He has no idea that I’m uncomfortable and I’m positive if he did, he’d immediately change his drop-in time. I feel ridiculous bringing it up to him, though, because there really isn’t any good reason for me to feel that way and I wouldn’t want him to think it’s because I’m attracted to him or, even worse, that I think he’s attracted to me.
On the flip side, as a married guy with single female friends, I think it should work. I realize that some folks in this thread have said they’re uncomfortable with it, but that seems (to me) to reflect individual differences.
I find it a little funny, though (no offense intended to C3 and others) that married guys are apparently safe. It’s kind of like the parents who want their kids home before midnight… because of course you can’t have sex before then. Married men may as a group be somewhat less likely to proposition married women, but frankly, if someone’s willing to cross the “married people shouldn’t mess around” line once, then crossing it twice in one relationship doesn’t seem like much more of a stretch to me.
In re: the OP, I think the problem wasn’t that your married friend can’t be pals with a single guy, but that she’s not happy in her marriage. You being single and therefore available was a temptation, and that was bad for her. Were she happy in her marriage, she could probably have you as a friend.
Well, I’m single, so my opinion may need to be taken with a grain of salt. However, I
guess this goes back to the age old “When Harry Met Sally” debate of whether two people of the opposite sex can be genuinely platonic friends.
Some people think there must be some sexual tension in all male-female friendships.
Obviously for those people, the idea of keeping a friend of the opposite sex after marriage seems dangerous.
However, there are those of us who believe that male-female friendships can indeed be totally platonic.
I definitely think that cheating is a reflection of how devoted the partners are and how healthy the marriage is, not about whether an easy opportunity for extramarital sex presented itself…especially in the case of women cheaters (I’ve read female cheaters are more inclined to cheat because they’re lacking an emotional connection, whereas men tend to cheat more to get plain ole sexual release…not something that most of us would be surprised by, I’m guessing).
I figure those who are in troubled relationships and are inclined to cheat will find someone to cheat with one way or another even if they don’t have any friends of the opposite sex to serve as handy sex toys, so it does come down to trust.
I tend to feel more comfortable with men than I do with other women, and tend to find the things men like to talk about more interesting than girly stuff, which has resulted in all of my close friends being men. I certainly hope that whoever I end up married to can accept my guy buddies. Those guys are truly like brothers to me, so I know that in my case they don’t pose any threat at all.
Of course, I would definitely try to reassure my husband by letting him meet the guys, hang out with us, read our emails to each other, and such. If you have nothing to hide, then of course you would want the friendship to be open to the spouse’s scrutiny.
However, I would never cut off a friendship just because my spouse didn’t like the friendship. I believe in loyalty in ALL relationships - whether friendly or romantic - and I would consider it a betrayal to just unceremoniously dump a friend unless they were intentionally trying to undermine my marriage or showing disrespect to my husband. So, needless to say, I would try to avoid marrying the sort of person who would demand for me to ditch my guy pals in the first place!
With that being said, though, I definitely think that the woman in the OP was right to cut off the friendship before things got out of hand. It definitely sounds like the woman started off looking for an excuse to cheat or leave her marriage by rekindling her “friendship” with you. I agree that her admission there was tension in the marriage was probably an invitation for some kind of hanky panky. It is a huge red flag when the married person is sharing things with their “buddy” that they wouldn’t share with their spouse. I have a hunch that she had a crush on you back in the high school days and was wondering if there was still any potential there.
Perhaps she had an attack of guilt or got scared at the idea of losing her hubby…but in any case, it’s probably for the best that the friendship was stopped before the attachment grew stronger. I know it’s very sad for you (I hate losing friends for any reason), but it would have led to much more heartbreak for all the parties if she had ended up crossing the line and cheating with you.
Based on my experiences, I definitely think it is possible to have a male-female friendship with no trace of sexual tension (some guys have told me that ALL guys secretly want to screw their female pals, but since my best friend is a gay man I feel very secure that in his case at least, it really is platonic for both of us ). However, it’s obvious that in some cases the sexual tension IS a threat. In those cases, yes, you do need to nip it in the bud. However, I would have missed out on a lot if I had restricted myself to just female friends. Sometimes talking to the opposite sex in a friendly way can give you insight into how they think that might end up making the friendship better.
Oops. I sent that last reply too fast. The last should have said, “might end up making the MARRIAGE better”. I think my experiences talking to men as friends have helped me develop a little more insight into how men think and express their emotions that will help me when I end up settling down. Hopefully whoever I marry will appreciate that my guy buddies helped make me who I am today.
Living this right thisvery instant, I’d say the OP’s stance is a rather clinical one and it doesn’t include the complications that make life life.
Four years ago, could my married wife be friends with a single guy? Sure. I was a pretty understanding and confident guy.
Then the last four years happened. The end result is: my brain chemistry is seriously F*ked up. I’m getting it dealt with, and we’re trying to cope with extreme loss and depression on both our parts. She has made new friends that aren’t in our common group. If any of those people seemed slightly like her type, I’d be a blubbering idiot.
But relationships go through ups and downs and it’s stupid to think
It’s something we’re both committed on working out, but added stress isn’t helpful. Ask me again in a couple of years.
lavenderviolet thanks for the reply. I think you have a good understanding of what was happening between me and my friend. However, I believe it was her husband telling her that she could not be friends with me, I’m fairly certain it was not her choice.
Unintentionally Blank you are right my stance is kind of clinical, I’m lousy at relationships, so I try to analyze things logically, and I suppose that sometimes logic does not apply to emotional situations. That’s why I posted this, I was hoping for additional viewpoints from people who have experience with this type of thing. I try to make my view as black/white as I can. BUT, so far the answer seems to be “It depends.”
In my situation though, the answer is it was the right thing for her/her husband to do. The reasoning being that she had admitted to having a crush on me way back when (she never showed it because she thought I didn’t like her – which was wrong). When she told me I explained that I would never do anything to interfere with a marriage and nothing would come of it now, and we continued to be friends so I didn’t think anything else about it.
Thanks everybody. I’m still bummed about it.
Thanks for letting the secret out Yeeter. The only reason I go to the trouble of maintaining the guise of a successful remodeling business is because of the booty.
Two men are in a barbershop getting a shave. Barber finishes with his customer and asks, “Would you like some lilac water?”
“Naw,” the man replies. “My wife says it makes me smell like I’ve been to a French cathouse,” pays and leaves.
Second barber finishes with his customer and asks about the lilac water.
“Go right ahead. My wife has never been in a French cathouse.”
Obviously with single beds, it was a bridge too far. Boom boom.
They absolutely can. I have several single male friends, and it has never been an issue of contention - nor should it be. By the same token, I have no problems with my husband spending time with any single women. Or married women, for that matter.
Really, I don’t get what the whole ‘single’ thing is. Do your friends think that married men are okay to be with but not single men? Does putting a ring on the finger of a guy make him automatically faithful even if he’s been a lying, cheating man-whore until then?
The bit about the plumbers (and the subsequent comment about cheesy porn plotlines) both made me laugh out loud. I think your friend’s wife has some serious issues, but they’re *funny *issues.
Basically, I reckon that if you don’t feel you can trust your partner alone with someone else - of whatever gender - then you probably shouldn’t go a-marrying them. It’s kind of a **big **red flag, don’tcha think? :dubious:
I see now that **lavenderviolet **said it all much better than me - and earlier too - but I was too busy skipping to the end to put my 2c worth in to recognise it.
There’s probably a personal lesson in there somewhere, but I never was much good at lessons.
I neither have, nor want, female friends (that aren’t first and foremost friends of my wife).
My wife’s only single male friend (and it’s a stretch to call him a freind, really) is gay.
I wouldn’t really be comfortable with her having a single male friend. . .as in a guy she talked to on the phone, or met with for lunch. It’s disrespectful – and that’s not a man-in-charge thing. I feel the same way if it was flip-flopped.
It’s sending the signal to the spouse, “you’re not providing something I need”.
A lot depends on your ability to set limits. I have been friends with a single man for the last ten years, and I KNOW he has a crush on me. I have never been anything but clear on the exact geography of our friendship. I don’t ever invite him over without my husband being home.
My husband works in health care, and there are a lot of single women in that field. He is a good listener, but easily manipulated by needy women. ( This does not seem to apply to patients, just in social situations). We have had words over occasions when a female co-worker starts showing signs of having a crush on him. It is a source of stress.
A married person must be very precise about limits in a friendship with a single person if they wish to remain married
I think perhaps some folks are being just a little flippant about the issue. Having single friends is okay but with some significant caveats. To be honest, I think a spouse would have reason to be a little miffed if a person was spending a significant amount of time with an opposite sex friend (assuming straight folks here. Reverse everything if they’re gay.)
lavenderviolet, I think we can all appreciate that you think of your guy friends as buddies, but bear this in mind; if they’re single and straight, they’ve all wanted to screw you, and some if not most of them want, to one extent or another, to screw you now. It is the height of foolishness to deny that sexual tensions exist between men and women.
That said, “Friends” can mean a lot of things. I have lots of female friends at work, but we don’t hang out outside work. I have female friends on our softball teams but that’s a softball thing and my wife plays on the team anyway. I am great friends with my wife’s best friend but she’s my wife’s best friend, and I wouldn’t start spending a lot of time with her by myself.
My wife and I are pretty good about this stuff and she’s not going to get jealous of me having female co-workers, but if I spent a bunch of my free time with a female best friend, that would strike me as being disrespectful.
And, I ONE MILLION PERCENT guarantee they’ve thought about you while beating off.
Is it even possible for one person to provide everything another person needs? If so, then what would be the point of having any friends at all, of either sex?
I can’t imagine finding any man anywhere that could be an end all/be all for me.
I’d expected that was the case.
There are some tidbits of wisdom some people share with you, and sometimes you just won’t think of those things without them being taught.
Interesting logic, isn’t it?
The biggest man-whore I ever met was A) unfaithfully married to his wife for 35 years and B) only ever cheating on her with married women (preferably with kids), because, of course, the married women are way less likely to make a scene and try to get your wife to leave you.
Want to move to Florida. My wife wants a gay friend.
No, nothing is wrong with having a friend who is married or vice versa. It definitely comes down to trust in the marriage, from both partners. My wife has male friends, and I have female friends. But we both have respect for each other and do nothing that might hurt the other person or perhaps cause jealousy.
You beat me to it, so I’ll just echo the sentiment.
Trunk, I respect your opinion, but I genuinely don’t understand the logic of that statement.