Busted: My Daughter Reveals My Family's Rampant Domestic Abuse

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Yesterday was a milestone – it was the first parent-teacher conference where I wasn’t the one being discussed. The Littlest Briston is in Pre-K3, and she’s loving it. Every morning she bounces out of bed because “I get to go to school today!” The weekly disappointment in her face when I tell her it’s Saturday/Sunday straddles the line between heartbreaking and hilarious.

Now, here’s the report I expected: “You’re daughter is very bright, but she needs work on her social skills. She sometimes has trouble sharing, and she occasionally hits the other children”. I knew about this last one, because my daughter tattles on herself. When I ask her how her day went, I’ll get a report like “Good! We learned about rectangles and played Tag and then played with the trucks <sad look> but then I hit Brenna…” I explain that we don’t hit, it’s not nice, yadda yadda, but this is something that doesn’t seem to be sinking in too quickly.

So, the teacher starts out with the good news: TLB is a smart cookie. The teacher is trying to teach the kids their letters, and TLB is busy sounding out words written on the posters throughout the classroom. Ok, cool…buuut? Yeahbut – the hitting. Just about every day she gets scolded for hitting another kid. Sigh…ok, time to step up the talks and move to revocation of privileges if she doesn’t knock it off (this tactic has worked very well in other areas).

But wait – the teacher has another, related concern. You see, when she talked to TLB about it, part of her response was that “…and mommy and daddy hit each other all the time!”.

Bwuh?

Understandably, the teacher was a little concerned by this revelation. If our daughter sees us resorting to violence as a problem-solver, then it would certainly stand to reason she would act the same way. Except…what the hell is she talking about?! Yeah, I may sometimes whap my wife on the ass when she walks by, but sorry – I love that butt and refuse to be derelict in my ass-whapping duties. But to say that we hit each other…man, where would she come up with an idea like…oh crap.

She’s right. We do hit each other. All the time. Right in front of her, even. My wife and I will be driving along, TLB in her car seat, when one of us will just haul off and punch the other one.

<SMACK!> "Red punch buggy, no punch backs!"Totally. Busted. Looks like it’s game over…damn.

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:confused:

You punch each other while driving?

Have you ever considered, I don’t know…growing up and acting mature?

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Sometimes little kids can’t get the difference. When my brother’s kids were young, my brother and I split the time watching them so he could run his business. Sometimes we would slap each other upside the head like close brothers do, just to tick each other off.

When they started to get about three they started emulating this behavior and we had to knock it off.

Then there was that whole time my oldest nephew called the younger one “a queef head” but that wasn’t even my fault at all. :slight_smile:

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I don’t know, what’s in it for us?

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Holy tamale, why?

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At least you were able to trace the source of her story. Our youngest, who is now in kindergarten, will tell intricate, well researched, plausible, but completely untrue stories to her teachers on a regular basis. My favorite one was when she told her pre-K teachers last year that the family was moving to Japan in a few weeks. She had plenty of background info - I had gotten a new job “on computers” there, and my wife was going to work in a Japanese hospital. She had two adults who dealt with 3&4 year olds on a daily basis so convinced in her story that when my wife came to pick her up, they asked her if she wanted them to prepare a summary of her progress to date for the new school. We have no idea whatsoever what put that notion in her head.

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You pervs.

It’s not “Red punch buggy,” it’s “Punch buggy red!” What are you teaching this poor deluded child?

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Where’s the fun in that? I mean, acting mature appears to involve becoming frumpy and scowling a lot and generally a lot like the Pet Shop Boys song “Miserablism.”

Just for the sake of it, make sure you’re always frowning
It shows the world that you’ve got substance and depth

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who invented this “no punch backs” business.?

Back in my day,( when men were men, and VW’s were the only non-American cars on the road), there were lots of VW jokes, and yeah, you could punch your little brother on the shoulder if you saw one first.
But we never had the “no punch back” rule…That would have ruined all the fun.
No wonder kids are wimps these days…
But seriously: do you do this in front of a small child? 'Cause, ya know, kids , like monkeys, learn by imitating.

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Exactly. Splitters!

My mother has never understood why my wife and I punch each other in the car. We have started to explain, then just collapse in giggles as to how immature we are. We may be growing older, but we refuse to grow up!

eta: I should add that there are refinements to the game. Parked bugs are “pinch buggies,” and when my wife spotted one being towed, it turned into a “punch, pinch, noogie, nipple-twister.”

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I know the PC thing to do when you fart is to say “excuse me” but my son instead laughs. Probably because that’s what I do.
Does anyone see any bad future ramifications of this?

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Never did the punch buggy red – we do the slug bug when you see a VW bug.

ahh…kids. Good to know that even at 50 I am not mature!

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Kiss of death for the marriage if humor was part of falling in love. Now if they fell in love scowling at some dimly lit postmodern poetry reading then they could probably survive it, but I can’t imagine Ha’a’a’a’al attending one of those.

Oh yeah, and it’s Slug Bug. I think.

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Lilo & Stitch?

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:stuck_out_tongue:
:rolleyes:

My kids got too old for this. Wasn’t cool anymore. :frowning: (And my son got stronger - ouch!)

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Oh, god, please don’t say “excuse me”. It brings all this attention to the fact that you farted, and what are we supposed to say about it? You pretend it never happened. Alternately, you try to recreate the noise with your shoe.

If you don’t mind that they know you farted, then you laugh or perhaps give it a letter grade. But cut it out with “Excuse me!” That’s for burps!

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I blame it on the cats.

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The little Torqueling, age 2 1/2, has already learned “Slug Bug”, as we call it around here. She doesn’t slug as yet, but I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.

It probably won’t be long before she picks up on the additional game my wife and I invented, “Jeep Slap”. Slap when you see a Jeep, but only Wranglers. And not the face.

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We stopped the game when my husband added “PT Cruiser Bruisers”.

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Yes.

No. But thank you for your input.

Anyway… Huh…definite error in typing there. It is, of course, “Punch buggy red”, not “Red punch buggy”.

As an aside, we were both a little stymied when we drove by Best Buy the other day and saw a Geek Squad car there with its multiple colors – I finally settled on “Punch buggy geek, no punch backs” before slugging her.

This brings something to mind – here we are in the 21st century, with the world’s information at our fingertips. And while I can find plenty of web sites that describe themselves as the “Official” Punch Buggy site, I can’t find a good, concise set of rules. Fer’instance:

Question 1: Let’s say we’re driving along, and a neon green Beetle passes us. <Whap>, punch is delivered. We get stopped at red light, but the Beetle keeps going. We lose sight of it, but a few minutes later we see a neon green Beetle stopped at a gas station. My wife feels that since it’s the same car, no new punch can be delivered. I say that once a car leaves your sight, barring conclusive proof that it is, in fact, the same car (say, a customized license plate), you can’t really be sure. Punches should be delivered, just in case.

Question 2: We’re sitting in the living room watching TV, when someone in the show rolls up in a Beetle. Are punches legit, or does the car have to be seen in real life?

Question 3: Taking Q2 even further, can I e-mail my wife a pic of a Beetle, sneak up behind her as she’s opening the attachment, and then slug her once she sees the pic?

Ironically, we had to take this movie away from TLB because of her habit of calling people “Stupid Head” after each viewing.