This happened to me on Sunday evening. I was driving back from where I work with a friend of mine. This was on a divided 2-lane highway.
I am driving approx 70MPH (65 zone) in the fast lane.
Suddenly, out of the gloom, I see in my rearview mirror Evil Soccer Mom in SUV (ESM).
ESM approaches the rear of my vehicle at a rapid rate, quickly closing the distance, and reducing the DMV-mandated following distance of 2 car lengths to about 2 feet.
In the slow lane, there is a blue pickup truck loaded down with a motorcycle in the backseat, the bed of the truck is so low you’d swear it was scraping the rear tires. This truck is travelling at about the same speed as myself. I determine that there is an insuffient distance between the relative position of my front bumper on the road and the rear bumper of this truck to justify my changing course to merge into the slow lane. In addition to which, the distance between my rear bumper and the M1 Abrams driven by the ESM is such that any attempt to slow on my part could result in an automotive collision.
Besides which, I am an asshole when driving, and I don’t like to make way for other assholes who tailgate me. I tend to be an obstructionist.
The three vehicle concerned in this story are now approaching a point where the highway becomes a 2-lane undivided road. ESM notices that she will become trapped behind me (doing a pitiful 70MPH) and takes action. She sees fit to swerve into the slow lane and attempt to pass myself and “Blue Cool Dude” (driver of pickup). Blue Cool Dude is now sufficiently ahead of me that this maneouver is theoretically possible. I, however, take this as a challenge (I told you I was an asshole) by this action, and attempt to accellerate to prevent the Evil Soccer Mom from gaining the upper hand. However, the ESM has a sufficient advantage in horsepower (V8 Ford Excursion vs. 4-banger Chevy Prizm) to neutralize my counteroffensive. However, she timed her course change poorly, for Blue Cool Dude has already reached the 1-lane portion of the westbound highway.
I now feel adrenaline (or Red Bull. One or the other) coursing through my veins. My fangs have extended and my faced has contorted, Buffy style. I tail the ESM at a distance for several more miles, my revenge already planned.
The Evil Soccer Mom is now tailgating Blue Cool Dude.
I am familiar with the stretch of road, and I am aware that the highway will soon revert to a divided, 4-lane format (2 lanes in each direction). My plan-of-attack calls for rapid acceleration on my part to pass the ESM.
I am now about 15 meters behind the armored personnel carrier driven by Cruella D’Evil. However, in what is perhaps the greatest disappointment of the day thus far, my engine once again proves insufficient to provide the necessary power to overtake her.
I say! What’s this? The ESM is now in the fast lane behind a gold sedan. Blue Cool Dude is in the slow lane, almost next-to, but slightly behind the sedan. The sedan begins to pull away from Blue Cool Dude at a significant rate, but one that is still not fast enough for the Evil Soccer Mom. She attempts to accelerate, move out from behind the gold sedan and in front of Blue Cool Dude.
I now reach the culmination of my tale, and I would like to thank my readers for bearing with me.
Blue Cool Dude, in a never-to-be-matched display of manliness, guns his engine (I can hear it from a distance that is now 30 meters.), pushing his Chevy S10 pickup for all its worth, the motorcycle in the back straining at its harness. He increases his speed enough to prevent Cruella from moving in front of him, extending his arm and middle finger out the window in the international gesture of brotherhood amongst drivers.
My friend and I begin to laugh uproariously. We follow behind the ESM at an insulting-yet-safe distance all the way into the nearest town. As Blue Cool Dude turns off toward his unknown, yet surely very manly destination, he waves to us, and we throw the thumbs up! in reply.
The three vehicles separate and go on with their lives.
The End.
