Here in Texas, one used to be able to defend a murder charge with the assertion that “He just needed killin’”, and everyone would understand. These days, though, I wouldn’t advise relying on that defense.
I think that’s why elucidator fled to Minnesota, Lynn. 
Maybe now he’ll feel safe enough to move back…once all that snow melts, that is.
Everything SA just said, with the addition of you making a record of every last ridiculously unreasonable (and IANAL but surely illegal to demand) thing he’s been demanding of you.
Eve, while my gut tells me to cheer the people telling you to play hardball, my better nature (never before seen on these boards) urges you to find a way to get on your landlord’s good side. I think the wife is the obvious route.
The thing is, if you want to live with the people you live with, you put up with their existance. He obviously resents having anyone there at all. Make him want you to stay; manipulate him.
Good luck; I’d rather find a new job than move, and I’d rather give myself an appendectomy than find a new job.
Eve, I hate moving. I loathe packinge everything I own up in boxes, and trying to get them all transferred from point A to point B with nothing breaking, going on walkabout, or otherwise falling into those little holes in reality that always seem to haunt movings. Having said that, if your landlord is freaking out about using your office after 9 PM, it’s time to go. It’s lousy. It sucks.
But staying there is going to end up costing you peace of mind. Which is quite literally priceless, I think.
(Besides, C-I-L-L ing him won’t really solve anything. His heirs might be even worse!)
If I were you I’d rent a piano and hire a ragtime musician to play through the entire Scott Joplin, James Scott, and Joseph Lamb catalogs, strictly between 9pm and 6am.
I’d be willing to come over there and play Roncalli gigues on my guitar, but I’m 3000 miles away.
Actually, the suggestions given here were not about recording phone calls, but keeping copies of answering machine messages. There’s obviously no problem there, since the person leaving the message knows in advance that it’s being recorded.
Is this the first time he has rented this space? If not, I wonder how he endured whoever were the tenants before you. You sound like the epitome of quiet, Eve, compared to your average tenant.
His name’s not Kelpfroth, is it?
It’s still better than my last apartment, with Cletus and Brandine living out back. When the new landlord told me it was “an apartment without a flaw,” I didn’t take his New Jersey accent into account.
I really don’t want to move, it’s exhausting and expensive, and “the devil you know . . .” But my lease is up in June . . . Anyone know of an affordable one-bedroom in a livable section of Hoboken or Brooklyn?
Wow. All I can say is wow. The wicked fun I’d be having between now and end of lease. You do know that it is only a matter of time before he hears you breathing and demands you stop that as well.
You already know that if you don’t cave into his ridiculous demands, there will be no renewal of the lease, so might as well have fun with it.
Indeed! Now’s the time to take up clog dancing.
If he’s not going to renew your lease no matter what you do, then you might as well document what he’s telling you. It’s not going to do any good in the long run, but at least you’ll have the records for whatever good they may do you in any future settlement.
Either that, or contract an bladder infection from not urinating and present him with a bill.
Now, where have I seen that before?
snerk First thing I thought of, too. Except I’m sure that Eve would “c-i-l-l” for a landlord like Lovey.
The next time he complains, look at him in suprise and say you have been out of town for days and not set foot in your apartment. Start dropping hints about ghosts, or better yet, make him think he’s the crazy one and it’s all in his mind. If he thinks he’s going insane maybe he’ll be too paranoid about bringing up noises again.
Yeah, Gaslight him.
Damn their oily hides!