I don’t believe in psychics. At best, they are skilled observers. More often, they seem to play the odds and talk in generalities. You could probably be a pet psychic. “I am seeing your dog… now I see a favourite bowl or toy… does this mean anything to you?”
But something fascinates me about the “California Psychics” commercial they run on comedy radio.
They play this trippy new age song that contains a lot of whistling. I wonder how that appeals to their core audience; why that particular song was thought to appeal. Do believers enjoy Dick Van Dyke and Andy Griffith or something?
They point out 99% of psychics “were not good enough” to qualify for their program. Sure, everyone gets the same few on staff. But how did they wean out the impostors? “You should have seen you were required to apply to our company…”
They guarantee life-changing readings. How would such a guarantee work in practice?
Their introductory offer is attractively priced, I guess, only $20 for 20 minutes with a psychic appropriate for you. Guaranteed. Are the regular prices and percentage of repeat business high enough for you to develop your psychic abilities?
“Madame. Did you recently lose a friend, loved one or acquaintance?”
Those same ads have been running on the over-the-air news radio station I listen to while I’m getting ready for work in the morning.
I suspect that the “99% aren’t good enough” is pure puffery. I also suspect that the “life-changing readings, guaranteed” has some other clauses in it, and/or it only applies to that first introductory 20-minute reading.
Edit: upon reading their website, and doing some digging to actually find the verbiage on the guarantee, it looks like (a) you have to call them to request a refund within 24 hours of an unsatisfactory reading, (b) you can only ask for a refund on the most recent reading you had with them, (c) it is up to California Psychics to decide if you have a “genuine issue” with the reading you had (and if they disagree, no refund), and (d) the “refund” is given as credit towards a future reading, not an actual refund of money.
Also, for what it’s worth, the whistling music in their ad reminds me of the theme music for Jack Horkheimer: Star Gazer, a five-minute show on astronomy that used to run on PBS.
For those who haven’t heard the ad, here’s a TV ad from them, which has the same voiceover guy, the same music, and pretty much the same information and guarantee.
Most likely the “psychic” is trained to speak vaguely for the first 20 minutes, with enough hints and promises to hook the mark into staying on the line longer than that and incurring much heavier charges.
As for them having the top 1% in the field, top-of-the-line garbage is still garbage. I’d sooner deal with Madame Rue* than the California Psychics.
Love Potion sounds more practical than today’s birthday horoscope from astrology dotcom. Although the first two are oddly specific, in parts, even for a holiday.
Daily Food Horoscope
Making conversation over the din of the morning breakfast table will be tough today. So you had best start rattling those pots and pans around. Silence will reign again as they’re stuffing their faces with your blueberry buttermilk pancakes and apple sausage, and you may finally be able to get a word in edgewise.
Daily Home Horoscope
Your friend doesn’t know how to react to the new couch you’ve picked out – it’s nice, but the pattern may not match your living room. Listen to their comments, because they may save you from making a purchase that isn’t quite right.
Daily Dog Horoscope
You have no trouble making your wishes known. The response is so fast you almost feel like your humans are your personal waiters. When there’s a lull in the table scraps, take the initiative and speak up.
I have a true reading from His Exalted Majesty Weird Al Yankovic for all Taurus out there (well, nearly anyone) which is at least 99% applicable and accurate:
Taurus
You will never find true happiness
What you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up
Do a bunch of stuff and then go back to sleep
Most likely