Now it came to pass in the fifth year of the founding of Can Handle’s Architectural Drafting business, that a certain man did call Can Handle on the phone, and said, “Lo, I would make additions to my house. I would add a large back porch, such that I can hold neighborhood parties withall, and my wife also desireth a pretty front porch, such as she had in the home of her childhood; also the current roof must be replaced, for it is a flat roof and doth not fit the look of the neighborhood, and also hath many leaks. Therefore we would have a new, sloped roof that shall cover the existing house and also the new front and back porches. Therefore go thou, and draw up the plans, so that they may be submitted to the City Building Department, that they may grant us a Building Permit.”
But Can Handle was loath to take on the job, because the man lived far across the bay, even an hour’s drive away did the man live. But the man did press Can Handle, and said, “Behold, hath not thy friend Mr. B.B. recommended thee? And shall not the construction be done by Mr. R.S., a great and mighty builder? And have not they said unto me that there is no other in all the land that can draw plans like unto Can Handle? And if thou wilt not do it, to whom shall I go?” Whereupon Can Handle, being the doormat that he is, did agree to draw the plans.
Then did Can Handle drive across the bay for to see the man’s house. And when he saw it, his heart sank within him, even to his boots did his heart sink. For the house was very old and did look like shit. And Can Handle foresaw all the grevious problems which would arise. And Can Handle said to the man, “Behold, it would be better to demolish the whole thing, and build a new house.” But the man said, “Nay, but it is a good house; only draw the additions I have asked of thee, and all shall be well.” And the man gave unto Can Handle a good cash deposit and said, “Commence thy work!” So Can Handle drew up the plans according to all that the homeowner had asked, and in accordance with the Sacred Building Code and all official requirements; and he took them to a Structural Engineer, who affixed to them the Sacred Seal and said “All is well.” And the homeowner looked at the plans, and saw that they were very good. And he said, “I will send thee a check in the mail.”
Now it came to pass, after many months, that no check did arrive in the mail. Whereupon Can Handle did call the homeowner on the phone, and said, “How is it with thee? Is all well?” And the man did answer, “Lo, I am broke; for the Building Inspector (cursed be he!) did require us to examine the concrete block walls of the house, to see if there was proper steel reinforcement (for our city is plagued every year by grevious hurricanes); and when we chipped holes in the walls, behold, we found no reinforcement, not even one bar in the whole house did we find. So the Building Inspector said, ‘Thou shalt put #5 bars from the slab to the tie beam, even in a 3000-psi grouted cell shalt thou put them, in every corner of the house, and at every 6 feet, and on each side of every window and door.’ And thus all the money that I have saved up to pay thee, hath instead gone to pay for this work.” So Can Handle said, “Worry not; only save up more money, and when thou hast it, thou shalt pay me.”
And it came to pass after these things, that the man did call Can Handle on the phone, and said, “I have the money to pay thee what I owe; however, I need revisions made to the plans, for I decided to make a Family Room instead of a Back Porch, and the Building Inspector saw it, and said, ‘Lo, the plans show a Back Porch, but thou hast builded a Family Room instead; therefore thou shalt stop all work until thou submit revised plans.’ So now, Can Handle, come thou over to the house and see the Family Room which I have built, and draw up revised plans to match what I have built.” So Can Handle went to see the house, and the homeowner did pay Can Handle the rest of the money that he owed him, and Can Handle did make measurements of the Family Room, for to draw up new plans accordingly. And the homeowner said, "I would also rearrange my kitchen, and replace the interior partitions, for lo, the walls are eaten by termites (cursed be they!) and crumble to dust when thou touchest them. So Can Handle drew up new plans, and brought them to the man, and he looked at them and saw that they were very good. And he said, “I will send thee a check in the mail.”
Now it came to pass after many months, that no check did arrive in the mail. Whereupon Can Handle did call the homeowner on the phone, and said, “How is it with thee? Is all well?” And the man did answer, “Lo, I am broke; for the Building Inspector (cursed be he!) did require us to test the existing plumbing, saying, ‘Lo, thou shalt pressurize the pipes to such-and-such a psi, and examine whether there be leaks, or not.’ And when we did so, behold, many grevious leaks did we find; so we tore up the floor slab (for it was a slab-on-grade) and replaced all the plumbing, and re-poured the concrete floor. And thus all the money that I have saved up to pay thee, hath instead gone to pay for this work.” So Can Handle said, “Worry not; only save up more money, and when thou hast it, thou shalt pay me.”
Now it came to pass after many months, that no check did arrive in the mail. Whereupon Can Handle did call the homeowner on the phone, and said, “How is it with thee? Is all well?” And the man did answer, “Oh shit, I am so sorry, thy check is sitting on top of my dresser, and I have forgotten to mail it lo these many months; I will put it in the mail forthwith!”
And it came to pass, after three weeks, that no check did arrive in the mail…