In this thread, Olentzero told me that he holds a grudge against me IRL because we have intense political arguments in this forum. I had no idea because were friendly the last time we shared fondue at a restaurant in Arlington. I’ve always been of the opinion that the Pit should not carry over into everyday interactions, but this is far from the first instance when I’ve been mistaken about people.
Can one remain friendly with someone else IRL after sniping at one another in the Pit? Is it hypocrisy or being adult to not carry over board disagreements into everyday interactions?
I can see why some would choose to call this behavior “hypocrisy” after the notorious incident in which two posters who had been friendly to a third person at a Dopefest revealed their vile internal thoughts during that IRL encounter to that poster in the Pit. Their conduct was reprehensible by every possible standard of civilized behavior.
But is it the same degree of loathsome double dealing if one actually likes a person despite arguing vociferously here? Ought open war to be declared both here and in the meat world over a difference in politics or religion or sports affiliation?
I can see it happening both ways: agree to disagree and get along in real life, or transfer that animosity to real life. I’m the camp of the former, but I realize that many people camp-out in the latter. At home I’ve made a comment or two to auntie em along the lines of “That poster was certainly an ass today!” (or replace “today” with “as usual” depending on the poster), but I wouldn’t let that thought override my opinion of him/her should we meet in real life.
As stated before by other posters, my feeling is that some people just come across badly when writing; it’s too easy for message board arguments to blow up, and so I think it’s important to take that into consideration when meeting face-to-face.
I’d like for those who dislike me on-line to be able to give me a chance in real life, but I wouldn’t be either surprised or hurt should they choose not to do so. For me, there’s much more to people than just the religious/political/favorite color views they hold and express on message boards; so it’s worth it to look beyond that and be friendly for different reasons.
I personally would not hold anything over into RL unless maybe the poster personally attacked me in some horrible way. Disagreeing or arguing about something like politics or religion would not affect my RL relationship, but I usually separate those things from casual friendships anyway.
I kind of see it like a co-worker who maybe gets on my nerves at work, or who has a whole different work ethic than I do, but outside of work in a social context I am able to get along with them.
I can see how some people might carry stuff over though. I know sometimes people have a hard time getting past one aspect of a person in order to be able to get along with them on a different level. For me that would have to be something worse than a disagreement over politics, though.
it would depend on variety of factors - if, in my opinion, the poster in question is polite, there’s no carry over for me. I count as pals any number of folks w/whom I’ve disagreed here. OTOH, there’s any number of other folks (even some who essentially hold the same viewpoint) that I’d probably rather not be around.
of course, in a group format, things are a bit different - I’ve been to a couple of IRL encounters w/in a group format and had no problem w/any of the people there, even a few who I considered to be rude on line.
There’s a real short list of folks that I’d avoid meeting IRL, and it has more to do w/online assholeness (again my perception) than political preference.
So, yea, I’d still have that beer w/you gobear (I know that’s what you were really interested in).
I don’t know any other dopers IRL so it’s hard for me to say but I do separate events while playing hockey all the time. There is your on ice personality on and off ice. While your on the ice you can want to beat the shit out of a guy and then go have a beer after with no hard feelings. No apologies are necessary. You just leave it on the ice.
The pit is a little different because it is generally a discussion about beliefs of some sort and definitly more personal but I think the same rules should apply. The things discussed in the pit would likely never come up IRL in the name of civility. I can see where someone could be offended and hold a grudge but since the topic you were discussing is unlikely to come up there is no reason you can’t just agree to disagree and get along.
To me, one probably should separate the two lives (if you will), but often one is unable to do so, for whatever reason (although that reason is almost always a character flaw of some sort).
For me personally, there are a few people I’d rather avoid seeing IRL because of comments I or they have made here. It’s a stupid reason, but there you go.
I personally wouldn’t let something boil over into meatspace. I’ve had some serious disagreements with posters, but I feel the common bond we share as Dopers is bigger then any other difference we might have.
It depends on what the subject is, for me. And I can dislike someone intensely, but wouldn’t go off on them in real life the way I’ve been known to do in the pit. Regarding those two evil posters who insulted and hurt the other poster, I wouldn’t give them the time of day, but I wouldn’t try to rub 'em out, either. If they made the comments they made in real life, there might be some words exchanged, but I’d more than likely remove myself from the situation.
As far as general politics goes, I have lots of friends and acquaintances whose political views are polar opposites of mine. That’s life. I get much more worked up over crimes and insults against humanity.
In general, I feel the pit has a few purposes: 1) a place to express intense emotion, without the fear of hauling off and knocking someone into next week
2) A place to sort out thoughts and feelings on intense subjects; and 3) a place to not-so-gently bitch out people that you generally care about.
It’s a bit difficult. There’s one poster (name not that important) who on the face of it would be a good friend; his age, occupation, and interests are all very similar to mine. But he was sufficiently a dick to me in one interaction that I harbor a grudge a year later, * even though I can’t even remember what the insult was *. All I have is a distinct impression of Poster X ==> Jerk. So if I met that poster in real life, I’d have a hard time making nice.
Well, you tell me. As often as you’ve ambushed and lambasted me in the Pit (for what reasons I still cannot fathom), do you think you could get together with me to have a drink, play chess, and discuss philosophy?
I think I’m capable of separating message board arguing from real life, but it might occasionally depend on the topic and how the debating was carried out. If I heard a lot of things that would come across to me as unshamedly sexist/racist/gay-bashing/whatever, I would probably not want to associate with that person. But if it was just political debate done with at least some degree of politeness, I’d go with “agree to disagree” and have no problem with it.
This reminds me of two online friends of mine. One I basically share political views with, but his debating style online can be dramatic at times, even rather harsh. He views message boards as being just places to discuss, doesn’t take stuff there seriously, and expects that others feel the same way. So if someone’s being, in his view, impervious to logical arguments, he’ll tell them that they’re being an idiot, or something more harsh. The other, I share very few political views with. We can argue something in E-mail yet not have any hard feelings about it, and get along very well.
Try this: What if you met someone IRL, became fast friends and then found out over a beer that he was a Doper who was constantly at your throat in the Pit?
It all depends. I try not to talk politics (and by politics I mean religion as well) with people with whom I want to stay friends because I simply can’t be friends with someone who thinks that (to use an extreme example) women who get abortions should be executed.
But when it’s just a minor disagreement, it’s rarely a problem for me. It’s more often other people who really despise my positions.
I think a majority of people have trouble separating real life interactions from internet interactions with the same group of people. Especially in a place like the SDMB and even more specifically the Pit.
I’ve had a great many arguments with you, Gobear. We both seem to insult each other quite a bit. That having been said, if we were local to each other, attending a Dope-gig and you happened to be there, I’m pretty sure I could be a big enough person to let it slide.
Some people, cannot. There’s a lot of anger there, and for some people it’s an overriding theme in their life.
Beear and chess, absolutely. I’d have to pass on philosophy, though–no offense to you, just that I’d rather talk about horror movies or the virtues of free markets.
Heck, we’d probably have beers, get to talking, and discover that we really quite liked each other. You argue well, fairly, and with passion–how could I not like you? I don’t care that you insult me because I give as good as I get, and I forget the rancor easily after the thread dies.
That’s not to say there are no posters I dislike. Leander and Jersey Diamond come to mind–I despise them not because they and I argue but because of the low, dishonest way they conduct themselves. I would employ the Cut Direct if we encountered each other, and that’s the deadliest insult in my arsenal.
You would hope that people would be intelligent and adult enough to disagree on a message board, realize, hey, it’s just a message board, and not let it carry over into their day to day lives.Alas, people aren’t always that level headed.
It doesn’t always occur that you only see a very small slice of other people’s personalities, and that written words can sometimes be a lousy medium, especially if the poster doesn’t express themselves well in writing. I cringe sometimes, looking at posts from the day before, thinking “OMG, that sounded pompous.” Not the way I meant to come off at all…still.
I generally lurk in the Pit now. Mostly for the amusement factor. Why get into a huge debate? I’ve noticed that very few debates are actually settled (no one side seems to concede the other is right, no matter how well the argument is conducted), and it generally turns into either an insult hurling contest or the thread is just walked away from.
I’m sorry your disagreement spilled over into your day to day life. Hopefully, after a few days, tempers will subside, and you’ll be able to work it out.
I’ve got this problem IRL. Airman occasionally posts things with which I disagree, yet we manage to keep the SDMB from spilling completely over into our marriage. It means a lot to both of us, it’s where we met, we have a lot of good friends we made, both individually and as a couple, but at the end of the day, it’s a message board.
For me, it would depend entirely on what we had been arguing about. lissener is a poster who I regularly want to smack in Cafe Society threads. But, at the end of the day, we’re just arguing about movies. As heated as those fights might be, I don’t think I’d carry any animosity over into real life. On the other hand, there are some attitudes and opinions that I simply cannot “agree to disagree” with, wether I hear them here on the Boards or in real life. The two “anonymous” posters gobear mentioned in his OP, for example, are people to whom I have no interest in being civil, on-line or off. However, they would tend to be the exception, rather than the rule.
(I know that’s what you were really interested in).
