I think whether mentioning ‘cause of death’ or omitting it, causes more harm than good, is ENTIRELY/ONLY for the family to decide.
And if you feel like you really have to know what they died of, then you ARE part of the rumour mill. Obits are NOT a service for the uninformed to learn details. They are an opportunity to inform OF of the death itself, not the how. They are for the family to present their loved one’s life as it suits THEM, no one else.
Anything not shared = not your business. If you’re not close enough to already know or to comfortably ask then, yeah, straight up—-not your business!
Two suicides that I knew: one obit had “Tragically”, and the other had “Tragically and unexpectedly”. These are terms I would also expect if the death was due to an accident.
During the peaks of Covid in 2020, many of out local obits mentioned “Covid”. or “Covid-related” as the cause of death - perhaps to emphasize how many were dying of it at the time.
I don’t know why the cause matters to anyone, other than sheer morbid curiosity.
If the person was old and died, it’s very sad but possibly not unexpected.
If the person was very young, it’s probably unexpected and tragic.
If the person was of middle years, it’s likely any combination of the above.
I think one’s perception changes depending upon how many funerals you have had to attend and why.
Here the reasons are usually coded in much the manner described above.
“In tragic circumstances” = suicide.
“Unexpectedly” or “suddenly” = accident or heat attack.
“After a short/long illness” = cancer - really depending upon diagnosis.
“Died quietly at home” is a catch all. Usually used for the aged, and may as well mean “old age”, or anything that can take you out in old age. All the others are more reserved for those that die young.
Take it from me, if you have never been to the funeral of a suicide or a teenager killed in a car crash you are well off. The heartache and grief is palpable. Nobody is in the mood to broadcast their grief for the world to see.
No, but if someone you know has died, it is a good way to get information about the funeral or memorial services without having to bother the grieving family.
Probably not. If they wanted everyone to know, they would have published it.
If you know them well enough to go to the funeral, then there is probably going to be someone there who is able to fill you in on details.
I’d say that if you don’t know them well enough to go to the funeral, then you don’t know them well enough to need to know.
I’ve been to two after suicide: one in high school and one in university.
The high school one was of a friend that I had grown apart from when we went to different high schools and I and not seen him in a couple of years. When his mother saw me, she just hugged me and went from quiet tears to sobbing. I still remember this well 35 years later.
In Ireland, they have a national database of death notices, which I have heard, from the Irish friend who told me about this site, is the most commonly visted website in the country- as the only one a lot of older people check daily: rip.ie
They’re obviously written by the families, but very brief and pretty formulaic. Some literally a few words, some run to a hundred or so, plus funeral arrangements.
This Tuesday will be the 4th anniversary of the death of my only sibling’s only child. At the time, various legal things were ongoing and we were warned not to say anything about her death. Eventually, the court found my beloved Sky was dead due to an accident that was 100% the other driver’s fault. But, for a long time all we could say was “It was a car accident.”
I stick with my prior expressed opinion; if the cause of death isn’t my business, then the death itself isn’t my business either. Don’t tell me about it at all if you’re not willing to disclose the basic facts: Who, what, where, when, why, and how.
I’ve seen it, though not (to the best of my recollection) with the word “suicide.” But I’m pretty sure I’ve seen “took her own life” or “chose to end his suffering” or “died by her own hand.”
ETA: Here’s one I found by Googling “‘chose to end his suffering’ obituary.”
The family seems to think the details of this persons life are worth sharing. A lot of it is not-so-stealth bragging. Especially when they list the “survived by 15 wonderful kids, 52 grand kids and blessed with 14 great grandkids”. Many people equate fecundity with value, so they think I care that the deceased is personally responsible for overpopulation. The think that the “private detail” that no one in the entire family believed in birth control was worth sharing.
Talk about rumor mill! It could have been a car accident, plane crash, murder, cancer, heart attack, falling down an elevator shaft, whatever. But per the attitude in this thread, that’s “nunyo business”, but you choose to believe it was drugs. How much does that help the family?
I’m not the OP, but that’s all I think anyone cares about. General categories is sufficient. “Car accident, cancer, illness, other accident, murder.” No one is asking to learn the the decedent “had xenopolycythemia and syphilis and cirrhosis of the liver but died while having sex with underage male prostitutes while high on poppers”. “After a long illness” is sufficient.
Do I need to know the deadite started several businesses and retired at 45 to open a championship horse breeding ranch (in a small town where the average income is about 40K)? Because I just read that one Thursday. The family always did think they were better than the rest of us, now I understand more why. So I guess the obit did provide some useful info after all.
I know of several people who died in the last three or four years (college roommate, another college roommate’s mother, former co-worker, etc.) without any sort of obituary or death notice. In the US, the usual site for such things is, I think, legacy.com, which aggregates the death notices from many newspapers around the country. After hearing privately of these deaths, I was checking that site for information on a funeral or whether flowers or a memorial donation was appropriate.
In a couple of these cases, there wasn’t even a public funeral as far as I know.
And the “in lieu of flowers, please make a donation to” bit isn’t always helpful; when my parents neighbor died of cancer, her surviving husband asked for donations to the local hospice where she passed.
But it is an Obit. It is not meant to be a balanced biography with all view points represented. For the same reason they don’t share “bad” reasons why the person died, they puff up what they belief are good points about the person. It’s a tribute by and to people who cared about the deceased, and how they died is not part of the tribute to that person/who they were. I’m not sure why anyone believes that the obit should contain more than that.