It was so cold today, my starter would not start, my crankshaft would not crank, my pistons would not piss! 
Ouch.
Sounds like your ho-ho-ho is going to have to be A-A-A…
Good Luck!
How old is the battery? Might be time for a change.
Also check the battery cables to make sure they clean, tight, and not corroded.
One trick it to put a drop light with a 60-100 watt incandescent bulb near the battery. A warm battery works better. Another option is to take out the battery and store it inside. Install it just before you need to start the car. Sometimes this is much easier said than done.
I would have said, ‘My starter won’t start, my crankshaft won’t cranks and my pistons won’t… work.’
Yes, I like The Cramps.
Your carburetor don’t carb, got a hammer down miss
Your generator gens but your pistons don’t…work
My gf’s Subaru turned over fine, but sounded like it was outa gas. Turns out she had filled her tank on the way home the previous evening. One can of dry gas and it started up fine!
If you can find a 60 - 100 watt incandescent bulb.I bought two 24 packs of 100s the other day and the cashier told me they were the last ever (for that store).
We use them in the barn water compartment to delay freezing.
I had a teacher whose VW didn’t have a block heater. That afternoon, the south-facing school rooms were treated to the site of a fire engine putting out the flames caused by the light bulb he placed on the engine and plugged in.
I’ve never figured out the magic of dry gas. You have to figure that once the fuel line is frozen, there’s no way that the dry gas could reach the blockage from the tank. But every time I’ve had to use it, it somehow zeroes in on the problem and the car starts right up. Magic in a can.
Yeah, it was a joke thread, but thanks everyone for the car advice, I can still use it!
Another thing about dry gas treatments is that they are almost always alcohol based. If you are using gasohol already, that little bottle isn’t going to help as you’re gasoline is probably around 10% alcohol already.
Isn’t Heet et al. methanol/wood alcohol? Does that have more water-binding capability than ethanol?