Bring Your Pet Conspiracy Theories To Work Day

I have the perfect environment at work. It is a sublime mixture of time to work and time to chat, a laid-back atmosphere where I can wear less-than-formal wear coughMadonnaconcertteeshirtandacamouflageminiskirtcough and no one bats an eye. The coffee flows plentifully, I have a cubicle all to myself, and I am very good at doing the things my company pays me to do, efficiently and in a timely fashion.

Little did I know, however, that my workplace could be so much more. Never did I dream the sterling education I would receive upon the arrival of a new addition to my department. He is tall. He is handsome and well-travelled. He is a recent convert to Islam. He knows how to dress and is always perfectly groomed. And he spews the most ignorant, hateful, stoooooopid claptrap I have ever heard. And I’ve chatted with those crazy old guys who man the Lyndon LaRouche kiosks outside the grocery store!

A few choice quotes:

[ul][li] “The government has machines that can control the weather and create natural disasters. In fact, during the Cold War the U.S. and Russia signed a treaty promising not to use them against each other to cause earthquakes and stuff.”[/li]
[li] “The 16th Amendment makes income taxes illegal.”[/li]
[li] (insert me explaining how natural selection works: genetic variation creates offspring better able to compete for resources, etc., they survive to procreate, edging out siblings…) “…That makes absolutely NO sense at all.”[/li]Me: And yet, it is good enough for high school biology students the world over. Go figure, eh?

[li] “The government took all my girlfriends’ money because of her Student Loan.”[/li]Me: They can’t do that, they have to take her to court first. Did she go to court?
Him: “No, but they don’t have to, they can do whatever they want, they’re the government, they make the laws.”
Me: They can’t just ring up the bank and say; ‘Hey, can we have so-and-so’s money?’ and have the bank say; ‘Suuuuure, go ahead!’ That’s ridiculous.
Him: “Oh, I don’t know about that.”

[li] “The Federal Reserve isn’t even a government institution, it’s a private bank run by a small group of means but does not actually say: “Jews” people who just print money, then loan it to you and charge you interest.”[/li]
[li] “ALL Monotheistic religions say that pagans are enemies of God.”[/li]Me: I figure that He can take care of His enemies on His own just fine, and I don’t need to concern myself with them most days.

[li] “The Holocaust didn’t happen the way ‘they’ say it did. (insert spurious statistics about the population of Germany in the 30’s and 40’s here)”[/li]Me: Um, actually, about half of the Jews killed were Polish.
Him: mumbling something unintelligible and probably unintelligent

[li]“I’ve seen a picture of Sammy Davis Jr. shaking hands with Anton LaVey”[/li]Me: I’ve seen a picture of Richard Nixon shaking hands with Forrest Gump.


Don’t even get me started on his rampant objectification of women, his too-frequent smoke breaks, or his constant quoting of Borat. I’ll overrun the character limit, I just know it.

I don’t care how you grade my rant; I know it’s pedestrian and mundane. I don’t even mind if this thread sinks like Madonna’s heart in an NBA locker room when she realizes she is almost out of lube. It just felt good to get it out.


Girl Friday in a camo mini

He is right about one thing, the Federal Reserve is privatized. As for the rest, I don’t know :slight_smile:

I am sure it is, but that’s not the point: he is trying to convey the lie that Jews control all the money by wrapping it in the truth of that fact. It makes me sick; it’s all so insidious.

You know who really controls all the banks… not the Jews
It’s White Men

Yeah, go prove me wrong, I dareya :smiley:

God! (pagan or otherwise) Can I send you Sam from my office? His regular speaking voice is loud enough to set off car alarms at 50 yards, and he and the broad on the other side of his cube wall bellow lumpenproletariat gossip and conspiracies half the damn day. PNAC staged the WTC attack. Prince Philip had a hit put out on Diana. Those Judean corpses James Cameron found are the bodies of Jesus H Christ and his wife Mary, DNA tests prove it! (and they compared these DNA samples to what??? ) Never mind the prattle about which actors are fucking each other.

Does Staples sell ball gags?

Y’know, in a more intelligent person, that’d make him disgustingly evil. In him, it just means he’s stupidly banal.

Keep some tin foil handy in your cubicle for the next time he comes around. If he won’t wear it, maybe you should!

Tin foil ball gags! You’re a genius!

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you all about today, when he said that he was “Happy with the world the way it is… I wouldn’t change anything. If there weren’t any bad people, it wouldn’t be so easy to be a good person.”

Ok, so let me get this straight: the world is a scary place (according to your batshit-crazy ass, anyways) full of Enemies Of Allah, whores, Satanists and conspirators. But you don’t have a responsibility to make it any better because it serves your interests as it is. There’s a word for that, isn’t there? It’s in the dictionary… near the beginning… somewhere… oh, there it is. “Coward”. That’s the one.

I am really sorry that you have to listen to crap like that all day. But, it was worth it to me for you to go through all that just to read this. Absolutely brilliant comeback. :smiley:

Actually, those pictures of Davis and LaVey aren’t fakes. LaVey was a minor celebrity in Hollywood back in the seventies and Davis was one of the entertainment figures who hung out with him.

But I am having difficulty with these two:

“The 16th Amendment makes income taxes illegal.”
“They can do whatever they want, they’re the government, they make the laws.”

Regardless of the truth or not of either of these beliefs individually, isn’t it difficult to believe them both simultaneously?


Your tax dollars at work !!

Seriously, how could anyone belive that? Criminy.

How can these people manage to live on their own? How? And why do they INSIST on driving us batshit crazy too? I had a manager who had her own pet theories, which she shared with me at every opportunity, but she wasn’t as bad as yours.

Shudder. Around here, they’re all manned by people that look just like the students at the college they’re in front of. And they get people to talk to them, because they look just like the students. Hell, they are the students. (Bush-Cheney BAD, forget that LaRouche is against gay rights and also batshit insane.)

I got nothing else, other than I’m sorry you have to work with that guy. The nice thing about working in a hospital in a fairly diverse area is that people with those attitudes get drummed out pretty quick, because you have to deal with everyone.

There was once a student phleb we had who found the front page of the city’s newspaper, which happened to have a pig on it because of the local fair. He drew a yarmulke on the pig, along with some other stuff, and drew a map of Israel next to it, just to get the point across. This was just a doodle. He was gone the next day. That and the weird note he left me when I happened to mention something related to the occult were enough for me to get him out of there. And I’m not the boss.

Oh come on. Everybody knows it’s the Illuminati.

Nuh uh! It is so the Jews!

I LOVE working with people like that. They are so much fun. Be careful not to ask him too many questions. Soon, he’s gonna think you’re one of … THEM…


“Illuminati”- the enLIGHTened ones! Humans first came from Africa. Then, a mutant race of light-skinned ones sprouted and moved north, plotting to dominate their closer-to-nature, peaceful darker-skinned elder-raced cousins.Yep!

The correct answer is: The Mormons.

It was a popular conspiracy theory for a while; one version is mentioned in this Wiki article about the HAARP Project.

Bolding mine.