What the fuck dude, watch it again. “Look at all these happy trees and frolicing animals and shit. CO[sub]2[/sub] is part of the great circle of life, but these hippy motherfuckers want to call it ‘pollution’. Reducing CO[sub]2[/sub] means reducing industry, and then you won’t have all your nice neon lights and minivans full of soccer brats, and then you’ll be a poor sad bastard. Carbon dioxide. They call it ‘pollution’. We call it ‘life’, bitches.”
Awww… Come on! Carbon dioxide is good, more carbon dioxide is great! Just take a look at Venus, atmosphere 96.5% CO2 and teeming with life!
Thanks, kaylasdad99, but I’ve already sold my soul to industry. Check this out:
"Some people call it a billion cubic yards of toxic sludge. But really, it’s only that part of nature – be it animal, vegetable or mineral – that just isn’t good enough to be part of the consumer goods you enjoy every day. Like the plastic tubes in the dialysis machine keeping this sweet old lady alive. Or the components or fuel in this speedboat that would immeasurably improve your chances of getting an enthusiastic blow job from a Hooters waitress. We do the separating at our factory, leaving you with only the best, most refined products the good Earth offers. Just like your body does with the very food you eat. So what some people call sludge, we call factory poop. And as everyone knows – everyone who’s been properly toilet-trained, that is – everybody poops, and it’s perfectly natural and nothing to get upset or embarrassed about. See these puppies? You can bet they poop. And if one had a little accident on the rug, would you kill it? Would you kill Pepper with a rusty claw hammer? No. If you’re a good person, what you would do is to train Pepper to do his business outside. And that’s where our factory poops – outside. Naturally.
"So America, that’s the choice. On the one hand, blow jobs and puppies. On the other, Grandma dies. No pressure, but – can you afford to make the wrong choice?
This ad paid for by Concerned Concerns Concerned About Your Concerns.
Hello carbon monoxide
Helo sulphur dioxide
The air, the air is everywhere
We are witnessing the revenge of El Seed! :eek:
I read that link as ‘fish cam’, and was expecting…no, nevermind.
Don’t you antagonize my Ronnie, Plynck.
Intelligent plants versus the Goreans.
If L. Ron Hubbard still lived, it would be the new Scientology.
If The King of Soup ever goes to work for the tobacco industry, I just might become a smoker.
Okay. Don’t smoke – I quit a year ago and it took ten years to do it and I still feel lousy. But I can’t resist a challenge. Montana, huh? Okay, try this:
"Life.
"It comes in a dizzying variety of shapes and sizes, from Man to mouse to mitochondria. And each is an expression of God’s love, equal in dignity to every other, because, as we know, any grain of sand is no less a miracle than a galaxy filled with stars.
"Take this little fellow – we’ll call him Charlie. Charlie is an oat-cell carcinoma, and he’s a part of you – he chose your lungs as his home. As life goes, Charlie’s quite a character. He’s harder-working, continuing to divide long after most cells quit. And he’s a rugged individualist: always ready to strike out on his own, well away from the herd. Some call it metastasis: we call it courage. You might say Charlie’s the American cancer cell, honoring our traditions, upholding our values, without regard to which way the political winds blow.
"Which is why some politicians would like to see Charlie dead. By making it harder and harder for us to smoke, they hope to erase his example from our consciousness. They’d like to make your lungs the subject of their zoning laws, because, like most tyrants, they fear what they can’t control.
"We say that Americans, and their various cells, like Charlie, aren’t here to be controlled. We say that the urge to spread our wings, the spirit of conquest within our breasts, is the essence of who we are. We say that our shortness of breath is a small price for the height of our ideals, the breadth of our minds, the depth of our vision and the length of our reach.
"Perhaps the true pioneers are all dead. Maybe there are no more heroes, no one left who would give his life for another, even a kindred soul like Charlie here. Or, just maybe, there’s one true American left, maybe someone like you, who would rather cough up some tar than choke on some tyranny. If that’s true, then please let us know. Light up, wherever you are. Light one if by land, two if by sea. We’ll be watching, waiting, to glimpse that flicker of hope.
“Plus, it makes you look cool. This ad paid for by the Cancer/Shmanser – So Long as You’re Healthy! Institute.”
Kneel before Zod.
This is just marvellous. Very, very well done 
Thanks for the kind, if undeserved, words. Also thanks to Hentor for his tolerance of my being stupid all over his thread. It is truly scary, if you allow yourself even one ridiculous assertion, or one triple-twist with a half-gainer of a logical leap, or the dismissal of a single vital fact, how easy it is to tout not just a polluting industry, but pollution itself; to come up with a thesis that isn’t just pro-smoking, but pro-cancer. I’m not even all that evil, and it’s not difficult to slide into the sort of mindset in which you can think backwards from a desired conclusion and talk forwards from a fixed premise and still meet yourself in the middle, creating the illusion of a reasoned argument. My only excuse is that making it explicit spoils the illusion and makes it funny instead of persuasive. But still…
So, what are some other insupportable ills of modern life, and who’s going to take a shot at making the mob beg for more of them?
Don’t think twice about it - your contributions were outstanding! If it wasn’t clear, that’s what I meant by “Kneel before Zod.” Someone who can come up with the things you did must be all powerful!
It has been decided that the ads are irrelevant:
Dude. I really feel like getting out the video-editing softwaree with some of this copy now…
Yes! The right-thinking people need to suppress this kind of message right away!
/hijack/
Hey Wonko, I smiled broadly when I saw your username, busy reading the Trilogy in 5 Parts, finished Part 4 last night.
/end hijack/
The right-thinking people I’ve known wouldn’t hear of it – they’d insist the message be out there so it could be properly ridiculed, and the authors exposed as sources of bad information. Giving wrong-headed folk the opportunity to appeal to their unassailable freedom of speech, instead of taking that for granted and forcing them to proceed immediately to a defense of their ideas, is just bad strategy. Most people shouting indefensible tripe secretly want to be censored, so they can occupy the position of defending free speech, ground well-plowed, trodden and paved for them by liberals throughout history. They sound much better cribbing Jefferson than they do arguing their own theses.
Hentor, I appreciate your kindness. I lack subtlety – the only thing I thought I knew about Zod (saw the movie on TV, I guess, but didn’t really pay attention) is that he wasn’t particularly welcome no matter where he was. Feeling encouraged, I’m going to try to push this a little further, but I promise that if you ask me to, I’ll stop.
I’m disappointed that no one else wants to play the game of “Can You Top CEI?” The rules are simple: come up with a spot that defends a particular oft-attacked industry or group, and does it not by ignoring or contradicting or minimizing the issue raised by detractors (CO2, toxic waste, lung cancer), but by embracing and celebrating it. There should be a more-or-less plausible redefinition of terms at the heart of the spot, i.e., “They call it a stroke: we call it an asymmetrical nap.” It should be both utterly outrageous and played perfectly straight: assume you’re actually expected to come up with a pro-evil spot, whether it’s for drunk drivers or malpractice or injurious consumer goods. Best, maybe to stay away from politics since there is little common ground as to anyone’s motives in that arena.
At the risk of overstaying my welcome, I’ll try to prime the pump with an example:
"Stress. It’s a fact of life that stress can lead to an early death, increasing risk of heart disease, stroke, and even some forms of cancer. Stress also leads to high-risk behaviors at home, on the road, and, for some, in the V.I.P. room at the Gyno-Rama Breast Emporium and Gentlemen’s Lounge. One good cure for stress, many people agree, is frequent opportunities to relax, especially between stressful episodes.
"Which is why Transcendental Telecom was founded on this principle: never to give people bad news, good news, or indeed any news without first giving them an chance to take a little breather. Some so-called “consumer advocates” call it being put on hold: we call it a little ‘you’ time, on our dime.
"Our customer service network offers a buffet of relaxing opportunities, from music to soporific white noise (from “rain forest” to “surf susurration”) to books-on-tape™ and a modern selection of partially-accredited adult education classes, as well as the ever-popular Just Plain Silence. What’s more, all of these options are guaranteed not to be interrupted. So calling us will never result in anything more stressful than a much-needed and healthful nap, or perhaps finishing that USA Today crossword puzzle. That’s why our answer to customer complaints is a life-giving “Shhhhhh.” Call us even when you don’t have a complaint. We don’t mind. Hell, we’ll never even know.
"And choosing TT is patriotic. We will never outsource any part of our business to some foreign power. We will continue to not answer your calls right here at home.
“Join us today at Transcendental Telecom. It’s like signing up for a dozen or so hour-long paid vacations per week. Remember: Transcendental Telecom – putting people on hold, and keeping them there, for a long, long time.”
Well, when you put it that way, I guess there could be a connotation that I didn’t intend. Tangentially speaking, I just Googled the phrase, and found a site with Kneel before Zod T-shirts! I just might have to get one of those.
I’ll see if I can give it a try later on.