so live it the way that makes you happy. The other people out there aren’t paying nearly as much attention to you or dwelling on your failures as much as you think they are.