I was just about to pack the family into the responsible old Yugo to flee from the menace of terrorism in my very neighborhood (Tom Ridge told me so, and a zealous, sincere representative of the government can’t be wrong), when along comes this notice that if I buy the gasoline to flee the terrorists I’m only helping the terrorists pursue me (the smug anti-government rationalizers told me so, and nobody that zealous and sincere can be wrong). So we decided to hunker down and hope for the best. But then the heating oil ran out, and I thought, damn, if I buy the oil, I’ll just be helping the terrorists. So I got out the trusty old chain saw to cut a little firewood to keep the kids warm, but the League of Tree and Mosquito Protection formed a human chain around the trees, which was just as well, since I was feeling too guilty to buy any gas for the chain saw anyway. So it was getting pretty cold, what with petroleum equalling terrorism, firewood equalling habitat destruction, coal being tantamount to rape, and nuclear powerplants equalling the end of all humanity. So I went home and told everybody they would just have to huddle together and make the best of it.
But then the kids started getting a little bit hungry, so I got out my gun and went hunting, but the League of Gun Haters immediately blinded me with a tofu barrage and the People United For Critter Protection nearly took out one of my eyes. Meat is murder, I was now convinced, and all animal products are just exploitation of the weak by the strong, but then they showed me this study saying that plants actually suffer, so, heartbroken, I realized that eating was a selfish act that destroyed my fellow travellers on this Starship Earth, so I went home and told everybody that they would just have to make due with dirt, rocks, and the occasional unfortunate insect that happened to fly into their mouths.
Then the kids, not understanding the deeper wisdom in all of this, complained that they were thirsty. But drawing water from the endangered aquifers threatens the entire planetary ecosystem, I explained, and diverting even a cupful of water from a stream can have a devastating effect on a fish spawning ground downriver – what if everyone took only a cupful, I asked? There would be none left, and the entire planet would wither and die due only to their selfish needs. So I told them they would have to make due with standing outside when it rains with their mouths open.
Then the taxman came, and I explained that we couldn’t give him any money, because we were being responsible, and so we were poor and cold and hungry and thirsty. And the kids, being kids, asked why the taxman was wearing a turban. I hushed them, of course, since questions like that reveal nothing but ignorance.
Gairloch