Bremer's 97 Theses, or, The Madness of King George, Vol. 2

[elucidator]

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A8665-2004Jun26.html?referrer=email

Can’t hardly believe no one has pitted this yet.

…" U.S. administrator L. Paul Bremer has issued a raft of edicts revising Iraq’s legal code…Some of the orders signed by Bremer, which will remain in effect unless overturned by Iraq’s interim government, restrict the power of the interim government and impose U.S.-crafted rules for the country’s democratic transition. Among the most controversial orders is the enactment of an elections law that gives a seven-member commission the power to disqualify political parties and any of the candidates they support…"

Well, that certainly sounds promising, nascent democracy a-borning! Pick the pre-approved candidate of your choice! But it gets better, oh, yes, indeedy…

“…Bremer has ordered that the national security adviser and the national intelligence chief chosen by the interim prime minister he selected, Ayad Allawi, be given five-year terms, imposing Allawi’s choices on the elected government that is to take over next year…”

Whaddaya wanna bet that “national intelligence chief” has some police powers. Might even need some special emergency powers, to help weather the current crisis. Terrorists, terrorist sympathisizers, terrorist front organizations, terrorist dupes… Gotta collect 'em all! But we’re just getting warmed up…

“…He named a public-integrity commissioner who will have the power to refer corrupt government officials for prosecution…”

Lets just suppose that you’re a power-hungry, unscrupulous lowlife, say, make up a name at random, say,…Ahmed Chalibbubby, something like that…which job would you most like to have?

“…Some Iraqi officials condemn Bremer’s edicts and appointments as an effort to exert U.S. control over the country after the transfer of political authority…”

Gee, no shit? You think maybe?

“…As of June 14, Bremer had issued 97 legal orders, which are defined by the U.S. occupation authority as “binding instructions or directives to the Iraqi people” that will remain in force even after the transfer of political authority…”

(Emphasis added in horror and dismay)

So these legal orders are binding upon a government that does not even exist! Who was that, some guy on TV, saying something like “Full soveriegnty means just that, full soveriegnty!” (Did he say “read my lips, full sovereignty!” Or maybe I’m just imaginating…)

"…Many of them reflect an idealistic but perhaps futile attempt to impose Western legal, economic and social concepts on a tradition-bound nation that is reveling in anything-goes freedom after 35 years of dictatorial rule.

The orders include rules that cap tax rates at 15 percent, prohibit piracy of intellectual property, ban children younger than 15 from working, and a new traffic code that stipulates the use of a car horn in “emergency conditions only” and requires a driver to “hold the steering wheel with both hands.” …"

OK, now I catch on! Its a shuck, isn’t it? July Fool’s day is coming up, and the Washington Post is making up this silly story, because…I mean, c’mon…who’s gonna believe anything so stupid.

“…Iraq has long been a place where few people pay taxes, where most movies and music are counterfeit, where children often hold down jobs and where traffic laws are rarely obeyed, Iraqis note…”

How do you say “Good luck, fucknut!” in Arabic?

“…He has also enacted a 76-page law regulating private corporations and amended an industrial-design law to protect microchip designs…”

I’m not making this up, I swear! Click the link, you think I’m shitting you!

“…while the Commission on Public Integrity has been given the power to reward whistleblowers with 25 percent of the funds recovered by the government from corrupt practices they have identified…”

Which job did you say you wanted? Want to change your mind?

Can’t wait for that first e-mail! “Dir Illustrious Sir! I am greeting you! Rachmid Bagel Al-Shmiri I am, and I want to contacting you about big opportunity here in Baghdad…”

Ready yet? Good, 'cause here comes a beauty!

“…On June 19, in an effort to keep unemployed Iraqi weapons scientists from working for other nations, Bremer established the Iraqi Non-Proliferation Programs Foundation, a semi-governmental organization set up to provide grants and contracts to people who worked on Saddam Hussein’s chemical, biological and nuclear arms programs. An initial grant of $37.5 million was set aside by Bremer to pay the scientists’ expenses to attend international conferences so they can be retrained for non-weapons employment…”

[Emphasis added while shaking head, wondering if anybody is really this retarded)

You remember those programs, right? The ones that, so far as we know, didn’t exist? OK, well, we’re gonna spend 37.5 million bucks to retrain people who didn’t work on the weapons programs that didn’t exist! Invisible Pink Unicorn herding, typewriter/accordion repair, God alone only knows.

“…is also supposed to establish a venture capital fund to promote the commercial development of products and technologies by former employees of Iraqi weapons programs, according to the order setting up the foundation…”

Nope. I shit you not, if I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’. That’s what is says. Ronco’s Poqueil Pocket Mobile Bio-Chemical Weapons Lab of Doom. OK, that part I made up, but still…

“…It also requires the electoral commission to draft a code of conduct barring campaigners from using “hate speech, intimidation, and support for, the practice of and the use of terrorism.”…”

Splendid. Good we’ve got that settled. Now, who shall make those determinations. Volunteers? Nominations? Yes, Mr. Chalabi, I see you have a list of candidates! Jolly good, given this some thought, have you?

“…I foresee real political conflict about these rules,” said Amy Hawthorne, an Arab specialist at the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace who studies elections…"

So, not everybody is barking mad. That’s a big relief.

“…Financing elections, difficult in the United States, could be an even greater problem in Iraq where not only the wealthy but also foreign countries such as Iran, Saudi Arabia and even the United States are openly putting money into political parties and politicians. The Bremer law calls on parties to “strive to the extent possible to achieve full transparency in all financial dealings” and calls on the electoral commission to consider issuing regulations…”

Which political parties is the United States backing? Myself, I’d rather be national spokesman for the Man-Boy Love Association than the US candidate for office in Iraq. And the electoral commission should consider issuing regulations? When? Like, maybe, soon? Good plan, keep total chaos from descending into anarchy.

Jeebus fuck a shit souffle! What are these people smoking? Never let a Republican near a hookah full of hash, 'cause things can go to Hell in a hurry!

If he had nailed these 97 feces to the Mosque of Ali door, or maybe some mullahs forehead, that would be worse. Short of that…

[World_Eater]

Un-fucking-believable.

[GKW]

I haven’t read the article but it seems to me that the CPA was much more interested in ideological reconstruction (setting up a democracy) rather than restoring basic services (clean water, electricity), which may have fostered goodwill among the people of Iraq. How much of the $18.6 billion has been spent on creating jobs for Iraqis vs. paying American and other foreign contractors to work in a war zone? I don’t think the Americans in charge of reconstruction had a clue or cared to learn about Iraqi culture. It is definitely a limited sovereignty.

[Nametag]

In an interview a couple of weeks ago, Bremer said that among his biggest accomplishments were the lowering of Iraq’s tax rate, the liberalization of foreign-investment laws, and the reduction of import duties.

Geez, maybe he thinks he’s on the Chamber of Commerce?

[Liberal]

Can you spell out what would have pleased you?

[elucidator]

Sanity. S-A-N-I-T-Y, sanity. Do I get a cookie?

[Liberal]

No, I don’t think so. It’s easy to whisper advice while cowering behind a wall of ignorance and pretense. Why don’t you give us your formula for stabalizing Iraq?

[elucidator]

@Liberal

…It’s easy to whisper advice while cowering behind a wall of ignorance and pretense…

It is? Well, I suppose if anybody would know…

[Liberal]

So, in other words, you have no idea what might be better than what you’re condemning.

[World_Eater]

@Liberal

No, I don’t think so. It’s easy to whisper advice while cowering behind a wall of ignorance and pretense. Why don’t you give us your formula for stabalizing Iraq?

Pull troops out, let civil war ensue.

It’s going to happen anyway, might as well save ourselves years and umpteen billions, and just let it happen now.

[Liberal]

Now, that’s a plan I could endorse!

[dantheman]

@Liberal

So, in other words, you have no idea what might be better than what you’re condemning.

You’re confused. Since when do people have to present an alternate plan to what they’re ranting against?

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

@elucidator

Myself, I’d rather be national spokesman for the Man-Boy Love Association

John Kerry: supported by pedophiles.

Daniel
applying for an internship at the RNC

[matt_mcl]

@Liberal

So, in other words, you have no idea what might be better than what you’re condemning.

As a wise man once said: “I reject the premise that because I assail the stupidity of an action, I am necessarily bound to improve upon it. If you plan to un-pin a hand grenade and stuff it down your pants, I will scream ‘STOP!’, rather than take the time to write up a position paper.”

[Left_Hand_of_Dorkness]

Liberal, what’s YOUR plan for stabilizing Iraq? Are you saying you support World Eater’s plan? If so, then what problem do you have with Elucidator’s rant, beyond a general inclination to take supercilious potshots at liberals?

Here’s my idea for a plan:

1. When you say “full sovereignty,” mean, “full sovereignty.”
2. If you’re gonna lie about that, at least minimize your lies.
3. Specifically, don’t force fucking traffic regulations on the new government.
4. Don’t force Republican tax code structures on the new government.
5. Don’t force US interpretations of intellectual property rights on the new government.
6. Don’t set up “anti-corruption” measures that encourage witch hunts.
7. DO make it clear that the US’s presence will be in an assistant and advisory role, and that we’ll get the fuck out of Dodge as soon as the government tells us to, and that we won’t force our views on the government.
8. DO make it clear that we’re not going to funnel money into anyone’s political campaign, and that we fully expect other countries to follow the same guideline, and that we’ll pursue this expectation through international legal channels.

That’s a start; if I were getting paid the big bucks and had a staff and were going to spend more than ten minutes on it, I could probably come up with a real live plan, with details and everything.

Daniel

[New_Iskander]

@World Eater

Pull troops out, let civil war ensue.

I’m not a swearing type, so I think I´ll just quote:

*Miserable little cunt.

you have shown yourself to be such a vile piece of crap with no human compassion that I cannot help but tell you what a fucking twat you are being.

Damn, how can you be so fucking devoid of basic human morality you miserable fucking shit.

I guess now we have found out that there are semi-human cock monkeys like yourself that think it is fine to begin with.

What kind of monster are you that you would advocate that kind of cruelty?

That makes you a hypocrite and an asshole.

you pathetic little toad.

I need to take a shower.*

[elucidator]

What a splendidly intelligent fellow! Who, pray, is this paragon of probity, that I might sit at his feet and take notes?

Of course, there are times when the best course is reflective rather than active, to take oneself to a prudent distance, and count ten. Twenty. Whatever it takes.

[elucidator]

(previous to Matt)

[Liberal]

@Daniel

Liberal, what’s YOUR plan for stabilizing Iraq? Are you saying you support World Eater’s plan? If so, then what problem do you have with Elucidator’s rant, beyond a general inclination to take supercilious potshots at liberals?

I don’t take potshots at liberals, I take potshots at idiots. As you know, I support withdrawing US forces immediately from all the nations that they occupy, which is more than a hundred of them. Let people fight out their own eternal squabbles. I oppose Bush’s Iraq plans because I believe they are tyrannical. Elucidator opposes them for no reason other than because they are Bush’s.

[World_Eater]

@New Iskander

I’m not a swearing type, so I think I´ll just quote:

*Miserable little cunt.

you have shown yourself to be such a vile piece of crap with no human compassion that I cannot help but tell you what a fucking twat you are being.

Damn, how can you be so fucking devoid of basic human morality you miserable fucking shit.

I guess now we have found out that there are semi-human cock monkeys like yourself that think it is fine to begin with.

What kind of monster are you that you would advocate that kind of cruelty?

That makes you a hypocrite and an asshole.

you pathetic little toad.

I need to take a shower.*

The funny thing is this is what someone said about you. Pretty sad that you hurl recycled insults at me.

Anyway, I stand by my comment, pull out and let the place sort itself out. It’s no secret that there will be a nasty power struggle the second our troops leave the country. I figure we can do it like yanking the band-aid off real fast, or slowly pulling it off over a decade or so. Of course I advocated never going in the first place, which would have saved us a ton of headache, but that’s water under the bridge. The best thing we can do now, is get the hell out as fast as we can, and realize that there are no easy choices, just worse, and worse then worse.