Brand Spankin' New Bible chapters

How can I get a chapter into the Bible? Say, for instance, I claimed that I’ve been talking to God, and ip wants me to write a couple of things down for ip. How would I go about publishing these and getting these into any of the Bible versions.

I wouldn’t be interested in starting a cult (or occult whatever), just adding appenixes or amendments, or whatever to the existing versions. Lots of people wrote thier parts many years after Christ, and surely there were some books that didn’t make the cut.

I’m sure no one would take me seriously, so how could I get enough credibility?
Where would I start?

We’re all here, because we’re not all there!

Interesting question. My bet would be to convince as many people as possible that you were the genuine article and then start a sect whose major commandment is “Thou shalt have a truckload of kids.” This seems to have worked once or twice in the past.

Sorry, but starting your own cult and/or branch religion is about the only way to get your prose into the Good Book. (Or rather, your Good Book.)

Maybe this way: transcribe your work onto really old-looking paper scrolls and hide them in some caves in the Holy Land. Whenever the someday arrives that someone finds them, they might be considered as missing Bible books.

And just a suggestion on your writings: throw in some good jokes. The few in the current version are rather lame. (see Judges Ch. 14)

Well,I think you’d have to be Jewish,or 1,999 years old! You’d have to have written proof(and see how easy that would be!)

There is no way to get any more books into the bible. People say “A Bible! A Bible! we have got a Bible, and we need no more Bible!”

The Bible hasn’t had anything added in a LONG time, and no more will be. To read more scripture, you will have to look to other sources.

– Karl Butcher
Y2K compliant since 1836

Well, first you claim that you were contacted by an angel named Moroni; then you claim that he showed you where dig underneath a tree, to reveal some hidden books written in a strange language inscribed on golden plates. Along with these books was a Captain Midnight Secret Decoder Ring (free in boxes of Cap’n Crunch) which enabled you to translate the golden books, and…voila! Now you are offering this priceless truth to the world.

At least, that’s the way Joseph Smith did it…


What a great joke that is in Judges 14! Ha Ha Ha! At Samson’s wedding his new wife gets him to tell her the answer to a riddle he has asked her countrymen. A wager of 30 robes is involved. She tells the countrymen, who thus win the bet (they had threatened to kill her and her family otherwise). It continues:

Ha Ha! That Samson! But wait, there’s more!

Does the fun ever stop?

Jeez, Pickman, that’s a little out of character for you. I don’t believe the Mormons consider the Book of Mormon to be part of the Bible, but rather an adjunct to it (though God knows I’ll be corrected if I’m wrong.

Doesn’t Revelation say something to the effect that nothing shall be added or subtracted from the Bible, or am I misremembering? Not all Bibles are identical, anyway; some contain books other versions do not, notably the Apocrypyha.

Getting something into the Bible would require a time machine, or else your own denomination which accepts the First Book of Metroshane as a part of the Bible.

Good catches, Jodi. LDS, IIRC, accept four Books as inspired scripture: Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and Doctrine and Covenants. (The last would remind you immensely of the Book of Discipline, if you happen to have run into that as a Methodist. But it is supposed to be inspired.)

The assortment of books like Judith, Wisdom of Solomon, and I and II Maccabees that are found in some Bibles but not others are regarded as (a) interesting but not of any religious value by Jews (AFAIK) and most Protestants, (b) canonical scripture by Catholics and Orthodox - the term is “the deuterocanonical books” - and © Scripture J.G. by Anglicans and Methodists – they may “be profitably read for instruction in faith and morals, but no doctrine is to be founded on them.” (This is a not-quite-verbatim quote from the Articles of Religion.) The common lectionary does have a couple of readings from it as O.T. lessons. Methodists, at least when I was one, make almost no use of the Apocrypha; Anglicans, only marginally more. But they are considered a step above most religious writing, if not quite on a par with the standard protocanonical O.T. and the N.T.

Doesn’t Revelation say something to the effect that nothing shall be added or subtracted from the Bible, or am I misremembering

Personally, i never read that part, but don’t doubt it. it would be a good clause to add if you never want to be challenged.

so it seems that all i have to do is write it up and publish it, and the hard part would be getting people to believe it?

We’re all here, because we’re not all there!

It may not be possible to add new books, but what about replacing text in existing books? In this way, Genesis could be simply revised to tell a story in which God created a universe using an evolutionary process. For humor, Samson would be replaced with Andrew Dice Clay, etc. Just, you know, don’t tell anybody. If anybody objects, just say yours is the original version, the others are clever fakes. Can they prove you wrong? Perhaps, but if so you simply avoid them and keep pushing your version.

Extending this further, you could write a Holy Bible, 2nd Ed. updated with all new stories!

To give it that traditional patriarchal flavor, hire Comedy Central’s Man Show writers as consultants. The Song of Solomon would be replaced by a “Girls on Trampolines” photo layout, and instead of holy wars, you’d have discussions of key sports playoff games featuring heros saying “I jez’ thang Jesus fer dis ween.” As for the undefeated Moses, can we say Dynasty?!

I wonder, if you had a bible with a completely fake chapter, how many people you could fool, even some ministers. It could have a book called Thaddeus between Micah and Nahum. Then you could quote whatever it says and show it right in the book! Or just give it to them as a gift, then later make references to the wisdom of the book of Thaddeus.

“Hmm,” they say, “It says ‘OJ did it.’”
“Yeah. Eerie, huh?”

Go for it.

PM: “a strange language written on golden plates”?? Be nice. It was, on Joseph Smith’s own testimony, Reformed Egyptian. C’mon, we have people who post to this board in that, even today. :smiley:

Thaddeus has his own book, in the standard Bible. He just used one of his other names for it. It’s stuck in just before Revelation. Of course, there are charges that he plagiarized it from Peter. Or vice versa.

(This is not a joke post, despite the flippant tone.)

I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book: If anyone adds anything to them, god will add to him the plagues described in this book. And if anyone takes words away from this book, God will take away from him his share in the tree of life and in the holy city, which are described in this book. - Revelation 22:18-19

However, “this book” refers to the Book of Revelation, not the Bible as a whole which did not exist yet (at least not as a bound collection of OT and NT scriptures). So, it doesn’t seal out the inclusion of new books into the Bible. However, no one is going to get anything new added in, I’m afraid. I’m pretty sure all the major branches of Christianity are happy with their Bibles and aren’t planning on revising them any time soon.

“I guess it is possible for one person to make a difference, although most of the time they probably shouldn’t.”

Maybe i should read the Bible before changing it, but then again if God were talking to me directly, then I wouldn’t really need to read the existing Bibles because ip already knows what’s in them.

We’re all here, because we’re not all there!

Well, actually the oldest parts of the Bible, the Torah has a line about not adding nor taking away from the text, I think it’s in Deuteronomy (I’m on the road, so working from memory here).

And, Alex, yes, the Biblical writers definitely have a sense of humour… sometimes hard for moderns to understand.

The David/Goliath story in the Book of Samuel, for instance, has its share of slapstick. David says he’ll go out to face Goliath; they put armour on him, and he topples over from the weight.

Then there are puns galore throughout the Bible text. Not what we would call thigh-slappers, but puns none the less.

Sometimes the humour is lost on modern readers. For instance, after the Exodus, the Israelites complain to Moses about the harsh conditions in the desert, and their complaint is: “Were there no graves in Egypt, that you had to bring us into the desert to die?” The joke is, of course, that Egypt was a necropolis – there were tombs all over the place. So “Were there no graves in Egypt” is not without intentional humour.

Yeah, you’re right, guys----I was being flippiant and I was out of line. (It was a nice day, and I finally got the kitchen ceiling painted, and I was feeling pretty good, so I got a bit puckish. Which is no excuse.) So I fully apologize to our LDS and RLDS friends, and will say that I meant no harm. I complain about my religion being picked on, then I turn around and do the same thing. “My name is Pickman’s Model, and I am a hypocrite. I fully and freely admit that.”

However, maybe somebody can enlighten me on this. I did read somewhere, once upon a time, a speculative article that what Joseph Smith really published was an unpublished novel, or a padded outline for a novel, that he’d gotten hold of somewhere—the author being deceased, or some such. (Again, I mean no offense to LDS out there.) Anybody ever hear of anything similar, and can you fill me in on what you heard?

CDHexDawn: Thanks for the information that there are examples of humor in the Bible. And here I had thought it was a humorless collection of normative controls, when it turns out to be only a mostly-humorless collection of normative controls with a few jokes thrown in, like flowers in a morgue.

It’s still the case that the bible has very little humor (your examples are the exceptions that prove the rule, I think). Why is this?

There’s also the one where J.C. says, “Thou are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church”. (Get it? Peter, petra: Gk for rock? Like, Peter’s name in Greek is “Rocky,” so in Greek Jesus…Oh nevermind…)

I’m a Peter also (stop…) so I knew about it meaning “rock”, although I’d always assumed that it meant “rock” because of Jesus’ comment, not the other way round. Hmmm, ya learn something new every day, I guess. Thanks.